Ear Plugs

While trying to go gently into the night, I have started using those foam ear plugs to help me sleep.  Almost to the day that the first child came home from the hospital, I have not had a very good night's sleep.  I have one ear on the pillow and one ear on my empire listening for a child's cry or a burglar's tippy toe tap on the floor.  Mostly I heard the TV left on or the kids plotting to sneak out.  I hear the animals chewing the Chicken flavored Quarry dog food I bought them.  I can her a mosquito buzzing in the bathroom shower.  Why are they there?  I try to spray them with the shower nozzle but end up smashing them on the glass door.  I can hear the air conditioner start and stop.  A dripping faucet is like a"Tell Tale Heart" throbbing and existing only to irritate me.

My family talks in their sleep.  The kids curse while they sleep.  The dogs run and growl in their sleep.  I wake up listening to my wife talk about making macaroni and cheese.  "Too much cheese will spoil the meal" she will say so I answer "Use beer instead of water".  She responded "you were wrong, those shoes are ugly".  It took me two hours to get back to sleep after that one.  My young daughter was making noises like she was having a bad dream so I tried to wake her up.  I said, "Honey, its dad, you are having a bad dream".  She said in her sweet slumbering face "Shut the hell up".  I now use ear plugs and really do not care if a tornado is coming or someone breaks into the house.  Even while at sleep my family is a formidable foe.  They yell, hit, spit, fart and lie.  I cannot win the battle for the covers so how the hell is a skinny  crackhead going to outwit or out fight that bunch.  My son wakes me up, looks me dead in the eyes and exclaims, "I gotta move!"   I said "Ok, so move".  He takes off like a bat out of hell, makes one trip around the kitchen and jumps in my bed.  His snoring starts instantly.  That kind of thing would scare the beejesus out the the most hopped up drug abuser.

The ear plugs are working great.  I can hear the blood rushing through my carotid artery.  Then it takes a left up to my nose and splashes on the brain with a whooshing sound that is only heard by me.  I can see one drawback, well, more than one.  I think my ear holes are getting wider.  Everything gets bigger except the things I want to get bigger.  Also, with my irregular heartbeat, I wake up humming jazz music.  One good thing is I can ignore the voices because I know they are all just in my head.  The foam plugs are easy to install but with the holes getting bigger, I may lose one in there.  I am going to buy some more.  Now as I sleep, I wear a nose widener so I breath better and ear plugs to hear less.  Great, bigger nostrils, bigger ear holes.  Damn it.