Job Interview

Recently I went to a job interview for an advancement with my company.  The state of hiring a person has mashed into some odd kind of dog and pony dance complete with organ grinder and Mr. Stinky Monkey. 

I will give you some of the questions and answers and what I wanted to say.   I can not even remember most of it.  First, I feel like I am drunk when I do job interviews, police questionings or even dangerous things like "Do you like the white heels or the brown flats with the flowery dress?"  As the interview was starting I kept thinking, concentrate, listen to the question and answer it.  I then realized he is asking the question already and I missed the first part.    I was thinking about how dumb this process is and how I am never going to answer this question effectively, not to mention correctly.  I am completely qualified for this position.  I doubt if there is another person in the continental US that is better qualified and prepared for this position.  Really.

The interviewers are part of a three man tag team keeping notes and looking for weaknesses.
Interviewer 1:  (with the extremely large forehead)  In you experiences with customer support, give an example of  an issue that arose, how you resolved it and what YOU did to insure they would never happen again.

What I was thinking and almost said:  Once, while at Band Camp....., stay on track buddy!  Well there was this moron with a PhD from Dickhead University who thought I did not know what I was doing so I said, "If you think you are going to get your supplies early now, you are at least a pi times the square root of zilch more likely to wake up with a blowup doll than to get any support from me. You said you wanted in on the the third of June and on that sleepy dusty delta day you will have it, and not before."

My Answered:   Hmmm, let me think about this a minute,  (complete silence for fifteen to twenty seconds.  I notice another interviewer smiling and looking at my "crouch" area)  OK, An investigator expressed concern that his requirements and science were not being properly addressed.  I brought his concerns up to my superiors along with all the documentation I had on the experiment.  With my coworkers help, I assured the Professor that his science was our top priority and there was already a status meeting planned to address his and other investigators concerns.  From that issue we created an entirely new way of handling requirements that is still in use today.

I felt pretty good about that answer.  Ok, I got the job.  Then the moderator with the smile said, Is there a followup question to the answer. 

Interviewer 2:  (With the Slim Whitman mustache)  How does this illustrate you ability to circumvent standard procedures and utilize the existing Tiger Team Directive?

What I was thinking:  Blow Me, I have no real idea of what the Tiger Team Directive is but I watched Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler milk a Hippo once. 

My Answer:  We did not have a TTD process at that time.  We did not even have email or FEDEX.  We just got the job done asking for help and throwing around the N word.  NASA. 


Actually, I think that was my answer for all the questions.  NASA  I could not get that forehead out of my mind.  I was not breathing correctly and my kneecaps were cold.  I am sure my blood pressure dropped to 13/1mg Hg. I either aced it or I am fired from my current job for scaring the interviewers.  It is like when I would get called to the principle's office when I was a kid.  I was either suspended from school or picked to help the principle's ninety seven year old grandmother walk up to the stage to give out a humanitarian award to a one legged indian from Topeka for building a Tepee out of matchsticks.  How did I know the matches were real and that they were strike anywhere matches.  Besides, the podium never should have been built of wood and wrapped in paper in the first place.

I cannot imagine that I tanked the interview completely and I will most likely get the promoted position.  The Organ grinder keeps playing and Mr. Stinky Monkey keeps time with a spoon.  Government work is good if you can get it.