Growing Older

Most people think I look younger than I am.  I do not know why exactly.  My hair is graying, my belly is growing and those rungs are forming under my eyes.  People ask, "How old are you?".  Then they say, "I would have guessed early forties."  I check their perspective meter by asking, "Who is funnier, Larry Storch or John Banner?"  If they answer at all they are about the same age as me and I really do not care what they think about my age. 

Now that I am getting fatter, I have fewer wrinkles.  It stretches the skin.  If  I was to keep my hair and face trimmed and colored Moca Blonde, I would look about forty.  I would look fatter but younger.  I actually could not care less about how I look.  Naked is scary beyond all reason so that is not a choice.  Other than that, I just try not to embarrass the kids or the wife.  Age has some bit of leniency for men. Grey hair can show experience like the commercials say but mostly it means lowered testosterone levels or high alcohol consumption. 

I do not have the split level stomach though.  This is the type of stomach that seems to make men wobble like a Weeble.  The stomach starts under the chin and reaches its apex somewhere in the crotch area.  I have to be careful about making light of this kind of thing.  It is sort of like my wife saying "I will NEVER........" because she always eventually does.  I cannot tell you the times I have physically restrained her from finishing that premonition.   If she said, I will never work as a janitor's assistant and sleep with wolverines!  I will start watching Michigan football and make sure she gets her Hepatitis B booster.  Anyway, age seems to add fat in men until they are about sixty years of age.  After sixty, with all the medicine, forgetting to eat and extra walking to find the bathroom, men lose weight. While the body is redirecting hair from the head to the eyebrows, they become thin again.  They can see their penis and toes at the same time although neither of them is of any use by then.

Old age brings pains everywhere, the shakes for no reason and spitting while talking.  Even though my grandpa spit on me while he was talking, I did not know it was from age related autotrophy of the lip muscles.   When I go to the doctor he asks me if I have any pain in my chest or legs.  "Shit yes" I interject before he even finishes the question.  He tries to get more specific about the type and location of the pain.  I tell him, all across here, and it lasted for a day or so.  I think when I was under the lawn mower looking for my allen wrench I pulled something.  It could be when I fell from my grandkinders play house and landed on the pile of bricks. My ass hurts most of the time and I now have only two toe nails that are not ingrown.  If I could see past the front of my car I would drive it into a bridge pole.  As I leave the doctor's office, his nurse says, "You look great for being 53, hang in  there."

My age is irrelevant to me.   I think like I did when at the university.  I can still move pretty well and looking at a nice butt is still as big a thrill as it ever was.  My grandkids want to know how old their dad was when I was a kid.  They are really young.