Vanity Hair Dye

I remember when my Aunt Marge and her girl friend colored their hair and it came out green.  That was one of those times my dad ran up to me before I could say anything and threatened my life with no existence.  "Don't say a word about the hair".   I said "Oh, you mean the green hornet's nest looking thing sitting on her head?" "Dammit boy, this is serious, it will hurt her feelings".  It was the hardest challenge of my young life. 

Based on the commercials on TV and the endless product line in the grocery store, hair coloring is a HUGE business.  Probably almost as big as vanity  itself.   I never really thought of enhancing all the gifts God gave me.  I am a perfect creation.  I was a perfect creation.  I was smart, strong, good looking and had a wild but manageable manhood.  That was thirty five years ago before I destroyed the temple with whining, no women or any ability to sing.  That is actually really funny if you think on it.  I really don't care if you think so or not.  Hair coloring comes in two types basically.  One is just a dye that gets adsorbed to the hair.  It is easy to apply and the vibrant color lasts just a few days. The other type is a chemical reaction much like resin that literally sticks to your hair.  It is a mixture of two chemicals that cook their way into your hair and are most likely not very good for your liver.

I colored it a dark brown.  The instructions stated the longer you leave it on, the darker it gets.  Since I knew the color was too dark anyway I decided to just leave it on a short time.  Less than a minute.  I dabbed a little on the eyebrows which were equally gray for continuity.  I did not forget the sideburns.  I applied it liberally.  I am not a big direction reader but I did read them FIRST.  My first clue I was in trouble was the white foamy stuff was turning purple.  Aunt Marge's hair I thought.  I splashed water on my beard and discovered this shit was not water soluble.  I dove in the shower, grabbed the follicle cleansing shampoo and squirted half of the bottle on my beard which was no longer purple.  It was turning BLACK.  The shampoo halted the thermonuclear reaction.  I had light brown hair, black eye brows, block splotches on the side of my head, black pencil thin, Slim Whitman mustache and a black beard.  Oh my God in Heaven and Earth did I look stupid. 

I took a deep breath and grabbed the cleanser.  We always had some Comet around.  I scrubbed and dulled the black back to a dark brown.  I trimmed everything with the electric hair yankers and shaved.  It looked ok, just really different.  I am new at this vanity thing.  The family was out and about so I decided to go outside and fix the mower.  The mower is almost always broken, that is just the way it is.  I was adjusting to the thought of looking darker when to my horror.  The sun re-ignited the reaction in the resin and it was now BLACK as the Ace of Spades.  My options were, A:  shave off the beard and mustache, cut the sideburns. 2:  Cut my throat   d:  Get the peroxide.   Now I know from when my oldest child tried to change his blue hair back to black, it turned green like my Aunt's hair did.  I was treading in ever murkier water. 

I have adjusted to the thin mustache and the darker eye brows.   The beard looks good.  I can choose a better color next time and this stage of vanity will be complete.