Continuing saga of Fingerblister's employment

I received an email congratulating me and extending an offer for employment of the position with which I am currently working but through a temporary employment service.  Little Brother Inc. is trying to make it a full time corporate position.  Now, Little Brother Inc. is most likely not trying to trash can me because all they have to do is tell the temp. agency to give me the Big Bone and I would be gone.  They have not done that. In fact, they really want me to have the position but the dog and pony show must go on.   Following is the response to their offer.  (Keep in mind, I am going to accept it regardless of how they answer my letter)

Miss Clapsaddle,

I have several questions that I need answers or explanations to before accepting this position.  

I previously worked for Little Brother Inc. at the Center for Train Riding Excellence from Feb-1980 until sometime in 1984.  I need this to show as years of active services with Little Brother Inc. and how does that process work.

In the Little Brother Inc. Ethics Policy it states:

I understand Little Brother Inc.'s commitment to conduct its business fairly, impartially, in an ethical and proper manner, and in full compliance with all laws and regulations, and that the highest standards of ethical business conduct are required of Little Brother Inc. employees in the conduct of their company responsibilities. 

Also, I would like some explanation of why you are extending an offer at the low end of the classification pay scale when I have more than twenty years (30 years total) of direct experience in this field, more than half of those years as a Lead or Senior Analyst.  I realize that a person may not get the salary that he wants.

My resume has demonstrated the highest qualifications for this position and an explanation that will demonstrate the highest standards of ethical business conduct (that I am currently held to as a partner and will be held to as a Little Brother Inc. employee) is required.

Thank you,

And so it goes.    

Where to go from here

I am at the end of my rope, this is the end of the line, my back is against the wall, I am up the creek without a paddle.  Increasingly the bats are loose in the belfry, I have just one oar in the water(I could only find one of the paddles), my elevator does not go to the top floor very often, the butter has slipped off the corn and my cabbage has gone over the hedge.

Finding myself on this particular rolling Sine wave of the X and Y axis, I just do not give much Llama spit about anything.  I can lose it all, scrape the bottom, guild the lily, screw the pooch and receive a smacking from a mackerel. I will rise to the next occasion, climb out of the grave, be among the counted, again, get up off the canvas and most likely produce the same old sins in the newest ways all over again and I just do not care one iota.

Just for a reference, I looked up Iota and I still do not know what it means.  I am not sure I am using the word correctly or even if the word I wanted was a real word anyway.  Big Flippin Woop.  I Could care less, be concerned in the least, cast dust in the wind, throw mama from the train, get DeVeto confused with DeNiro or pee in the wind for that matter.  Slap me silly, kick my ass, rattle my chain, toot my whistle and I may come close to being back among the living.  Maybe not.

Where do I go from here, which way is up, a dirt nap, a last dance, a final ring around the Rosy, who cares.  I do not.

A unflattering description of congress personage

Most elected officials start out as this seemingly honorable bastion of hope only to soon regress into a teen aged mutant whore mongering Fascist.
They are:

Lost, Flatulent, Loony, Criminal, Delusional
Licentious, Dishonorable, Stupid
Moronic, Corrupt, Ambiguous, Wanting, Lustful

In some other words

morally reprehenisble -  definition is from the root prehensile meening to grasp.  Like an intern's breast or butt.

and utterly infantile  -  utterly meaning from the word Udder or boobie, litterally  baby like boobies, Useless as tits on a boar hog.


Everyone, regardless of political gender and regardless of moral character, analyze your trusted elected officials and tell me I am wrong.  Most if not all of our representatives should be in jail and beaten regularly.  We could then let them out and say, "Do not make me beat you again or you will regret it".

Friday Science: research

This is my opinion!  Science is about facts and it is about discovery.

Well the fact is I have nothing coherent or even vaguely interesting to say about science today and the discovery is that I am not prepared.  I started a few articles about science but I lucked out last week with the nuclear disaster.  I usually write four or five articles on the week's end and write about one or two during the week.  With editing and deletions I can put out five reasonable posts a week.  I am not sure what happened these last seven days.  I do not remember doing much else that would keep me from my goals.  Unless it is my pet named Slothfulness or maybe it all these friendly flowers around the house always looking at my private parts. 

Job Interview

Recently I went to a job interview for an advancement with my company.  The state of hiring a person has mashed into some odd kind of dog and pony dance complete with organ grinder and Mr. Stinky Monkey. 

I will give you some of the questions and answers and what I wanted to say.   I can not even remember most of it.  First, I feel like I am drunk when I do job interviews, police questionings or even dangerous things like "Do you like the white heels or the brown flats with the flowery dress?"  As the interview was starting I kept thinking, concentrate, listen to the question and answer it.  I then realized he is asking the question already and I missed the first part.    I was thinking about how dumb this process is and how I am never going to answer this question effectively, not to mention correctly.  I am completely qualified for this position.  I doubt if there is another person in the continental US that is better qualified and prepared for this position.  Really.

The interviewers are part of a three man tag team keeping notes and looking for weaknesses.
Interviewer 1:  (with the extremely large forehead)  In you experiences with customer support, give an example of  an issue that arose, how you resolved it and what YOU did to insure they would never happen again.

What I was thinking and almost said:  Once, while at Band Camp....., stay on track buddy!  Well there was this moron with a PhD from Dickhead University who thought I did not know what I was doing so I said, "If you think you are going to get your supplies early now, you are at least a pi times the square root of zilch more likely to wake up with a blowup doll than to get any support from me. You said you wanted in on the the third of June and on that sleepy dusty delta day you will have it, and not before."

My Answered:   Hmmm, let me think about this a minute,  (complete silence for fifteen to twenty seconds.  I notice another interviewer smiling and looking at my "crouch" area)  OK, An investigator expressed concern that his requirements and science were not being properly addressed.  I brought his concerns up to my superiors along with all the documentation I had on the experiment.  With my coworkers help, I assured the Professor that his science was our top priority and there was already a status meeting planned to address his and other investigators concerns.  From that issue we created an entirely new way of handling requirements that is still in use today.

I felt pretty good about that answer.  Ok, I got the job.  Then the moderator with the smile said, Is there a followup question to the answer. 

Interviewer 2:  (With the Slim Whitman mustache)  How does this illustrate you ability to circumvent standard procedures and utilize the existing Tiger Team Directive?

What I was thinking:  Blow Me, I have no real idea of what the Tiger Team Directive is but I watched Marlin Perkins and Jim Fowler milk a Hippo once. 

My Answer:  We did not have a TTD process at that time.  We did not even have email or FEDEX.  We just got the job done asking for help and throwing around the N word.  NASA. 


Actually, I think that was my answer for all the questions.  NASA  I could not get that forehead out of my mind.  I was not breathing correctly and my kneecaps were cold.  I am sure my blood pressure dropped to 13/1mg Hg. I either aced it or I am fired from my current job for scaring the interviewers.  It is like when I would get called to the principle's office when I was a kid.  I was either suspended from school or picked to help the principle's ninety seven year old grandmother walk up to the stage to give out a humanitarian award to a one legged indian from Topeka for building a Tepee out of matchsticks.  How did I know the matches were real and that they were strike anywhere matches.  Besides, the podium never should have been built of wood and wrapped in paper in the first place.

I cannot imagine that I tanked the interview completely and I will most likely get the promoted position.  The Organ grinder keeps playing and Mr. Stinky Monkey keeps time with a spoon.  Government work is good if you can get it.

Horse Talk

One of the horses that live on our property continuously finds ways to get out of the pasture and go visit an old mare about half a mile away.  We do not know exactly how he gets out.  I decided to talk with him about it.

Maynard is a five year old dark brown horse with a white foot on one leg.  His mother and father were both white horses  I am pretty sure the other horses laugh and doubt the authenticity of his lineage.  Maynard  thinks his mama must have sown some wild oats and he is shamed.

Me:  Mayno, why do we keep having to go down the street and bring your hay burning shit factory carcass back home.  You used to just come home and be waiting in the front yard in the morning.
Mayno:  That old gray mare.  She talks sweet to me and I lose track of time.
Me:  Time, Can you tell time?  What time is it?  I am pointing to the clock on the feed room door.
Mayno:  Time for carrots?
Me:  Look, I have fixed all the holes in the fence, how did you get out last night?
Mayno:  Jumped
Me:  Liar, your daddy was a jumper but I have never seen your lazy ass jump.
Mayno:  I am hurt.
Me:  That ole gray mare ain't what she used to be you know.
Mayno:  Where?
Me:  (with a smile on my face and turned sideways)  What a dumb animal.
Mayno:  Yes I want some carrots.
Me:  Why are you limping?
Mayno:  You are not going to tell Miss Lisa are you.
Me:  She brought you back from the mare, remember!
Mayno:  Did she give me an apple?  I do not want to run around the pen.  It smells funny.
Me:  Away with you!

I never feel better after these talks.  I cry often and want to run away.

conversation with an genuinely ignorant person

I was walking to the bank the other day.  It is about a mile from my office and I walk there for exercise.  I see a man standing there talking to his truck.  I decide to get a little closer to see what he was saying and to listen to see if the truck answers him back.  He notices me looking at him and he asked me:

Ignoramus:  Can I help you?
Me:  I was just wondering if everything is ok. I mean, you are talking quite loudly to your truck there.
Iggy:  This is not my truck, I would not own this piece of shit mold of a truck if you paid me.  It is made in China.
Me:  Well, it is a Toyota but probably the thing was assembled in Tennessee.
Iggy:  I think it is owned by an A-rab. There are lots of them in Tennessee.
Me:  I had not heard that.
Iggy:  Yeh, they go to places like New York and Tennessee to hide out in the dry mosky areas.
Me:  Dry areas of Tennessee, you mean like over by Dalton?
Iggy:  Yep, they make Persian rugs there with secret messages about Muhammad.  I was looking at this truck to see if there was a bomb under it.
Me:  Under it? What for?
Iggy:  Well like, to drive into that crowd of teenagers over there and blow them all up. Create terror.
Me:  It must be working, I am terrified as we speak.  But teenagers? Most people would be glad if there were no more hormone driven mindless teenagers hangin out on the street corner.  So that plan may backfire.
Iggy:  Well, they are not very bright!
Me:  The teenagers or the terrorists?
Iggy:  Don't you see the plan, first they start with using our trucks...
Me:  Like the Dodge Ram that is assembled in Mexico.
Iggy:  Yeh exactly and then they kill our children, then they install a communist government.
Me:  Don't you mean a fascist government, most people confuse the two, and then they kill Jesus again?
Iggy:  Yep, Well, them Jews should have stopped them from killing him the first time.  You know, he will keep coming back.
Me:  Jesus?
Iggy: Yup, they can't keep that dude down.
Me:  God bless you young man.

Iggy gives me the thumbs up.

Me:  Well, as long as everything is ok, I gotta get to the bank.  Walking away quickly in a serpentine montion.
Ignoramus:  Yep, Ok, nice talkin to ya.

Ignoramus returned to looking at the truck, gave it a three finger salute and walked on mumbling.

Quest for Order

Wanting "order" is a new tick to me.  I am no longer satisfied with chaos and its wimpy cousin, unorderly.  Though what is and what is not orderly is up for a corn hole of a debate.  If I have piles of junk they must be orderly piles of junk.  The magazines must exhibit some kind or order as they cover the coffee table.  An unattended coffee cup and associated coffee cup ring left on the table causes sphincter contractions.  With a coaster nowhere to be found and a "ring" on the table, I would be more comfortable with the cup in the sink and a toweling of the table.  It is not the cup but the ring that most likely does not artistically accentuate the cup or the table.

I saw a knot in a power cord and I sent out a request to my wife by saying "I hope you do not leave that there all day".  She said, What, oh that knot?   If you could not tell, I have a thing for knots.  In some circles I am known as the Knot Wizard.  Mostly circles inside my brain.  I can untie any knot regardless of the complexity. Extension cords, please,  at least challenge me.  Fine Jewelry  is child's play.  I cannot walk by a vacuum cleaner cord that is all knotted up.  How can people live like that.  They are creating all manners of magnetic fields in the living room. What if the cat gets caught in that magnetic field and give rise to catdog kippies. 

There was a time I call BO, "Before Order" that I did not even recognize that there was order in fractals.  The BO period was full of messes and piles.  It was a time of frivolity and gaiety.  Long-haired leaping gnomes and all that.  I could walk contently past a pile of tangled up cable.  BO ended abruptly one cool, crisp spring morning.  I woke on the wrong side of the septic tank and my wife had left every single cabinet door and several drawers in the kitchen open while she was chasing the horses down the street because she left the stall gates open.  The back door to the house was wide open also and Catdog was being chased by the neighbor's pit bull.  At that instant, I felt that a fundamental, quantum shift was about to occur.  I was hoping for the power of Invisibility but I got "order".  It was a large gonadal disappointment but you take the blessings you can get.

Order keeps me sane yet pushes me closer to the cliffs of Insanity.  I am ok with that because the insane know the insane and they just do not give any hoot and there is some kind of order in that.

Friday Science: Nuclear Power Plant

Basically, a bunch of radioactive stuff getting close to some other radioactive stuff causes heat.  This heat creates steam that drives a steam generator.  If it gets too hot too fast it can explode and then you have a nuclear bomb which unfortunately Japan suffered through at the hands of the US in WWII.  The worst case reaction is a nuclear bomb.  I am not sure how likely that scenario is. 
Currently the problem is the pumps that circulate cooling fluid through the reactors core (usually not water but some lava like stuff) are not working.   Ironically, they do not have any electricity to run them.   Go figure.   Also, the water that cools the cooling fluid is not circulating also.  I am sure they have gasoline generators or something trying to generated electricity to run the pumps.  Things are getting really really hot, like, 1500 degrees Fahrenheit (800 C)or more.  Iron melts at about that temperature.  They are trying to keep things cool by pumping and dumping water directly on the core containment building so it does not melt and release a huge amount of serious radiation into all of northern Japan. 

The explosions you may have heard about are caused by the water they are dumping on the power plant. The seawater is getting super heated and causing it to separate into its elements, hydrogen and oxygen gases mostly.  Well,  that is one of the types of fuel they use on the Space Shuttle engines.  So with all that heat and hydrogen and oxygen, you have explosions. 

A Melt down is mostly everything getting way too hot (10,000). The containment building, the concrete floor (thirty feet thick) and even the ground surrounding the core will melt, fall apart, blow up, and all of it will become radioactive and escape (radiation) as a gas into the atmosphere.  That is what happened in Russia, Chernobyl.  If they have a melt down, half of a million upper, middle and lower class people will have to move, PERMANENTLY. 

For more information, check out The China Syndrome.  It was also a pretty good movie.

I am praying for the people in harms way on this and wisdom for the people trying to solve the problem.

Player's dictionary

hammerknocker  -- This is a general term referring to a female vagina or a female's ability to have sex.  She has a great hammerknocker or She is a fine hammerknocker.

monkey  -- something you throw, I guess.  She threw that monkey on me and I was done in a flash.

high cotton --  A light and fluffy vaginal area.   A great relationship for the player.

hammer  --  penis, size my vary with the quantity of alcohol consumed.

Don't be like that!  --  What the Player says when he can not come over and catch a monkey and she is upset with his married relationship.  This is the beginning of the end of the relationship as far as the player sees it.  She will cause trouble at home if she does not calm down.  Players are quite sure women are crazy.   Mostly because they are interested in players.

When I am at home!  -- The answer the player gives when the playee asks if he is married.  Ladies can take just about anything except liars.

sumpum --  obviously a weak descriptive noun.  It must be small or weak because he usually asks for two of them.   I need/can I have/can you give me a little sumpum-sumpum.

Players that get into a relationship that has gone too far has to extricate himself quickly and painlessly, for himself mostly.

Well, I gave you mine! -- What the player says when he stops seeing his hammerknocker or will not leave his wife for her when she says "And after I gave you my stuff (her monkey, high cotton, sumpum).
 Players are charming and confident.  This line will confuse the victim and he will have changed his cell phone number before she comes to her senses.

Players also have a habit of talking with their chin.  Kinda jutting it out and pointing with it.  It is a non-verbal form of a line.

Line --  Probably the first thing a potential hammerknocker hears.  It is about seventy percent truth but it is quickly followed by a fake name and a string of lies closely resembling Yak gak.  Example: " Damn girl your hair smells nice.  My name is Sergei and my dad was a leader in the resistance in Kosovo.   My mom and I crawled out of Bonia disguised as bags of UN stone ground wheat flakes.  These scars are from the water torture.  They tried to make Farina out of us.   Now mom and I are in hiding from death squads and live in a trailer."

Things I love

ice tea, on a hot day under a shade tree with a cool breeze
wasabi, It does not start in my toes but it does crinkle my nose
ant bites,  well at first I hate them
I do not love sleep but I need lots of it so you may think I do
 fine art
wax
Styrofoam/the stiff stuff
I must have quiet
the color yellow
butts
Rock
I love The Sound of Music, "Climb every mountain......"
Brownies
Daisies, they are so friendly
Love is not a big enough word
I do not love being lonely, yet it is better than the alternative
God
the way my mouth moves when I spell MISSISSIPPI
I love to leap before I look
Champagne

How to tell If Your Children are hiding something

Kids  are always hiding something, what are they hiding is the question.
1.     Five years old and younger
       You can tell they are hiding something because they still have cookie/cake crumbs on their mouth.
       They are also hiding their  hands.  They do not know they are rookies at this stuff and their older sister tried this same technique last  year.
2.    Around ten years old
       If they run away from home and stay down the street for  at least two hours, they are hiding something.
       If their eyes get bigger when you talk about the teachers at their school, they are hiding something.
       If they get home from school even a few minutes earlier than normal, they are hiding something.
3.    Around seventeen years old
        They are hiding something, PERIOD.   They are lying also and swearing every which way they are not.  It is semantics.  (with mouth open, eyes rolling, hands on hips) "No, I did not go out with Bobby last night ringing doorbells"  If all three of these things are not true at the exact same instant, this is a true statement.  He/She was out with Bobby last night but not ringing door bells.  Still a true statement.  He/she was not out last night.  Bobby was actually in the house having sex or drinking beer with son/ daughter or  both.  Still a true statement.  Bobby and he/she did not ring doorbell because they both never rang them together at the same house.  All true hormone induced psychotic bull shit statements.  The possible truth is he/she was out, maybe with bobby but since they call him Rob now it is not the same thing and are you kidding, ringing doorbells, most likely just hanging out telling lies to each other.

4.   Older than twenty
       Why they are telling me anything I do not know.   (guilt most likely) Even though I do care, I gave up and lost control of them a long time ago.  Now I just want to sleep, eat and die with some peace and quiet.

In a nutshell

This was going to be a blog about moon bases,  boring, what an A-hole, yes with a capital A

I thought a list of things I hate would be nice

I hate wet socks
I hate women, I love women
I hate lithium
I hate spiders, anything that can get within my comfort zone before I can blink is of Satan
I do not like hand lotion but I do not hate it, no, I hate it
I hate the letter V
I hate needles, a spider with a rostrum shaped like a needle, suicide me!
I hate three legged dogs
I do not like clowns, I may hate them
I hate waking up with my shirt around my neck.
I hate finger food that costs a lot and tastes like the bottom of my shoe
I hate the name Clive
I hate cloves
I hate Rubidium
I hate that hitting a golf ball creates more anger than it uses. Negative enthalpy of anger. 
I hate that a duck's penis looks like conch shell eggs
I like eggs but I am not sure about chickens, they remind me of Carl Reiner
I hate Cheetos/Death Rods (puffed grease with fluorescent agent orange added so you can see your arteries clog while in the dark!)
I used to hate olives, green or black, now just mostly do not like them
I hate mint
I hate knots
I hate boy scouts
I hated the Dewey Decimal System because I failed every test I ever took on it, now I love it.

Anna is married

It is final.

Friday Science -- Oil

I just read the best article ever on reasons for getting away from oil.  I cannot find it again.  It was an essay.

Nothing but the facts Jack.  This is a summary, a poor summary of a great article.

Ten years of fighting and trillions of dollars spent in the Middle East to protect our interests in oil

Pollution of our air and with the recent spill, our water close to home.  Not Alaska.  Jay Leno verified that a significant portion of our younger generations do not know what Alaska is or where it is or even why Sarah Palin is there. Wasn't she one of those monty python guys.

The US has more untapped oil reserves than any countries except Russia.  More than Saudi Arabia, more than the North Sea area.  It is a military and economic strategy that everyone else pumps out all their oil first.

We have enough natural gas, nuclear and alcohol producing areas to cut our oil consumption by 75 percent without even touching our oil reserves.  Imagine how long our reserves and power will last if we did not touch reserves.  Forever, correct.

These are facts.

Gun Shop Revisited Part One

                                                                  Gun Shop

Springfield	Good morning, sir.
Mousebender	Good Morning. I was practicing at the Shoot Straight Range just now, skimming through the'Outdoor Life'  Guns and Girls article, when suddenly I came over all jonesy.
Springfield	Jonesy, sir?
Mousebender	Esurient.
Springfield	Eh?
Mousebender	(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all trigger happy, like!
Springfield	Oh, trigger happy.
Mousebender	In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little equalizer will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Outdoor lifeing   activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of  some ordinance provender. (smacks his lips)
Springfield	Come again.
Mousebender	(broad northern accent) I want to buy a gun.
Springfield	Oh, I thought you were complaining about the help!
Mousebender	(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Springfield	Sorry?
Mousebender	I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Mousebender	(normal voice) Now my good man, some guns, please.
Springfield	Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Mousebender	Well, how about a little ALFA LR 22.
Springfield	I'm, afraid we're fresh out of LR 22s, sir.
Mousebender	Oh, never mind. How are you on Defenders?
Springfield	Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it stocked first thing on Monday.
Mousebender	Tish tish. No matter. Well, an AutoMag IV, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Springfield	Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Mousebender	Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, APS Stechkin?
Springfield	Sorry.
Mousebender	TISS?
Springfield	Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Mousebender	Ah. Armitage Pen Gun?
Springfield	Sorry.
Mousebender	Cheetah? M952-S?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Any Nosorog AEK?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	LAR Big Boar?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	LeMat?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Wembley MK IV?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Davis Warner Infallible?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Daisey-Heddon?
Springfield	...No.
Mousebender	Calico M100P?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Any Daewoo DH40?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Gustav, Kel-Tec, Khaybar, Lee-Enfield, Safir, S&S Sidewinder, Coonan A, Benelli, Belgian M1871,   Pardini Sport Pistol, Cugir M series?
Springfield	Ah! We do have some Cugir, sir.
Mousebender	You do! Excellent.
Springfield	It's a bit rusty, sir.
Mousebender	Oh, I like them rusty.
Springfield	Well as a matter of fact it's very rusty, sir.
Mousebender	No matter. No matter. Hand over the Arma favorita din Romania, la Cugir, va multumesc.
Springfield	I think it's rustier than you like it, sir.
Mousebender	(smiling grimly) I don't care how oxidatively rusty it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Springfield	Yes, sir. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Mousebender	What?
Springfield	The dog has buried it.
Mousebender	Has he?
Springfield	She, sir.
Mousebender	Galil?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	ENARM?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Camp-Giro?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Spanish Mauser?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Spitfire .45?
Springfield	No, sir.
Mousebender	You do have some guns, do you?
Springfield	Certainly, sir. It's a gun shop, sir. We've got...
Mousebender	No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Springfield	Fair enough.
Mousebender	Springfield.
Springfield	Yes, sir?
Mousebender	Splendid. Well, I'll have one of them then, please.
Springfield	Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Springfield.
Mousebender	GORDA?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Parker-Hale?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	MAC-10?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	PAPOP 2?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Any Dadick tround?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Chamelot Delvigne?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	VEB Makarov?
Springfield	Not today sir, no.
	(pause)
Mousebender	Well let's keep it simple, how about a Colt?
Springfield	Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
Mousebender	Not call for it? It's the single most popular gun in the world!
Springfield	Not round these parts, sir.
Mousebender	And pray what is the most popular gun round these parts?
Springfield	Uhlinger 32, sir.
Mousebender	I see.
Springfield	Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Mousebender	Is it.
Springfield	Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Mousebender	Is it.
Springfield	Yes sir.
Mousebender	Uhlinger, eh?
Springfield	Right.
Mousebender	OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?
Springfield	I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Mousebender	It's not much of a gun shop really, is it?
Springfield	Finest in the district, sir.
Mousebender	And what leads you to that conclusion?
Springfield	Well, it's so safe.
Mousebender	Well, it's certainly safe from guns.
Springfield	You haven't asked me about a Glock, sir.
Mousebender	Is it worth it?
Springfield	Could be.
Mousebender	OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)
Springfield	(to dancers) Told you so.See actual Cheese Shop Skit
Mousebender	Have you got any Glocks?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in       the first place. Tell me something, do you have any guns at all?
Springfield	Yes, sir.
Mousebender	Now you liberalized skirt wearing homo, I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no'           I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any guns at all?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	(shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.

Album List

Tapestry  - My mouth still drops open every time I hear this album.  It seems to represent ultimate freedom and then I weep.
Machine Head - I could jump off a building or drive off a mountain road while listening to this album.  It takes over my brain and makes my eyes close autonomically.
Second Helping - I thought maybe someone was a reincarnation of Hank Williams. I was singing, dancing and hollering the second time I listened to the album. I felt proud of those guys and gals for some reason. 
Rumors  - This album showed up at a time when the rock music was taking its first death blow.  I remember thinking, Who the hell is Fleetwood Mac and why are they rockin like scrotum kickers.
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road - Classic Rock-  This album showed what I missed with the Beatles who invented theme albums.  My sister must have played this album a thousand times in a row.

The thing about the Beatles was that I did not hear their songs on albums.  I was too young and it was the days of 45s.  I started listening to albums with two particular ones.  The Red and the Blue as I called them.  They were compilations and did not have a theme.   It was not till much later that I listened to and purchased Let it Be, Introducing the Beatles and  Magical mystery Tour.  So, the Beatles do not get an album vote.  I am not sure they fit in a peg hole anyway.

 Disraeli Gears probably should be in there but I could never put it in a category and I still am not sure what the title means.  Sticky Fingers was easy and So was Green River but it was kind of strange rock.  Awesome but strange and minimal. 
The way I like it.

If I had only these nine albums to listen to for the rest of my life, I would not complain nor get bored. It is kinda like spaghetti or Corned Beef Hash and Grits.

Letter to the Senators

Dear hapless, out of touch Rich People,

What were we thinking?  We thought we were selecting people that believed in Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness for All people.  We actually are familiar and feel comfortable with being misled.  For example, we thought the physicians became doctors to help the suffering humanity.  I laugh all the time while I am in the presence of a physician. My favorite phrase with doctors is, "Explain why this is the best course of treatment for my sitchiation".  Another one is, "I noticed you have a young daughter, would you want a fifty year old man giving her this examination/test with that lame diagnosis?"

Senator, here is the thing.   You have no idea how to help us.  Just admit it and get on with it.  Keynesian Economics does not cover fifty years of ignorance, greed and porking  interns. Kinseyian research will apply because we have been corn-holed several different ways and a multitude of times.  We need protection from Big Brother and and his little penis, big business.  I am not afraid of big government because you guys cannot wipe your own ass successfully and do not see any reason to wipe it.  So how can the government actually infringe on the rights of the masses.  The Machine cannot process the paperwork fast enough to actually do any infringing.  A president and dozens of advisers can fly over a flooded city and not even ponder whether help is needed prior to his gun lobby shooting practice.

Some of the best advice I ever got was, "If you do not  know what to do, do nothing".  That goes along with "Measure twice, cut once".  My grandfather used to say, "Always keep a nice hole handy".  He was talking about burying things and people that need burying. He may have been talking about the maid but I do not think so.

Senator(s), get out of office if all you can do is solicit sexual favor and home renovations.  Think about what you are doing.  Think!  Well, No, just go away.  We do not need you anyway.

A Player's Card Part Two

John Daly has a chat with Tiger Woods about his stupidity with the ladies.

A fat guy walks up to the doorman at a six star hotel.

Daly:  John Daly here to see The Tiger.

Doorman:  I am sorry sir, Mr Woods is not seeing anyone currently.

Daly:  What is this (holding up a can of beer and a golf club) my wimpy man, and this?

Doorman:  I would venture to say it was a beer, a cheap one at that and what appears to be a one iron.

Daly:  Do I look like I am going to walk all the way back to my cheap hotel without seeing The Tiger?  Call him,  These days, he will see anyone who can out drive him.

Doorman:  Mr. Woods, A Mr. Daly his here to see you, Yes, he is portly and carrying a beer.  He is also carrying a One Iron.  Yes sir, Not even God can hit a One Iron. Yes sir.

Mr. Daly, Mr. Woods says you can come up but leave the cheap ass beer.

Once upstairs,

Daly:  Tigger, nice to see you man.  That dent on your head looks like an old Five wood I used to have.  Do you have a beer?

Tiger:  John, you fat shit what are you doing here, This is Saturday, I thought you missed the cut and would be selling autographs at Torey Pines by now?

Daly:  My last shot bounced of a centenarian's head and ended up three inches from the cup.  Because the irony hit me peckish, I damn near yanked the putt left.  Made the cut by one stroke.

John had a stern look on his face:

Daly:  Tiger, We need to talk of a serious nature.  The Boys are not happy.  I agree your personal life is your business but this thing with all your bitches calling your house on your ONLY cell phone and and you texting them back,

Tiger:  Yeh, it has taken the wind out of my sails, but not the peck out of my pecker.  It took me half an hour and about two hundred bucks to get this dancer back here to my room.  They are usually waiting downstairs when I get off the court.  I mean course.

Daly:  Well, the Shark and Arnie sent me, they reviewed your case with the Council of Players and I am sorry to bring you this bad news but we are pulling your Player's Card.  The entire case was reviewed by Supreme Player Borg himself and he reduced it to a two year suspension.  He felt you just did not have the correct guidance.  The PALs ( Players at Large) just think you are stupid.

Tiger with his head hanging low, Two years!


Daly:  Two years will go by fast, hell, I tanked my career and made a comeback and tanked it again in two years. Now I am selling golf balls for Wilson for shit sake.

Tiger:  John, I appreciate you coming all the way across the course to tell me this in person.  That means something to me.  Is there a book to help me through this two years suspension.

Daly:  Yep, two books are recommended by The Boys and the Council of Players.  Anything from the Lonesome Dove series and "How to be a Player for Morons" by William Clinton Jr.