Friday Science: Try This

At many water parks around the country there is a slide, a really high, steep slide that painfully smacks you butt muscles and rips your shirt up around your neck.  I have a tanning lotion (SPF2)that will increase your speed by at least 8 miles per hour.  When you hit the bottom of the slide , the water shoots up your butt hole like a proctologist in a candy store and you will get a colon cleanse, an ass toner and a tummy tuck all at the same time.  People with prosthetic limbs and fake hip joints should not use this lotion and ride down these slides without special harnesses to keep the arms and legs pointing in the correct direction.  Over the next week after being on this ride, you will lose twenty five pounds of body fat similar to liposuction although it will all end up in your feet.  You will look like one giant bruise with elephant feet.  There is a chance that your knee will hit your face knocking your teeth out and giving you a deviate to your septum.  You will no longer be able to have children because only with surgery will you be able to find your scrotum.   The first female that used my lotion on a slide reported it feeling like giving birth because her vagina was pulled up over her head. (Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said, "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.")  They are still looking for the tatoo on her thigh.


The main ingredient in this lotion is fish slime.  Fish tend to slime fairly easily if you rub them.  Go figure!  You take your average alive, two pound Mozambique Red Tilapia and place him in an aquarium.  You will be collecting the slime that forms on their scales. It is some magical stuff that reduces water friction by twenty percent.  Hold the fish facing you and rub your hand or a scraper from front to back.  If you do it the other way you will suffer a pain similar to a fire ant on your eyeball so do not do it or if you do, please film it and post it on YouTube.  You can do this slime collecting about three times a day.  More times than that will make Red all sore and less likely to respond appropriately in the future.  Keep the slime in the fridge in a sealed plastic zip lock.  Later once you have enough you will mix in extra virgin olive oil and a little Crisco, some cheap perfume of you choice and a cinnamon stick.  Warm it all up until the crisco melts and pour it in a squeeze bottle for dispensing.  (This is also a great laxative.  It give a new definition to the phrase, Clean as a whistle)  Try not to spill it on the floor, you will bust your ass for a month every time you go near the spill area.  


I am confident that even the most inadequate slide will twizzle your bippy.