Last Post of the year

This will probably be the last post of 2011.  I wanted to do this for a year and I pretty much have accomplished that goal.  Initially, I wanted to write and write every day.  I always had a fond spot for daily cartoonists.  How did they write a serial every day?  A second goal was to prove to myself that I could write on any subject, at the drop of a hat.  After 238 articles I am out of ideas for subjects.  This last month has been very difficult to get any creativity or dedication going.  The holiday season seemed to kill all ambition.  My third goal was to clean out some of the junk in my brain.  To heal some wounds and to complete some goal.  I did heal a little bit.  I cleaned out some drudge and some sludge.  Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, it was replaced by more tripe, more dreams and more wishes. 

I was going to give it up a few times but I stuck it out as best I could and still tried to keep some small bit of quality to them.  I did not want to get personal or political.  I wanted only to attack the demons in my mind and investigate the crag holes in my brain.  I did not really give up much of my inner self, I keep it locked up pretty tight.  There were times I wanted to blog nothing but swear words at the people and institutions I hate.  Some of the my more devastating minions wanted to see the green grass of the basket.  They did not make it to the show. 

I will have to decide the direction of the Remediation Basket.  I assume I will blog less and hope the quality will improve.  I need to keep writing for peace of mind.  I laugh at them often.  I do not even know what I am writing most of the time.  It just comes out, I correct the spelling and grammar as best I can and off it goes.  I will go through them and maybe some short stories or essays will blossom.  I am open.  Some really smart angel has suggested attaching photos to some of the blogs.  I could add artwork also.  I will see and so will the followers.

My attitude

I have been called a grouch, a shit, a bore, a brat, a pain, and once, Leslie Delilah the hermaphroditic contortionist.  I remember all the grouchy old men from the neighborhood.  I was a paper delivery boy and as such I was authorized access to any yard, house or apartment of which I was owed copperage.  I visited grouches every month.  I never thought much about these mostly men who seemed irritated at the universe.  They would still pay the bill and give me a tip.  I would smile and say thank you above their mumbles. 

Today I am one of those men.  Everything orderly seems out of sorts.  There is very little testosterone running throughout my veins and arteries. So many toe nails hurt along with the crick in my neck.  The pain in my shoulder is only slightly less annoying than the pain in my ass.  I think I have good vision only to find out that catching a fly is now impossible.  I can forgo the shoulder joint pain to join in the hunt but I miss the lazy mosquito because I cannot focus accurately.  Sampson was spared the scourge of old age blindness.  In a few years he would not have even noticed the bad hair day thing except for the failing lead in his pencil.  The once smooth driveway tiles are now like rocky crags as I drag my dead left leg over.  The kitchen cabinet doors that just a few years ago were obviously supposed to be closed and were positioned much higher are now open and gouging me in my low slung cranium. 

I cannot even understand my own mumbling.  People ask me to repeat my statement because they could not hear it clearly.  I simply respond "Life is a continuum and that utterance has past, I have no earthly idea what I said, thank your for asking though.  If anyone remembers, e-mail me and I will enjoy it as much as you have seemed to."  My assistant whispers that e-mail is so twentieth century and this is NASA, "we text" now.  I mumble, "WE do not do anything except kill trees".

Since I fully understand the old grouch thing, any time I see an old person smiling I assume he is having a heart episode because it is all most over or he is on drugs.  God's grace must be sufficient because everyone over fifty years old should be a grouchy, stumbling mess.  At fifty, a man has been cheated on, lied to, stabbed in the back, had the rug pulled out from under him at least twice, had smoke blown up his tail pipe, scared limp, and probably recently had a cold steel medical device shoved up somewhere that is not supposed to have things shoved up and now we all get to watch a video to heighten the embarrassment. 

The most grouch enriching situation involves noise.  I am sure I say six or seven times a day, "What the hell is that noise?"  Not only can I not identify the vibration (all noise is vibration), I cannot understand where it is coming from or why the disturbance in force is driving a bleeding hole in my head.  Is it just a new sound or am I losing my mind.  Losing my mind is a short, slippery romp I know and soon will be welcome.  You will not have this grouchy old man whom you now laugh with to laugh at any more.  You can laugh at my gravestone that may say "Dad, I kept my mouth shut and I suffocated."

Routine of Life

“True freedom is the freedom from your own self-imposed limitations. It’s the ability to accept situations as they are, in all their abundance and all their lack…” – Lori Deschene

I am a minimalist at the very core of my existence.  I clearly remember the first time I was aware of such a choice.  I think it was so clear because it was so sparse, so minimal in color and complexity.  I saw a series of paintings featuring a church as the main focal point.  The first painting was in the expressionist bent.  Basic yet colorful with shadows ands highlights to accent all the shapes.  The last painting was of the same church, same basic angle.  It only highlighted the Cross on the wall of the church building.  The building was only pastel white with some shadows.  Throughout the progression of the five paintings (over a thirty year time frame is suppose) the essentials of the picture were the only survivors.  A shadow under the overhang of the roof, a piece of tile on the edge of the siding and the cross are all that remain against a white pallet. 

Some people would say I am just "cheap".  "That is a fine place to start", I would tell them with all the glee I could muster.  Some people call me crazy.  "So what, at least my nose holes are the same size as my pinky finger."  That gets them every time.  Philosophers say, If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?  I say, if a light is on in an empty bathroom , are you wasting money?  I say, if there is food left on your plate, are you wasting food?  If a picture can be painted with less and still show the beauty and majesty of the subject, why waste the paint?  Reader's Digest used to publish condensed versions of novels.  I am not sure that is the same idea.  There is a website that publishes short stories that are three sentences long.  It is like Haiku.  I remember there was a roller coaster ride at Wayne's World in Virginia and the slogan was "We came, we rode, we hurled".  Enough said.

My dad always told me to "keep my mouth shut" and I would be better off.  I used to think he was a minimalist but "shut up" uses fewer letters and facial muscles.   I guess he just did not want to say "shut up" all the time.  He was not of the minimum bent.  He would give me a whole bucket of nails and say, "go over them and pound all those nails in that board and leave these good boards for me".  Now, I can pound nails like a dry drunk on a jones'n fit.  That board weighed about thirty five pounds and it could no longer float.  I threw it in the canal and it sunk like the Lusitania. I figured it was a waste of nails, time and dad's patience so I went and found Bobby for some entertainment.  Now there was maximum enjoyment for minimal effort.  

I really do try to write conservatively in word and length but I digress.

If I had a hammer

This is the great old song by Pete Seeger and popularized in my time by Peter Paul and Mary.  I was thinking. What if Lewis Black backed up by Richard Lewis made a recording and video for this song.  With both dressed in black, they would look like the anti-blues brothers.

Lewis Black:  If I had a HAMMER, I would hammer in the MORNING! (shaking finger at the sky)

Richard Lewis:  OK, whatever, the morning is a bad time for me,(holding his head)

Lewis Black:  I would HAMMER in the EVENING, (spit flying everywhere)

Richard Lewis:  What, all over this land, geez, really, ok, whatever. (hanging head low)

Lewis Black:  I would hammer out JUSTICE, I would HAMMER OUT A WARNING! (take a drink of water)

Richard Lewis:  Not so loud, I just went from morning to evening in two seconds,  Just don't start singing about trees. (looking back over his shoulder for who knows what)

Lewis Black:  I would hammer out all the love BETWEEN brothers and Sisters, ALL over this FREAKIN Land. (Takes two steps forward swinging arms)

Richard Lewis:  Not all over the land again, been there already.  Hammer the brothers and the sisters.  Always with the violence.  I told you about the anger, I don't know, you are right! Whatever. (holding hand up over his head, with head hanging low)

Anyway, just a thought. You get the idea.

It is hard to go wrong with good material and yet......

frust

In my current position at work, I sort of manage, direct, advise four people in the ways of supporting science projects for space programs.  I am the expert.  I know what you are thinking, "Boy, they could not have picked a finer person".  Let me explain on one hand why you are correct and on the other hand why I am not the perfect person for such a program.  Keep tucked away in your mind that I can see out of the back of my head, talk out of both sides of my mouth and have the ability to jump to and fro through time.

For many years, I was known as the "Emperor" because of the mystical, seemingly deified methods of logistically support provided.  I was the "King" for a few years prior until I was given emperor status for clairvoyantly (even though I had to look up how to spell clairvoyant) moving six tons of hardware across 13 states, using untold dollars and  through two countries in 4 days.  Kings and kingdoms are butt-trouncingly cool but Emperors have a relationship with God himself.  Currently, and  accurately I am known as the Idiot Savant.

The support personnel I manage will be in their cubes doing whatever they do and I perceive a question coming up.  Before they even finish talking I say "no, I would not do that". 

Minion:  I did not even finish the question and I was not talking to you!
Me:  Fine, whatever but I would not do that!
Minion:  Do you want to hear the question?
Me:  Only if I do not have to answer any more questions!
Minion:  I was asking everyone if they wanted to go to Taco Tuesday for lunch.
Me:  There is free cookies in the lobby by that time, The Sam's Club guy is going to be here today.
Minions:  He was just here two days ago!
Me:  (no response but with hands in the air knowing the "Children" as I call them will be stumbling in my doorway to see how I know about the cookie guy)

I bought The Children breakfast today.  They have been working on a project for a few weeks; it is finished and they did a really great job and it is Christmas soon.  While they ate, they asked me questions about life and living, children and parenting.  I sat quietly and finally said, "That was the best twelve dollars I ever spent.  You guys should  be proud of yourself.   I never did answer the questions.  They probably think I did or maybe I did.  I will have to look back in time and check since I did not take notes.

I may not be the best person for the job because I just do not care about the big picture.  The big picture, the grand scheme, the whole enchilada is all dorked up and much bigger dorks than me are trying to fix it.   I work for a smaller prize, a more tangible reward.  You guessed it "Food".  Pavlov is my hero and the main reason I was so interested in science. Well, that and the glassware.  Pavlov's dog received food, I love food.  I have never slept with food and I do not want to marry any.  There was that creature in Shawnee Mission, Kansas.  Like Bill says, "I'd like to sop that up with a biscuit".  There is of course a wrong way, a correct way and a company way.  The wrong way is of course wrong, the correct way is most likely not the company way and therefore "wrong". The company way is also wrong but not anyone will know until it passes through about eight months of supply chain wisdom and travels across the country.  The only feedback from Corporate I will ever receive is, "Why did we do that in the first place?"  I will just hold my hand up and wait for the praise. 

If you want to be frustrated, try this

I strongly believe in ten years most computers, phones, whatevers will be controlled by voice activation.  Keyboards are going away.  Spelling is going away.  Simple voice commands and even more complex programs will run the truly smart products.  Refrigerators and cars currently have the technology.  If you have not been really frustrated lately, find the program on your computer or phone that deals with voice activated commands. How can I phrase this knowing that young eyes are about.  "Un-holy freakin Satan's lipgloss" what a screwed up mess.

The tutorial pictures a fine looking young lady all postured correctly and with nothing less than perfect lips and hair.  This aberrant wench is going to glide me through the process of setting up my computer to respond to "voice commands".  I do not even listen to myself when I talk so I am hopeful the computer will pick up the slack.  The smarmy tutorial lady says " When you have read this page, say "next"". 
I dutifully say "next".  Nothing happens so I say "NEXT".  The text box says "what did you say?" 
"I said NEXT you &*%^^& a-hole, NEXT!"  It moves to the next screen.  I am not sure if it was because I said "next" properly because I said it two different ways.  So I said "next" again and the tutorial skipped a page.  I thought shit and I said "Shit, Back"  and it went back to the page I skipped.  I said "shit Next" and the page advanced.  Now the computer knows three words, next, shit and back.  Twenty-first century here I come. 

The tutorial told me how to open files and close files, scroll pages and edit text.  I am now talking like a like Peewee Herman on Meth.  All of a sudden, the text writer started typing random news updates from the Disney News Network.  My damn computer has gained consciousness and it wants to go to Disneyland.  Then, I shit you not in the least, the voice recognition became voice activated.  The Devil himself said, "Disney stock closed dowwwwwn on the news of the weeeeak response in Greece".  Beelzebub has a speech impediment and he is talking at me.

I pushed away from the desk with all the vigor I could muster thirty eight minutes before lunch.  The last word I heard was "Reuters" and I yelled, "Shit Back, NEXT, stop, shit" and I hit the power button.  The guy in the next cube asked me if I was OK and that I seemed a little tense.  I asked Joe to check me out for the mark of the Beast.  He knows me well so he did not ask any questions.  He did find a mole that seemed to look like mouse but no "6's".  I have not turned on that computer since the battle with the underworld.  I use the backup desktop with a wireless keyboard and mouse.  Not even Satan can figure out Bluetooth. 

I can now control my computer with voice commands but I am afraid to plug the damn thing in so it was a typical day on the government payroll.

A Song

It will soon be apparent that I have zero musical abilities.  I cannot hear well.  I have an inability keep rhythm with all but the most rudimentary thuds and for only a fraction of the time required to understand music.

    The song starts with bells ringing in the background because all good songs start with bells ringing.  There is Mississippi Queen, Love Rain on Me, you get the picture or not.

Mostly drum stuff from here.

a steady 2-4 beat whatever that is
I woke up,(six beats)I can't believe she is gone.
Around the house, (four beats) I wander ever longer.
I check the mail, no message for me,
I spin a round and fall, I am not stroooooongerrr.

guitar strumming before choruses

I can not,(four beats)believe she left me,
I was most com(two beats) mitted to her ass,
I came home often,(two beats) fairly often,
To find her sleeping with a laaaaass.

                
Make my way down the(four beats)path to the jiffy
Only to see my car (two beats)is on fire,
I can smell her scent (four beats)even here in the street,
She told me I was a liiiiiiarrrrrr.

Now I walk(four beats)to find some meaning,
I realize I am in (three beats)the wrong side of town.
It is not always that I get (four beats)wasted,
Now all (two beats)I do is froooooown.

              I can not,(four beats)believe she left me,

              I was most com(two beats) mitted to her ass,

              I came home often,(two beats) fairly often,

              Now, To find her  with a laaaaass.

close the song with a sort of red rover red rover send jimmy right over sound!

I have noticed if you close any song with a wild flurry, people will forget the tripe you fed them in the first several verses.  Stoners have the shortest memories of all demographics.
 Actually, this song was inspired by Bob Dylan's  Precious Memories.  Looking back at that reality, it is hard to tell if anything healthy or decent could have inspired my song. 

Once many years ago, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Neil Young, Joe Walsh, Chris Christupidson and Nemo the Space Chicken, ( I snuck in a Tea Time Movie) gave a concert to honor Bob Dylan.  Every one of these people, Dylan included have two things in common.  The first commonality is their abilities to create fine and lasting music.  The second unniversally accepted note is none of them can sing a lick compared to most "singers".  I remember for the final number of the tribute evening, they all got together, Dylan included and sang "Blowin in the Wind".  Their were tears in my eyes.  The pain in my ears overwhelmed me and it jumped out of my eyes bringing life soothing water with it. 

When all of them went for the golden ring on "The answer my freeeind, is blowin in the wiiiiiiiind", I saw a crack appear in the roof structure of the Hollywood Bowl.  The concert was in Brooklyn!  Regardless of that, it was nice to see and hear a bunch of old rockers jammin.  So I write this song only to purge the Basket and revive the memory.

Friday Science: What the hell?

In the past several weeks I have read two scientific reports on some strange psychosis and delusional abnormalities.  They were both related to cultural beliefs and have a tag name of Culture-Bound Disorder.  The first article was about people, mostly from southeast Asia waking up from sleep unable to move.  They are awake and can move their eyes but cannot move.  Many of the mostly men "feel" an evil presence near them and sometimes see evil sitting on their chest.  The other disorder has set me so aghast and I am not sure I will recover, really!  It is more astounding than the Siamese twin males that were joined at the hip and had a normal lives complete with wives and children.  Much more shocking than birds mating in flight.  Even more morose than a shark with one eye.

There is an area in a distant part of India where people fear being bitten by dogs because it may make them pregnant with puppies.  A survey of the people in the area showed that only nine percent of the otherwise normal people thought the puppy prospect was absurd.   What??!!!?++&*????  I can assure you most definitely that you will not be the same person if you follow this link and read the article.  The man who wrote the article is an arrogant uncaring bonehead yet covers the topic well.

The Asian people become paralyzed and fear impending doom.  Of course they do.  If I woke up one morning and could not move a muscle I would only realize that I was not dead because I would be peeing myself.  These stricken people are mostly male, head of the household types with high levels of stress.  The people with the puppy problem develop life threatening physical problems and many swear they know of deaths resulting from the pregnancies. 

Buddy Hackett used to say he suffered from "Non-acrophobia" which is the fear of not being high!  I have a fear of spiders (most insects of size) and bow legged women.  Culture bound disorders are found in all cultures and they fade with geologic time, like old wives tales.  It is hard to remember that in some parts of the world, whether it is the twenty first century is completely irrelevant and meaningless.  Time is kept by planting seasons or floods.  Reality is from experiences and not book learned knowledge.  Possibilities are of the mind and not of facts.  If your grandma told you a dingo stole her baby, who are you to roll your eyes.
I will never recover to the same tilt because life is a balancing act.  A wise man leans and sways to and fro with the action of life.  This one has run me aground on a rocky crag.  Care must me taken from here and out.

News of No Interesting facts

COLTON, Calif. (AP) — Police say a naked, 300-pound bodybuilder savagely beat a Southern California couple at their home, leaving them in critical condition.

I have seen these "crazed naked body builder" stories before.  They all involve drugs and roids.  The most interesting part of the story was that it took four police, two stun guns and six hand cuffs to control the dud.    Is there a sound track?  I am sure it was caught on the POPOCAM but I want sound.  This should and will be on COPS sine day.  I saw the episode with the two naked college girls dancing in the front yard sprinkler of an old couple.  The elderly couple were pulling up a lounge chair when the police arrived. The two male police immediately called for "female" backup.  Now that is news.

The family that was beaten by the bodybuilder was just trying to get in their house and King Kong grabbed them, tossing them about.  They will have a story to tell the rest of their lives.  That is maybe even worth a beating.  That is what we should do with the people in prison for murder.  Give them steroids, cocaine and caffeine and let them go in Pakistan or China.  The Mayans used to drug up in preparation for battle.  They would eat Llama testicles mixed with coffee beans and all wrapped in a Coca leave.   Sort of a testicle wrap.  They could fight until dusk even injured.

This naked guy should not go to prison or the court system of California should not waste any money on the guy.  He has enough problems.  His hair if falling out, his liver is bad, he will get some sort of testicular cancer and he has no relationships with people.  He has a cat and a dead cactus in his apartment.  Or is that a dead cat and a cactus?

College Algerbra

I received my test back with a score of 67.  Hmm, this must be a mistake I thought.  I studied way hard enough to get a 70.  I scanned the paper and there it was, question #13. 

13.  2+X=Y    Solve for X.    I answered "X=2"  and the teacher marked a big red X through it.

After class I approached the teacher. 

Snetty:  Ms. Cloughman, I think you incorrectly marked my paper.
Cloughman:  Oh, Mr. Snetty, nice to see you showed up two days in a row.  What can I help you with?
Snetty:  Question 13, I put the answer "2" and you marked it wrong.
Cloughman:  That is because it is wrong.
Snetty:  Well of course the answer is 2.
Cloughman:  You were supposed to derive the equation, its all variables, there is not enough info to say what X equals all the time.
Snetty:  But the answer is 2, what kind of derivation is required.
Cloughman:  Mr. Snetty, you have about ten seconds and then I have another class to lecture.
Snetty:  So, if I subtract Y from both sides you get 2+X-Y=0, that does not simplify anything.
Cloughman:  Mr. Snetty, I do not have time for this.
Snetty:  Ok, wait, X is 2 because Y is 4 so 2+2=4, correct?
Cloughman:  I have to go, what if Y was 6?
Snetty:  Y is never 6.  That would make  4=6-2 and that is so prosaic!
As she wiggled her cute butt past me and down the hall, she said:
Cloughman:  I see your point, I will change the grade.

When I got my report card I received a C in Algebra which looked really cool above the C in Organic Chemistry, the C in Cell Physiology and the C in COBOL.  At the bottom of the report card there was a GPA number for that semester.  You will never guess what it was, yep, the magical value of X.  "2.0" which is 2.  I went to the registrars office and showed the important looking mother figure lady at the counter  my report card. 

Registrar:  Yes young man,  how can I help you?
Snetty:  Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt.
Registrar: Excuse me?
Snetty:  This is my report card, I got a "C" in every class.
Registrar: That is passing!
Snetty:  I do not have to take any of them over again?
Registrar: Nope, you passed the semester.
Snetty:  Hmmmp.

Off I went to charge the next windmill.

Insects

9


Enough said.

When I was in college, a professor tried to insight me to become an entomologist by waving a sweet research position at me.  I considered the offer for less than a second.  Well actually, I used my "go back three spaces(or seconds)" card from my pocket Monopoly and said no before he even opened his mouth to make the offer.  I said to the Professor, "I thought you were a bird guy?"  He told me his graduate work was related to insects of southern Patagonia.  "I fell in love with penguins and auks while down there. (most probably literally)

Anyway, I was so freaked out by the movie Starship Trooper that I cannot even look at a bug of any kind.  I can hold a dragonfly as long as he does not move his legs.  Ok, so insects are the bottom of the food chain and an integral part of the worlds' biom.   Well the above cricket could fish salmon on the annual run.  God has a grand purpose for them and for us so I guess I can let them be themselves.  There was a Japanese fighter pilot that after the war, vowed to never kill another living thing.  He included insects, even the ever buzzing mosquito in that proclamation.  As a monk, he could do no other.  I can use a shotgun on that Jiminy.
Better man than me. 

Bottle Tops

In Margaritaville, there is a serious injury from a pop top.  Ban them, ban them all.  Actually, you rarely see them anymore for pop. (soda north of the Mason-Dickson)  Beer bottles still use them.  My lava lamp has one but it is twenty five years old.  Many people feel that a beer tops, twist off or impossible to get off do not need to be in a trash bin.  Beer tops, newly relieved from a crimped existence, are free spirited entities and must be mysteriously flicked into the wild blue sailing as a flying saucer onto some parking lot or lawn. 

I am not sure why pop bottles have mostly gone plastic with screw tops.  Beer can be found in plastic at ball games of all sorts where rudeness is still tolerated.  At hockey games they used to heat bottle caps up with a lighter and fling them on the ice.  Well, I have heard of squid (octopus), dimes and fish being throw onto a hockey rink.  I heard someone once threw a hubcap from a car onto the ice.  I guess security was not curious why a man was taking a hubcap to a hockey game yet do not dare try to sneak a bottle of cherry sloe gin into the arena. 

Beer tops are make of steel and covered inside and out with plastic so rusting and disintegrating is a slow process.  I find them in my pasture and only carbon dating can for sure tell me how old they are.  If I knew the selection would have been so varied I would have started a collection.   They will want to see my bottle top collection. 

"They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon." 

Henry David Thoreau did not speak of the manifest rights to fling bottle caps all over the place.  The Magna Carta did not speak of the God given rights of littering.  Did Thomas Paine say "Give me bottle caps hovering like flying saucers or give me death!"
I think John Adams said "Sam, pickup your bottle caps, the wenches will be hear in a fortnight and this is not a pig puddle."

No, I am sure the manufacturers of bottle caps assumed, as the cigarette makers did that people would use a waste receptacle.  The designers could not imagine the thrill of flicking a cap like skipping a stone on water but on air.  I could have imagined it but I have issues that we cannot go into in just a few paragraphs.  Control your caps is all I am saying. 

Friday Science: Tea For Two

John Wayne, William Duvane, Jordyn Wieber
Jordan Sparks and Sparky the wonder Tuna in
               Flat Stanley pitches a Pup Tent.

I love this stuff.  Tea Time Movies was a standard on the Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson. 

I have started a Tea for Two O'clock at work.  Everyone is always running around looking busy and they need a break.  I insist that all stop working and sit down for a cup of tea.  Talking about current work is forbidden.  People look forward to Two O'clock and not because it is two hours from going home time.  We dine on chocolates and cookies with tea.  We insist on the pinky finger sticking out and an accent is commonly used while speaking. 

I want Tea time to catch on because people need it.  Some take smoke breaks, there are those that take union breaks.  The vast majority just trudge through the day without getting up.  Recently there are several medical papers on sitting and the relationship to strokes.  It has to do with circulation and the body's response to inactivity.  We have programs on our computers that force us to stop typing every so often.  They, the big they in the sky say it helps with the carpal tunnel anomalies and reduces complications from repetitive motion injuries. 

I think reducing repeated cognitive injuries to the noodle is just as important to keep our curmudgeoness tendencies in limbo.  Doing the same mindless scat every day or for hours and hours is harmful.  Look at accountants, bad eyes, bad hair, ghoulish posture and rotating air pockets in the brain during conversations all signs of numericalopathy.
Ebenezer Scrooge was not whistling Dixie all day.  Bartleby the Scribler was not rebellious to attract women.  No, they were burned out.  Melville even went so far as to allude that these damaged individuals were as lepers.

Tea time will revitalize our work efforts.  It will not work as well as a nap but I am working on that policy also.  Tea at Two....

When Will They Learn-NEVER

I reviewed pictures of tunnels assembled by drug runners and the entire article reminded me of Hogan's Heroes.  These tunnels cost thousands of dollars to build with only a small chance of completion without being detected.  The article talked of the insatiable appetites for drugs in the United States.  Our feeble incompetent government spends billions of dollars try to stop billions of dollars worth of drugs from entering.  Why not spend some millions on preventing the need for drugs from another country and save some time, money and resources. 

I just saw an article on "horse slaughtering facilities in the US".  It seems that the moronic policy to ban horse slaughter in this country because of humane reasons only increased the inhumanity to horses.  Now they are sent to other countries where they are treated even worse to be processed and then we have to import the meat.  The export of horses to Mexico increased 600 percent when the ban went into effect.  Will the fascists of this country ever learn that banning something does not stop it.  Lets ban books, lets ban interracial marriage, lets ban Jews, Muslims and Mormons from everything.  That will stop all the evilness in the world.  Death will take a holiday.  Why not ban alcohol consumption?  There are all sorts of problems with poor consumption of the ole -OH.  Oh wait, that was a huge failure, wasn't it.  Prohibition made millionaires out of many people especially the judges and those politicians. 

It used to be said that the need for education is so that we can learn from history.  Well, with the average person on the street being completely clueless of history, science, religion and mathematics and how it relates to our lives and futures, it is no wonder our society is in such a mess.  The wake up call has been slept through, the ignoramuses are winning and I am tired.  Call me when it is over, on second thought, do not call me, I will not recognize the number.

Stats

I just looked at my blog stats for the year.  I have a few regular readers.  I have maybe six regular readers.  Every once in a while I get a blip from two flat head Neomorphs in the Ukraine trying to snark my machine.  I think they are women because I just think they are.  My niece tells me she gets on to the site every so often and catches up on a whole bunch of them.  I had someone from Iceland reading it for two days straight.  Their computer must have been broken.

Statistics could be exciting if it were not for all the numbers and math.  Pie charts are my favorite statistical tool.  It makes it simple to like pie and charts.  I hate spreadsheets.  Spreadsheets remind me of little people with even smaller wankers who drive big cars.  Spreadsheets have all those obvious numbers that are meaningless without graphs and standard deviations.  My stats look impressive if I blow them up big enough and compare them to KFed's record sales. 

Statistics are everything in baseball.  They try to invent statistics for NASCAR and the NFL.  Does anyone really care about completion percentage or yards per carry?  A repetitive "NO" is required.  Do lap times mean squat in practice runs around an oval.  No.  Most sports including baseball have a shifting baseline.  (One of my favorite web sites)   The 162 game season or in football, the 14 game season all mean something to stat mongers.  NASCAR changes statistics weekly to try to make running around in circles interesting.  Wrecks, fights and groupies make things interesting, not numbers.  Baseball is considered a unique sport because of the statistics.  It is a sport for Eunuchs maybe, if you add in all the new stats. 

My blog has had 2000 visits in a year.  That is about the same as the number of times I went to the bathroom in a year so you see how statistics work.

Sometimes I Just Sit

Sometimes I sit and think and sometimes I just sit!  I  have heard this said and I have said it.  I probably will not say it any more.  I google whacked it and there is tons of stupid junk written related to it.  I never found out who is credited with the saying and I would be embarrassed to use the phrase again.  It is not original or funny from here on out.

My dad used to say whenever he did not want our freely given opinion.  "Who rattled your chain?" or "I don't remember rattling your chain!"  Chain, what chain?  Possibly even more important, they do not rattle.  They clank but you would never say, "Who clanked your chain?"  Remember in "Cool Hand Luke" when Paul Newman says while taking a pee behind a bush, "I'm shaking it Boss".  Now you can shake a chain, a bush or puddin.  I do not think I have ever rattled.

Many times I have failed to "Look before I leaped" and usually it cost me dearly because it is physically impossible to change direction when you are jumping over a bush and going to land on a cactus.  Damage control is an understatement.  Sometimes God expects a leap of faith.  I am in charge of the leap and He is in charge of the landing I guess.  God allows cacti in our lives also. 

I never say "It is what it is" and I will fight for my right to not say it.  Of course it is, what the hell else would it be.  At least, "It ain't what it appears to be" gives you some wiggle room on one's own stupidity.  "It appeared to be a monkey screwing a football but if you can believe it, it ain't what it appears to be".  It still may be what it is, at least I hope so.

Someone said to my the other day, "Hey Matt, what do you think of this?" My gut tells me this must be a trick question.  I look around and say "HMP".  I learned long ago not to say anything if you do not know what to say.  I have failed in this concept so many times.  When my wife asks me if the shirt is ugly or if it makes her look old.  I always hope there is a third choice.  I usually say, "I have no fashion sense, ask Alix".  Since she has moved out, I told my son that he will have to brush up on the fashion stuff.  I got him a subscription to Vogue.  I have learned to place my hand over my mouth the instant someone asks me a question in case I need to edit my response.  My mouth starts moving before my brain is awake.  Hump is the same response as "look before your leap".  OK. 

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  I have said this before and I just confirmed it by living through another "family" party.  Some family parties are excuses and precursors for domestic violence.  Some dysfunctional families get together during Thanksgiving only to drink too much, eat improperly prepared foods and go home feeling much worse than when they arrived.  Families get together out of guilt and insanity.  (Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result)  Meeting year after year in hopes that at least once everyone will get along and be "happy" is nuts.  Or as Benny Hill would say "Das Braininstuff up dehn Umpa". 

The Thanksgiving our extended families just created was truly a time of thanks and giving.  Many different people amassed at my house talked and chit chatted for hours.  The food has always been of the utmost importance and quality.  The children, yes the lovely children seemed to sense that these strangers are of a familiar kind.  They all share games and secrets like long lost friends.  The kids do not know it but these are friends they will have for the rest of their lives and that is as it should be. 

The best group is the old crowd.  My aunts and uncles whom I have literally known my entire life.  We say that phrase often, "my entire life".  This is one situation that rings truth to that phrase.  These people have filled in for our own parents when for whatever reason we needs then to.  They love us like our own parents do or should and their children are as familiar as a brother or a sister.  The old crowd is so fun to watch interact.  They too have been together their entire lives. 

I thanked all that came and I meant it with my heart.  There was food left over and I ate it quickly so to shorten the pain to a few days instead of many.  

Civic Duty

I remember in Seventh Grade I was led into a real voting booth to cast my simulated vote for president of the United States.  It was an experiment in civic responsibility.  I remember not knowing anything about the candidates Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford and thinking that I should for such a huge responsibility as "voting".  I was so scared I did not vote that day or any other of the next two thousand nine hundred and twenty days to be exact.  When I did force my way into a voting booth, I voted for High Speed Rail in Orlando and Bob Graham for governor.    That was 1979.

I only voted for the subjects I knew something about.  I remember the ballot had some other bills and stuff but I did not vote yes or no.  I could not, would not with a goat so I did not will not with the vote.  I have voted for many thing on a fairly regular basis since that time.  I voted against off shore drilling and for Jeb Bush. I voted for Bush Sr. and against W. Bush.  I cast 1 vote for a cartoon character.  He had the best platform. 

Recently, I have tried very hard to vote locally and learn the topics and form an opinion.  I tried to apply the formula, If I cannot reason a choice, vote out incumbent, vote in female, reject amendments, vote yes for modifications.   Also, I believe in using the "Christmas tree" format for the selections.  Hell, it got me through the ACT test for college with a 23 score so I figured nothing but the best artwork for the country.  I do love the ballots where there is a space for a write in candidate.  The candidate formerly known as Prince got a vote one year.  IF I ever vote again, Josie Wales will get a write in. 

I think we should be able to cast a "NO" votes and the candidate with the least NOs wins.  Editorial votes would be nice. 

1.  For County Judge,  To Bit Jenkins, __YES,__NO, __MORON.

Our vote should be a representation of the people.  How are we going to clean up this mess if we have to keep appointing idiots, perverts, liars, crooks and morons to positions.  Those are the only choices.  Since they are not accomplishing a freakin thing accept blowing our tax money and each other, we, and I speak for Americas, do not need any of them.  We should only vote for felons and illiterate inbreds and I am pretty sure things would come around nicely in one election cycle. 

2.  For Election Commissioner
__"Scar" Ellison,, Experience   -  9 yrs for armed robbery and Sedition
__ Sue Benton, former deputy Housing commissioner
__ Richard Markleson, Accountant with tie and bad hair

The only other suggestion I have is that they give away barbecue and water from the local aquifer (if there is a bill related to water usage and health on the ballot)  at the polling stations.  People would show up and have a good time.

Children of Wall Street

I was talking with a deregulator the other day.  He expressed his contempt for government over regulation. 

I don't need anyone telling me what Dr. to go to, what kind of light bulb to buy or if I can buy a gun or not.  He went on to say, "The government needs to round up all those immigrants in Texas and ship them back to Mexico, kick all those dead beats off of welfare and create some jobs for the working man."

I pondered his rant.

I have said before that teenagers think that we make them come in at midnight so as to keep them from having fun.  No, they need some regulation.  The atmosphere they exist in cannot assure safety and good decision making.  That is why we need to regulate banks, healthcare and guns.  Not so they cannot make money and have fun.   Yes it is true they may not make as much money.  Selling guns secretly to gangs is a larger more lucrative market than the general public.  Leveraging our money to one percent of its value will make wall street much richer but when the note comes due, we lose, not the bankers.  Drugs and doctors pushing products and services we no not need make them a ton of money.  I regulated my kids as much as I could.  I want the government to do the same with my tax dollars.

I think the rich should be rich, I think wall street should play its games.  I just want the government to make sure that if they screw up, it does not cost me.  That is what I want from these adolescent bone heads.

I have to write something

I have obtained no mental peace lately and that sets up an unfriendly stage.  The reasons are varied although I think exercise would help greatly.  I need a walk and a good swim.  I usually do not swim.  I hate getting wet with cloths on my body.  This is a new revelation of an old situation.  I look back on my life and I seemed to not like wet cloths.  Wet socks inside wet shoes I can tolerate.  I do not like men's bathing suits even if they are non wetting.  I like them on women.

My lack of mental peace comes from lousy sleep, no money, an increasingly grouchy disposition and fat.   Fat seems to get a bad rap from everyone.  My doctor tells me I am fat and my Thyroid is acting up.  He also tells me I am ugly and I now weigh more than him.  I think the thyroid medication is changing my sleep and maybe helping.  I have never had much money so that should not be adding any great stress.  The increasing grouchiness is kind of amusing to me.  I understand why Mr. Raleno was always pointing and yelling.  He was old and probably not sleeping well and needed to blame it on someone.  The kids say that I am mean and not a very good grandpa.  I tell them their expectations are way to high and life is not fair so get away from me.

Partially, I am at sorts because I never get to work on these blogs any more.  I used to write them, let them cook for a few days, review them, change a few things and then submit publish them.  Now I create and shoot.  Also, I want to paint again and I just cannot get the isolation I need. I also feel guilty because I am not doing my studies.  I am trying to learn a new language and I am not practicing enough. 

So I am out of my groove and in a rut if that is posible.

Friday Science: Vegetable or Fruit

This is a science joke. 

One scientist says to Another scientist, Is a potato a fruit or a vegetable?
Another Scientist looks puzzled.
        One Scientist says "Neither".

I can tell you one thing, those scientist are a crazy, happy bunch.

Actually, in the biological science world, there is no such term as a vegetable.  The world is used ubiquitously in the food world for something that hangs on a plant.  There is a vegetative state that currently describes my attitude at work. 

In the plant world, almost every seed bearing ornament, an apple or an orange, a pumpkin or a squash is technically a "fruit".  So you say what is a potato or an onion?  A root.  What is a guava or a pineapple?  A fruit of course.  If I was a plant, my testicles would be a fruit because they contain the workings for the next generation.  They could never be considered a vegetable or a root, well almost never.  Well, there was that one time in Vegas but I got paid for that.

The Fruit of the Loom guys are three fruits and a leaf.  NO this incident was not in Vegas, this was in Cleveland and there was a leopard skin leotard involved.  "Fruiting body" is a more technical term which encapsulates more function with description. 

Goose Bumps and Butter flies

Whenever I hear the live version of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" with the crowd noises at Shea Stadium I get goose bumps.  Throughout the entire song I am all tingly each time the sweaty, frothing girls kick it up a notch.  I can feel the bumps on my arms and legs with my face flushing and the tingle goes up my neck to the back of my head.  It is sort of like the first time someone kisses you between your clean toes.  I am not sure anatomically what goose bumps are or what they are actually trying to do.  During my senior year of high school football, each game we would run out on the field and the crowd would usually make us feel wanted and needed.  At the beginning of every game I developed goose bumps.  I get them whenever I watch a film of Jessie Owens winning the 200 meters while Dolf Hitler is in the crowd at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin.  So much for the Aryan race.
Sometimes I get butterflies while I am goosebumping.  (Not to be confused with Goose Bumping, that is an entirely different thing.)  Butterflies are more of a stomach thing associated with fear or anticipation.  I developed them at most sporting activities I participated in.  Whenever I walked up to the plate in baseball, my mouth would dry up and my stomach would ache.  Anticipating fear caused the worst butterflies.  Bad report cards or test, police in your driveway when you get home or noises in the middle of the night that sound like a water buffalo is in your kitchen usually give me butterflies. I feel like Don Knotts in "The Ghost and Mr. Chicken".  It is funny, the butterflies go away about the same time the pain starts.  (Not real funny)  Sometimes I would just be walking home and I would get butterflies.  I figured it was a sort of sixth sense and so I would check my balance, alert my senses and start walking like a ninja.  Some mean ass grasshopper would jump out of a bush and land on my head and I would pass out from not breathing while my senses were on high alert.

The butterflies would be gone when I regained consciousness.  The goosebumps would start from all the people that were laughing at my antics.  Just another day in Psychosis City.

Ear Plug Update

A while back I started sleeping with ear plugs to more easily escape the reality of life.  Effective as it was, there have been some drawbacks and some triumphs. 

On the negative side: 

I can report that my ear holes have taken a more rounded shape.  I think that is good except that maybe bugs can crawl in there since I noticed that the ear hair is not as plentiful as it used to be.  I cannot have bugs getting in there.  I was in Honduras a while back and there was a lady running around screaming that she had a bug in her ear.  We passed her off for nuts and to our amazement after tackling her and trying to sedate her we actually found a really small moth in her ear.  Did you ever notice that when something is found in your ear, it feels like a boulder and when you get it out you can barely see the speck.  I guess this lady who was borderline nuts anyway thought there was a Pterodactyl in her head.

A positive result of the ear plugs has been the sleep.  I get at least four hours uninterrupted sleep.  There can be antelope evading lions on the stairs and I just do not hear them.  Of course, the meth heads next door could set up a lab in the kitchen and I would not hear them.  My wife talks to me with these plugs in and she does not know I cannot hear every word (as apposed to not listening) so I say what a few times, nod my head and go to sleep.   

I seem to be missing one ear plug.  One morning I got up and had to do some digging in my ear for the foam thing.  It was past that bone perturbation and really in there.  I could hear myself scratchin my head.  Anyway, I got it out with a pair of dagger tipped tweezers.   Still, I am missing one.  These squishy foam things are expensive. I think four dollars will get you five sets.  Now I know that any nitwit  industrial fabricator could make a thousand of them for ten cents but how will they get rich selling them at that fair price.  I also seem to think that the pressure, small but continuous is causing some kind of jaw malfunction.  I get this clicking sound some mornings emanating from my jaw. 

As a whole, I think the ear plugs are of medium success.  I still wonder about the ear hair.

Telephone Support

I made a call to find out why my telephone bill was as high as it was.  It is the AT&T Bendover Bundle with High Speed Lubricant Extreme.  Surprisingly, I have been fairly happy with the plan.  Lately, I am feeling unappreciated and I think the shelf life has run out on the lubricant.  So I called the AT&T Help Line on the web page. 

He introduced himself as Seth and I wondered if he was outsourced to Krakatoa, Micronesia.   Over the Avian flu like coughing and chattering in the background, he informed me he was from Salt Lake City, Utah.  I decided to check and make sure.  I said, "You sound young, should you not be on a mission?".  He informed me he just got back from Sarasota, Florida and his Bishop told him he needed a job with AT&T.  "Note to self:  At&T is going to be bought out by Prudential Insurance" which is owned by the Mormon Church.  I just watched an episode of Stargate SG-1 where a glowing eyed Seth was a bad guy running a cult so everything seems copacetic.

Me:  So , Hey Seth, my bill keeps going up but I am on a plan, how is that possible?

Seth:  Well, I cannot check your exact account information but I can tell you what plans we have available. 

Me:  Hmmmp

Seth:  Let me have your address to see what is available in your area.

It felt like I was trying to get my windshield fixed all over again.  By the way, I found a windshield, installed at my house, next day for $30 less.  Seth asked me for my zip code, and stuff.  Why cannot a company like AT&T, a big super gigundas company with techno power know from my call where, who and what freakin zip code I come from.  Caller ID should have all that information.  Then the dreaded question:

Seth:  Would you prefer to be called Matt or Mathew, is that spelled with one T as in Tom?

Me:  Matt with an M and two TT's, thank you Seth with an S as in Satan!

I knew at this point, I would not get answers to my questions so lets see if I can point Seth in the right direction.

Seth:  It says you can have unlimited local and long distance for $29.95 each and I do not have a price on the Internet.  Would you like to sign up for this now?

Me:  Na, I want to talk with billing first and find out what the problem is. Thank you Seth.

I really try not to be rude.  I know these guys and gals are just trying to make a living and maybe they are young and just getting through college.  Maybe they have made bad choices and just need a job to support mouths.  I really do try.

earthquake

I just finished a four month journey watching every episode of the Stargate SG-1 series on Netflix.  Now I am not completely sure I started at episode 1.  I watched the show when it was on TV but I never saw every one.  Actually, this time I skipped half of season nine and went to the last episode of the final season.  Since Harry Dean Stanton left the show it was not the same.  That is a joke for you serious SG-1ers out there.

I am not too concerned about those episodes I missed.  The tension is just not there.  They vanquish all foes and if someone dies they come back to life.  They even do that time travel thing.  For those of you old enough to remember "Time Tunnel" it is sort of like that.  Personally, I lose interest when there is time travel.  I am just not on that train I guess.  For me, it is chicks in nice fitting cloths kicking crotches and shooting guns but Stargate SG-1 kept my interest for quite a while.  I cannot really figure out "why"!

I like smart mouthed heroes.  I think satirical people get "it" at a deeper level than others.  I was watching Die Hard II the other day.  McCain is a smart mouth.  I watched High Plains Drifter also.  Even though he says very little, he is a smart mouth anti-hero.  If you cannot joke in the face of death what good are ya.  What are you going to do in your last minute of life? Cry?.   You can do anything that you are willing to die for!  More importantly, if you are not willing to die for it, you will most likely not do it well.

The stargate is a euphemism  for "lets see what is around the next corner or what is the next card in the deck."  I usually can avoid such mental traps but I did not try with this show.  Not only did I want to see what was through the next gate, I wanted to be there for some reason.  I think I would need to carry a bunch of toilet paper to actually go through on a mission.  I do want to see what is around the next bend in the road but not if someone promises to put a giant snake lizard in my neck if I get caught.  I wonder if these evil beast were afraid of a Mongoose.  It may have been that simple to save the universe.

Mulan saved China, Jack Oneill saved the universe, I saved stuff from annihilation.  It is fun and the whole family can help.  I do not recall watching the original movie, Stargate but I remember a show called Starman which I liked.  We all need a stargate to transport us to a place where we did not think we needed to go.  We found that the gate was within us, Indeed!

sleeping in

I read an article about earthquakes in Oklahoma where they are not a common occurrence until lately.  There are small rumbles barely noticeable all the time.  They have had and increase in small rumbles and some of them are larger than comfortable to the locals.

In comes the marginally intelligent, always reactionary pot stirrers.  Fracking is causing the increase in earthquakes and if we continue we will destroy the earth because we pumped some water into a crack one mile into the earth.  Lets look at the facts as I make them up.

1.  These lately earthquakes were diagnosed to have occurred about three miles deep. 
2.  Someone has been pumping oil out of the ground in central Oklahoma for almost 100 years.
3.  Fracking is an increasing trend.
4.  Most fracking is occurring in older wells to extend production.
5.  The average Oklahoma person, like the rest of the country is becoming more ignorant about science and the whole mess.
6.  Oil companies are NOT our friends and they lie.
7.  Earthquakes release billions of tons of force when they crack, shift or slide.
8.  Drilling companies require high pitch squealing sounds so they routinely request the services of Mariah Carey since Micheal Jackson is dead and he was a flammability risk.
9.   Lots of chemicals are used in fracking but none are used in earthquakes.
10.  Earthquakes and earthquacks are not related.  Earthquacks are most likely stupid.

In summary:

Most likely, earthquakes are not being created by fracking or drilling in general.  It could be a cumulative effect of 100 years of disturbing the ground.  Oil companies have also done a cumulative negative effects for the world.  They have  been pumping chemicals out of the ground (oil and gas) and replacing it with chemicals, body parts and old home movies of J. Edgar Hoover.   As a rule of mine, I do not figure that anything the humans can do can trigger an earthquake.  Even the atomic bombs did not do it.  I think it takes something like an ice age, a global flood or another movie with Eddie Murphy, Jim Carey and Rob Schneider staring. 

winshield

Last week Andy Rooney died of old age.  I am glad he is a writer and I can read his words and relive his utterances.  I will be able to picture him grouching through his topics while always hiding behind his eyebrows as if to say, "Hey, do not look at me, listen to the words.  I could listen to them all day long.  Most of everything he said was his honest opinion and needed to be said.  Like the wisdom you expect to hear from a grandparent or the old guy down at the park. 

Joe Frazier died this week.  He was one of the greatest men ever and even Ali knew it.  Liver cancer got him at sixty seven years young.  He was an Olympic Gold Medal winner and the Boxing champion of the world.  He used what he had, a hard head and a lethal left hook that could scare the bejesus out of you and worse.  I miss watching him fight.  A few years ago there was a 60 Minutes piece on him and he was a polite, reserve gentleman  that accomplished some truly great things.  I hope history will be kind to Joe. 

I know that Andy and Joe are now sitting together talking about the great fights, David and Goliath, Ike and Tina, Liz and Richard.  We are supposed to be careful who we idolize.  I cannot go wrong with Andy and Smokin Joe.  I miss you guys already. 

Questions

I have been driving around for more than a year with and ever creeping crack in my windshield.  I promised my daughter that I would get it fixed soon.  While sitting at a stop light, a man ran up to my car and handed me a card that said "Economy Windshield and Glass".  I would prefer it to say "cheap" so I called the number but he must be out of business.  The internet gave me three locations near my house for windshield replacement. 

I hate calling for quotes and anything like that.  So I call the phone number that shows the bubble locating the shop about a mile from my house.  Drive in, twenty minutes and I am out with an as promised new windshield.  But noooooooo!  The overly polite fragile lady starts in with the questions.

Me:  "Yes, I am looking to replace my windshield; it is for a 1998 Honda CRV.  Can you help me with a quote?
Fragile:  Certainly sir, This is All-American Auto Glass Co.  How can I help you?
Me:  Yeh ah, I need a windshield.
Fragile:  Let me get some information and I will help you with that.

With my opening statement, I gave her everything I need to get a price and availability on a windshield so she needs to use her opposable thumb and punch in the data and give me a quote.  but Nada.

Fragile:  Sir, what is your zip code?

I am thinking of all the questions she might ask me (penis size, do I have a dog?) and zip code was not one of them.  Since this is a complete bullshit question, I always answer 99898 to the zip code question.  This is the zip code for Rat Island in the Alaskan Archipelago, about 1000 miles west of Anchorage.

Fragile:  Thank you sir!   Now, how can I help you.  Did you say you need glass for your automobile or trailer? We have a full line of glass for cars, trucks and trailers.

Me:  Windshield for a Honda CRV, 1998. 

I tried mixing up the information.  Maybe if she hears it in a different order, her marbles will fall into the holes. 

Fragile:  Ok, just a few more questions? (Remember she has asked me how she can help me twice already.  I am beginning to think she cannot.)  Is this the front windshield?
No, it is the one up your ass.  Three days later I am still thinking about this question.  I never thought of any other glass on the car being a windshield unless I am someone who drives backwards all the time.
Me:  Yes!!
Fragile:  OK, is this an insurance claim?
Me:  No!
Fragile:  So, you are going to pay for it yourself? 

I hope  that was a rhetorical question because I only have a few answers left to give before I hang up so I did not answer. 

Fragile:  Ok, thank you!  What is the year and model of the car, truck or trailer?
Me:  1998 Honda, CRV it is green with dents all over it and a crack in the windshield.
Fragile:   Oh, that is too bad, is the crack larger than six inches?
Me:  Oh Yes. (about the size of the one in your head)
Fragile:  What is you name and insurance company?

Now, for the most irritation question I ever get from anyone!
Fragile:  Would you prefer to be called Matt or Matthew?

You can call me Candy Ass Libby if you will just give me a freakin price.

Fragile:  Ok, the computer is a little slow today, please be patient.  Ok here it comes.  (Now remember I called the Cocoa, Fl.  phone number)  Oh, I see you are in Alaska, our nearest associate is in Nome, Alaska.  That is 1186 miles from your location.  They can do it on Monday morning.  Would you like me to make you an appointment?
Me:  I do not think I can make it Monday.  (There are no bridges or cars on Rat Island)
Fragile:  Well, for $39.95 additional charge we can fix it at your home.

I was so tempted to say Ok and let that order go through but I did not.
Me:  Ok, so how much will it cost for a windshield for a 1998 Honda CRV?  (fourth time I asked this question)
Let me see what the computer says, OK, that will be $229 and 73 cents, tax will be extra.  Did you know a front windshield is part of the overall safety plan for your car?(rhetorical I hope)
Me:  I do not have $229.73 so I will have to wait a paycheck or two. 
Well, sir, I will keep this in computer and when you call back, ask for discounts and they price may be lower.
Me:  Thank you!

I may be driving around with the cracked windshield for a little while longer.

Friday Science: Global Warming/Climate Change

There has been four or five articles that are rearing the ugly head of global warming.  The Fascist Right thought they had killed this Levampian Smurf.  The Liberal Way Outs even thought it was useless to talk about because they changed the name to Climate Change.  One can be pretty sure the weather will not stay the same so "change" is a good vague name to use.  (Do not go running to your American Collegiate Standard dictionary for the word Levampian, it is not in there.   I made it up.  There is a similar word somewhere but I could not think of it at the time of this writing.  The context is correct.  Also, the dictionary is still an extremely cool book to read.)

The interesting points in the articles were not just that the temperatures are getting warmer but that some of the indicators associated with the phenomenon are verifying the data.  Giant iceberg calving processes, huge ozone-less hole getting bigger over the Arctic, and Micheal Jackson, Siegfried and Roy, Jonny Bravo and Lady Gaga all have the exact same hair.  

Still, with all the posturing and the sticking of the head and obviously the butt in the sand, the big question is "what if anything can be done about it?  Can we reverse the trend toward warming, increase its progress, change the way we do things.  Probably all of the three. 

Here is what we can do without much effort and if many people did these simple things we could save the planet at least in our grandchildren's time here on Earth.

Stop buying plastic as much as possible.  That includes plastic packaging.  Plastics have made oil companies rich.  They have not improved our lives at all.  Well, maybe disposable diapers to some degree.

When the recyclers start mining the landfill dumps for metals and plastics, they will unleash a torrent of microbes that will make the world literally sick. So that is the second thing we can do for Climate change.   Personal recycling.  Do not let someone else recycle your waste.  Do it yourself.

The third thing is to teach your grandchildren to not procreate.  The planet will be dying by then and there will be no reason or ability to have a good life.

Children

What is the hardest topic to talk about with your teenager

Sex
Drugs
Money
Relationships
Their impending death

I find most subjects fairly easy to talk to kids about.  One of the reasons for the ease is because they are not listening anyway.  I can drift off the subject and not even be accurate and they do not care.  They are in a different plane of existence.   You have to talk straight with children these days.  After about three years of age, adults are in damage control with kids.  Today's children have seen more sex,violence and stupidity than I will ever see.  I say what I think and off they go and I have done my job.  I love them and show them the truth.

My granddaughter asked me why I was so mean to her.  I said.  You do not listen to your parents or have any respect for them evidenced by the way you ignore their wishes and the way you constantly do things that are not good for you. You think you are being smarter than them but really all you are doing is turning into a mean spirited, manipulative bitch.  These characterstics will give you years of misery, loneliness and heartache.  I do not trust you as far as I can fling you so I have to watch you all the time.  I try to give you guidance  (she is really no longer listening so I have to finish quick) and some structure, that may save you some pain in the future.

She is eight going on thirteen. 

I remember one of my kids (high school) did something stupid and they were at the house and it was about two o'clock in the morning.  They were upset and I got out of bed and went and sat with them on the couch.  This child wanted to know why trouble seemed to follow every action.  "Because you are a dumb ass".  Now I had her attention.  I said, "Look, your mom and I love you and are here to help you but if you insist on getting involved in things you know nothing about and with people you know nothing about, you are going to need some help.  Despite what you learned in that pit of hell we called the Jr. High, we are not here to keep you from having fun.  It is obvious we cannot keep you from doing anything so if you would like to discuss some things before you do them, we may be able to avert some bad consequences".I know she remembers the conversation and that is about all I can do.

Now before you start thinking I am some kind of super dad I must let you in on a secret.  I have not freaking idea what I am doing.  I have made way more mistakes than good choices concerning the children.  I think good moves have more power so maybe I am not too far behind.  My new method is called "Whatever".  That was a popular phrase for teenagers about ten years ago.  They wanted us to believe "whatever" but now I mean "Whatever".  My son says "Da, can you get me some milk?"  I say, "whatever".  I may or may not get him some milk but usually in a few minutes I hear him ask his mom, "Mom, can you get me some milk?"  The point is, last time I checked he had both arms, legs and hands and none of them were incapacitated so he can get his own damn milk.  At night I say to him, "Ten more minutes then the TV is off, OK?".  He looks at me with his bad eye and says, "Ten minutes".  I say "Whatever".  See, it works for all occasions.

I do not have much tolerance left for cranky, rude children.  That is because I am cranky and rude and they are stealing from my game.

The Constitution: Final Thoughts

This is the last episode of the Constitution articles.  I found myself dreaming about the writers and what a huge exciting deal they were involved in.  I was involved in the Shuttle Science program in the beginning and looking back it was very busy and exciting.  Here are some observations about the Constitution. 

The State of Florida never seems to ratify Constitutional amendments.  Out of the 27 amendments, Florida only ratified nineteen of them.  The ratification process only requires a 3/4 majority for passage so I guess by the time it gets to Florida's turn to vote, the amendment has a majority so they just blow it off.  Still, lets finish the damn ratification process guys.  I think States should be called out when they do not ratify.  How can we expect anyone to participate if the State Legislature does not.

Most amendments are simple and quickly ratified except the one's concerning congress's rights.  Most amendments are initiated by the voice of the people.  The issues are usually singular and straight forward.  Sometimes they are too simple and need a big fat "DUH" sticker placed on the top of the document.  Most amendments take about a year to proceed from "proposed" to "Ratification".

I may never vote again and Rhode Island is still an odd name for a state. 


The Bill of Rights were the first set of amendments and these issues were all "leftover" items that were not dealt with in the original Constitution.  The Founding Fathers knew they had to get a completed and signed Constitution for the country so they agreed to differ some issues to the Bill of Rights.  The Reconstruction amendments were the second set of amendments and those were used to settle some issues resulting from the Civil War and the emancipation of the negros. 
The remaining six or seven amendments were not worth going to war over type issues, but almost.  Lawyers started to realize they could make some money slamming the Supreme Court and by challenging policies that took 200 years to create.  Most of these remainder originated as legal challenges. 

The third set coming in a few years,will be trying to keep congress funded while the country is in anarchy.  I predict that congress will repeal the third(quartering), the fourth (search and seizure)and the eleventh (immunity shit) amendments so the congress persons can do whatever they want, anywhere they want and not have to pay for it because there will be no money in the treasury.  Congressman will be living in our houses while they are touring the country.

The two amendments that took the most time to ratify were dealing with restrictions to power for the congress. The 22nd (three years) deals with presidential  term limits and the 27th (200 years)  tackles a simple congressional pay issue.   NO SHIT.  Lets ask Russia and Venezuela how that no term limit thing is working.  If you want to take a slippery step backwards in human rights, do not limit the power of the politicians.  There are limits for a good reason.  I have a lawn mower that had a note on the oil cap, "Do not Overfill" like too much lubrication is a bad thing.  Spare the rod and spoil the child.  Too little control over horny, spoiled, smarmy, self-centered, legal minded, hoser political persons would be like sparing the rod or not using enough lubricant.  Trouble is the only thing that will take root on parched land.  Did you ever notice the shit that grows in your yard after a drought kills everything!

The rest of the Constitution is the nuts and bolts of how to run a government. I tried to read it all but I just could not get through it.  It is a cool document and my admiration goes to the founders of this document and country and my respect is higher than ever.  I am completely dishearten at this point by our state of affairs and I probably will not vote not because there are not issues but because there is no longer a point to support a system that does not work and is not fixable. 

Job was asked what he learned from all the misfortune he was subjected to and I think he said, "Never scratch a festering wound".  Exactly.  Just leave it alone.

It remains the same

I am listening to a NASA announcement about the new direction.  Boeing is there, Space Florida is there, partners are there.  Space Florida is a group of cronies composed of old retired NASA and retired contractors.  The exact people that let Skylab fall, Apollo end and the Space Shuttle program die.  They will kill the Space Station because there is no money in it for them. NO real money. 

I have been watching all the layoffs out here and you cannot find anyone with a salary of $100,000 or more being let go.  Many of these managers have changed seats and business cards but no real changes are occurring.  There is very little new blood or new ideas taking hold in this country.  All of the new jobs being created will give people jobs making 1/3 to a half as much as they were making previously.  The new buzz words are no longer "work  better and smarter", they are "work for less and be glad because we can find someone else to do it". 

I wonder if Purdue Chicken  will be able to replace the slave labor that the immigration laws are running off?  Will the service sector tax base be able to support the next bailout of the rich?

The clarity of the situation is too bright for my eyes.

Hair Dye

Well, I did it again.  The hair dye thing.  The advertising says "Covers just the grey for a natural look".  Porcupine Road Apples!  It is not blond, It may have covered only the grey.  Unfortunately for me it is black.  I know whenever someone uses the world suppleness, if that is even a word, they are jamming something toward my butt. 

So I have a black beard, mustache, eye brows and just a touch of black where the grey used to be.  Good thing it is HOLLOWEENIE.  I will not need a costume.  I can walk around as a color blind moron with dark eyes mumbling  and drooling,"blond, it was supposed to be blond." 

I could have shaved the entire mess off, and I still may.  I have never been very good with the vanity thing.  I was thinking I should try to look a little better,  feel younger  and be thinner.  Strike one, two and three in five easy minutes.  I should have taken a fast ball to the goiter.  My thyroid has been acting up anyway. 

So, I am at work trying to look lighter shade of pale.  I had the light off but Joe said my teeth were glowing and just drawing attention to my sad self.  I hate Mondays and the holiday season. 

Friday Science: The Human Biom project part II

Most important.


To my surprise, I opened this post to complete the final editing before publishing to the blog and I had not written it yet.  I thought this Friday post would be simple and quick.  The mind is a terrier thing to waste.  The link above may not even work anymore. 

The Human Biom project is a loosely organized group of researchers trying to map out the microbial populations of the human body.  I wrote about this a few months ago.  I am so excited about the remarkable developments in medicine and personal health that will come from this research.  There have been several turning points in human development over the last ten thousand year.  There was the Clovis Point (that is not a surfing movie) giving the hunter gatherer a better life.  There was the Wheel which made it easier for a man to take all his crap with him when he got kicked out of the cave for doinking the neanderthal in the next valley.

Cave woman:  You and that ape bitch getting smelly in my cave, Oh no you Pteradon brained monkey f*^&ker.   Get out and roll your shite with you.

Cave man:  "Oh yeh", and what about you and the red faced Simian I saw you with at the weekly kill?

Cave woman:  Go gnaw on a rock.  His name is Mulk and he makes noises on old logs.  He is sensitive and receptive to my needs.

Cave man:  Sensitive?  And I know, he is only receptive during a rut.

The Plague was very instructional in garbage and pest management.  Benjamin Franklin referred to this pestilence when he developed the first garbage collection company.   The Biom project will be one of those markers in human existence. 

Read the article, it is worth it, I promise.

sleeping in the park

I left work early and went to the book store to get a book and look at butts.  I purchased a book but did not see any butts worth a damn.  I then proceeded to purchase a key lime pie milk shake.  I have lactose issues so I was not sure what the rest of the hookie day would be like.  I stopped at a nice secluded park to sit in the shade and relax. 

This park has a drive through parking area covered with oak trees and a view of the river.  A cool breeze always wanders through like the so many homeless people.  There are already two vehicle at the park and it is 2:30 pm.  One man is standing in the Sunshine with his arm around a well dressed woman.  They remain close and talk quietly.  Another lady drives up in a Volvo followed by a convertible Mercedes.  The attractive woman gets out and walks around to the passenger side of the Mercedes and takes a seat.  The standing couple are still very close, the man still has his arm around the lady.  We now have two couples in a kids park at 2:30 in the afternoon.  A school bus passes the park heading toward the school.

I ease the seat back and get comfortable.  These quite obviously not married couples are stealing time away from work.  I look around to see if there is a camera from "Cheater" watching them.  It seems obvious to me that the men and at least one of the ladies are currently married.  It just seems that way.  I wonder how honest these relationships are and who will get hurt.  Are there kids?  This may be exciting to the cheating couples but not to me and I dozed off.

I woke up with mosquitoes buzzing in my perfectly round ear holes because at night, I sleep with foam ear plugs and they keep my auditory canals nice and symmetrical.  My arm which I had propped under my head on while leaning on the window was completely asleep and vibrating with a combination of dullness and pain.  As the focus returned to my eyes, I could see a squirrel on the hood of my car with a look of wonder as the sunshine filtered throughout the park.

Reality was back and it was time to leave.  I needed to get to the bank and Wally World.  Ice tea would have made the park visit way, way better.  Maybe next time and there will be a next time.

thousand oaks

"No law, varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives, shall take effect, until an election of Representatives shall have intervened"

This amendment was first proposed during the Second Continental Congress in the year of our Lord 1789.  It passed ratification in 1992.  I thought that our political system's stupidity and greed was a fairly new deal.  Obviously, congressmen of yesteryear want to have control over raises also.   North Carolina and Kentucky ratified it twice.   I guess they did not have anything else to do during the second century after thinking about it for a century. 

Did the States have it on the agenda at each meeting of the legislature. 

Speaker of the House:  Mr. representative from the Once Great state of Tennessee, how do you vote this time around?

Tenn. Representative:  Tennessee wants to think about it for another decade if you do not mind.  With the football team sucking and the lack of funding for research from the Feds, shit, we just cannot think about moral issues currently.

Did they just forget about it and once a decade the State Librarian would bring it up as "really old business"?  Were there big debates about this amendment?  This amendment must have pissed off the politicians because every since we put "some" restrictions on them, they went pig-shit crazy with graft, corruption, greed and lust only to completely destroy a great and powerful country. 

This was the last amendment to be ratified in our history and the first one to be proposed in our great experiment.  I do not think there be any more "real" amendments because the institution is failing and any changes will be band-aid solutions and really just make it worse.  I believe in the Barney Fife style of management.  Just a few simple rules.  Alcoholic Anonymous uses "KISS", Keep it simple stupid and KISS used AA. 

I am disgusted by the entire mess.  Bye.

thousand oaks

Thousand Oaks, California only has about three hundred oak trees left standing.  There is a place Called Three Meadows and maybe there was a meadow in that area once but now it is just a bunch or goofy looking houses surrounded by houses.  At best it was a swamp and there is no way you can confuse a meadow with a swamp.  Apparently, these types of names of places are called Toponyms.  There are stupid toponyms, bawdy toponyms and just plain descriptive toponyms. 

What if it was a law that toponyms had to be truly descriptive of the area.  There would be developments called Big Dork Estates where everyone  looked like Beaker from the Muppets.  Three Meadows would still have to have three meadows.  Whore House Meadows, Colorado would still have houses.  French Lick, Indiana would still have salt licks for the animals and by God and Country the animals would still be licking them.  It would be a law.   Idiot Swamp would still be the name of the Washington DC area and they would not have to change a single building.

Thousand Oaks, California figured out that they were getting short of oak trees and they passed a law saying that if a developer wants to cut down an oak tree, five other oaks must be planted  and place a bond (money) with the city to insure the trees live to be grown up trees.  I wonder if they had to replace the squirrels and the starlings. 

I saw a sign saying  "You are now leaving Last Chance Metro".  Last chance for what?  Maybe I should have stopped in the town to see what all the commotion is about.  I mean, if it is my last chance, should I not know for what?  I noticed the town had a biker bar, a fancy McDonalds with slides and those plague perpetuation ball pits and a Pizza Factory with the letter "C" burned out.  It was pretty much a one hooker town and she would also have to have a daytime job.

I hear Thousand Oaks has real civic spirit and the Toponym is safe for now.  There is probably a Black Oak Blight that will kill them all off.