Friday Science: Small garden techniques

This is the perfect apartment garden for two tomato plants, four green bean plants and two green pepper plants.  The bags of composted top soil are water tight and bug free.  They need very little watering.  Give the plants some support on the porch rail and you are done. "Do not open the bags, just a small hole will do.  Water into the hole."

Dreamlife

I have this recurring dream about going to college.  It is usually Kansas State University in Manhattan, Kansas.  The interesting aspects of these dreams  is that I am almost always naked.  Typically, I have not been to class for a while and I have trouble remembering my class schedule or where the classroom is located. In one dream, I found the classroom but these giant stone lions were blocking the door.  While trying to climb over them, I noticed I was naked.  Sometimes it is a high school dream and I am trying to play football again.  I cannot open my locker to get my uniform for the game.  I played part of a game in one dream with just a helmet and shoulder pads, no pants.  The game was almost as boring as this post and my life.

In last night's dream I was heading to class and I decided to cut through the Administration building so maybe I would not be late to class.  Once inside the Admin building, I noticed some guy was fixing a fire truck and it was not the Admin building at all.  It was a repair garage at least several blocks from the school.  I walked out the bay just avoiding an oil spill on the floor. I pick up a full sheet of plywood and decide to head east for campus whilst the wind blew me to and fro.  I come across a couple of ole fools just walking around.  We are joined by the town veterinarian who is trying to save a miniature deer. Back in his office the Dead Parrot sketch is running on the wall while he tries to fix the deer's leg.  I am pretty sure the leg is not fixable.

Now, here is where it gets strange,  I am young, interested in learning and  my nakedness is seemingly not offensive.  I see the old fools just walking down the street, kicking up dust and telling lies.

The Constitution: Third Amendment

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

I guess this was a big deal back in the day. I remember reading the British soldiers would just move into people's houses and stay until all the food was gone and the women were soiled only to pick up and go else where.   In the summer there would be a whole lot of mulatto babies with bad dental work.


Now, this amendment seems kinda out there but it does talk to the rights of the home owner and the behavior of soldiers and agents of the state.  The Patriot Act infringes on the Third Amendment but know one mentioned that or even cares until the IRS moves into your basement because we are at war with Haiti.  If Haliburton and Big Dick Cheney  wants to take over Mussel Shoals, Alafuckingbama  to stop illegal aliens, they can do it as an agent of the government.  Remember, there is a "war" on drugs and poor unfortunates.  And you thought that was just a catch phrase.


That is why the Third Amendment was put there.

Forgetfulness

I was watching a Richard Pryor video the other day and I laughed just as hard as I did the first time I heard it.  I did not remember that I had heard it while I was watching it.  About a day later I realized that I had heard all those jokes before.  Well, most of them.  "Thats ok" I thought.  It just added to the enjoyment of the moment.  I guess that is why old people  tell jokes over and over again.  Even if half way through a story they realize they have told this many times, they just keep plugging along and everyone laughs and the old dude with a diaper is the center of attention for a nice reason.

My kids used to try to fool me by saying, "remember dad, I told you I was going to Kerry's house and I would be home about 2:00 am."  Having not remembered any part of this I would say " I remember you saying something about Kerry being a homo but nothing about 2AM".  "Oh Dad, remember, I said they were having a sleep over and you said I could not stay because I had Saturday School but that I could stay out a little later than normal."

"Saturday school?"

"For being late to class, remember?"

"So let me get this straight, you could not stay at Kerry's house because you had detention for being late to third period and you were late coming home from Kerry's house which you could not stay at because you were late.  Do you see a pattern here?"

"Yeh, you are mean for no reason"

"While we are on the subject, explain to me how you can be eleven minutes late to class when you have been at the school for two hours already.  It is a three room school house, for the Jewish Carpenter's sake."

A tactical change of subject is attempted.  "I was not late from Kerry's house"  I did not fall for his tack because I have not been listening to his bullshit in the first place so I blurted out.  "Have I met Kerry and where does he live?" knowing full well I have not met HER and she probably lives only in his mind.  He was just dickin around and lost track of the time.  I do not need a memory for that one.

He does not remember he tried this same thing about a year ago!

Hairless

I saw an acquaintance for the first time in several months.  I did not recognize him, His brown hair and aboundance of facial hair were all gone.  He was hairless.  He noticed me girl watching outside a Piggy Wiggly while waiting for a "Nirvana" moment.

Giliard:  Hey Ceril, its me Gil, how ya been?

Ceril:   Good I guess, better than you it seems.
Giliard: Whys that?
Ceril:  Well, you appear hairless.  Chemo, cancer?
Giliard: Noooo, razor.
Ceril:  Come again.
Giliard: Buzz, Buzz.  (making shaving hand movements)
Ceril:  You cut off all your hair.  Not everyone can have continuous hair from his eyebrow around past the ear, cover the chin, split for a stache past the other ear and back to the brow all topped with that mop on your head.
Giliard: It was getting kinda out of control I admit.
Ceril:  Yes, looking like a bears butt does tack in and out of fashion.
Giliard: No, I was trimming my unibrow with a straight razor and had an accident.  
Ceril:  Ah, that would explain the scars.
Giliard: I removed most of my left brow and the doctor at the emergency room said it would not grow back once the twenty three stitches were removed.    Sure enough, it did not grow back.  I decided to even it up and shave the other brow off. 
Ceril:  How did that go for ya?
Giliard: Silly, actually!  I tried to balance it by shaving the sideburns, No, It turns out that the hair density is quite varied on the face.  Could not get it even, ya know.  Well, I did not stop until I got to my scrotum. 
Ceril:  Thank you.  I hope you switch to a twin-blade at least?
Giliard: Electric.
Ceril: Even during the energy crisis that is wise.  That will save on gas to the hospital if nothing else.
Giliard: The worst part is, I have to keep shaving it almost daily. If it gets two days of growth, I become bat-twitch crazy.  My Shrink says I am developing a disorder. 
Ceril:  Would seem so.
Giliard: It gets so itchy and prickly that I grab anything I can to scratch it.  About a week ago I grabbed some pruning shears and while trying to scratch my ass, I lopped of a bit of skin. 
Ceril:  Dr.?
Giliard: No, I just limped off to Walgreens for lidocaine and some sterile gauze.  You know that hemorrhoid medicine has the highest level of lidocaine on the market. 
Ceril:  So, Gil, still working at the insurance agency?
Giliard: No, they let me go, they said all the bruising upset the guests and I could not sell insurance for them any more.
Ceril:  Bruising?  Von Willebrand?
Giliard: Yep, with all the yellows and greens and purples; they said I looked like an Easter egg.  I am keeping a fair attitude about it.  Maybe I can sell underwear.
Ceril:  Hey, that's a good one.
Giliard: What?
Ceril:  Never mind. Hey Gil, I gotta go man.  Call me next week and we can get a beer!

Gil limped off and I noticed a blood stain on the back of his shirt!  Leave well enough alone as I always say.

Happy Birthday

It is Anna's birthday today

Jack Nicholson's birthday is today

Lewis Malloney was born in Breakface Falls, Pennsylvania 1n 1842 and he is known for being the first person to jump into the mixing waters of the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans when the Panama Canal was finished (in 1914).  Unfortunately for ole Lewy, it was the year 1913 and  the water was only eleven  inches deep.  He actually landed on the last living Saber toothed Tiger forever sealing his fate.  They both were killed instantly.  His greatest fame came in 1993 when the governing board of the Darwin Awards posthumously awarded him with a Double Darwin Award.  He not only dead ended  his genes from the earth by having no children that lived, but also slammed shut the gene pool on the Saber Toothed Tiger. 

Over achievers need to be careful!

Friday Science: Fractal

http://bookofjoe.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8341c5dea53ef014e60f3f7b3970c-pi

A completely cool and mind blowing link.  Take extreme care! 
One of my first blogs was about the spirograph.

 The Uber-fractal toy for all ages.

I love fractal anything.  I think that all things are fractal.  A lie is a fractal.  Yes, even a penis is a fractal.  A rose by any other name, yep, fractal.

How you say?

What! you ponder?

It is just what I think.  Every since I saw eight million of my reflections in the tri-fold mirrors at J C Penny's I have been hooked on fractal.  Oh wait, No, Damn Skippy, fractal.  (My headaches started when my brother told me the reflection goes on forever)

Any part of a lie is still a lie. 
Can a bunch of penises grouped together make a single penis,  Most definitely, look at congress.
A bunch of roses is a rose bush.  Well, it could be.

Happy Friday

The Constitution - Second Amendment

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

This seems so simple.

We have the right to keep and bear arms. 

Does that mean gun manufacturers can make all the quantities and types of guns they want and distribute them to radical groups foreign and domestic?  Do we not have the right to know they are doing this? 

Does that mean that if I want to know what kind of gun my neighbor has, his rights to keep and bear them will be infringed upon if he is required to tell me?  Because why should I buy an assault rifle with a scope if I can just borrow my neighbors?  Or if we are attacked, would it not be better that he have an assault rifle and I have a grenade launcher to more effectively defend against the evil doers who most assuredly have both.

Does that also mean we do not have the right to know exactly where the gun came from, how the ass-hole got it and when the gun came into the possession of  the lunatic that killed my dad when he stopped for gas at the kwik mart?

I do not want anyone to infringe on my right to keep and bear arms or drive a car or instruct little children with tight shorts on or dump used oil on my plants or never give my dog or myself a bath.  I also do not want my right to be an irresponsible, paranoid butt picking moron infringing on others rights to be infringed upon.  But maybe I should.

The Player: Part IV

Player:  Hey man, let me tell you about this hammerknocker I picked up last night.  She was tall with this big ole ass and strong legs!

Sensible:Was it a she-man?

Player: What? Hell no, she had these fine melons, my hammer jammer was jumpin, she wore me out!

Sensible:  I just read this article in Moron Magazine that said seven percent of women picked up in bars are actually men who had a sex change operation.  The article was written by a male Gynecologist that was married to a man for ten years and did not know it. His wife had the operation when he/she was nineteen years old.  They got married when they were in their early twenties while the doctor guy was in medical residency.  He never knew.

Player:  Ah, shit, I could tell, I checked that monkey if you know what I mean.

Sensible:  I do not and do not tell me.  Did you have a flashlight and your glasses on.  You know you can not see for shit without them on. 

Player:  I can tell, I had a friend who was a transvestite when I was growing up.

Sensible:  Did you sleep with him too?   You know your friend Pookie told you that male is the best tail!

Player:  Na!  Pookie also screwed a chicken while it was stuck in the fence.

Sensible:  Remember that guy who married that North Korean spy lady who was actually a man spying for the North.  He consummated the marriage with her but she never completely undressed.  She would just get him all worked up and well, she/he gave him the ole Gregg I guess.

I saw the Player fumbling with his Player's Card.  He was visibly shaken.

Sensible:  How many women have you picked up in bars in the last ten years.  fifteen, maybe 20?

Player:  Shit no, probly seventy five, maybe one hundred!

Sensible:  Jolly Roger then, statistics say at least four and maybe as many as eight were actually men with wood waiting for that hammer of yours.

Player: (Player was pale green by now)  Hey man, have you ever called this 800 assistance number on the back of your card. 

Sensible:  Oh, you mean 1800PLAYERS, no, I tore my card up years ago.  I hear they have insurance now.  I hope they did not outsource the help line to India. Oh, did that hammerknocker have long fingers, you know about fingers?

Player ran to the bathroom and yelled,

 "Hey, you got any comet, I need to scrub something!"

I love to bring the Player down a notch.  The Boys asked me to keep an eye on him.  He could be a contender, an inspiration.  There are some rough edges that will take some grinding.

Golf Swing

Nice swing

Not much else can be said about this picture.  Golf and baseball share one really important asset.   A nice swing is a "nice swing" and can result in a base hit or a great shot.  It can also be an out or and out-of-bounds.  Sometimes that is all you get in life, a nice swing at it.

A Train Wreck

Last week, there was an article about Greece, Ireland and Portugal.  And although the financial mess that counties are currently enduring are tragic, one very good writer,  Desmond Lachman quoted Oscar Wilde:

       To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, but to lose both looks like carelessness!

I have heard of Oscar Wilde although I must confess that I had to look him up in Wiki to make sure he was not the kid on HR Puffinstuff.   I am sure I had never heard this quote previously.  Likewise, I am sure I will never forget it.  Related to this is my ignorance of so many aspects of literature.  How can I expect to be a writer with any style at all and have no idea what good writing looks like or sounds like.  I have read half of "To Kill a Mockingbird", one third of  the first "Harry Potter" and most of "Angels and Demons".  I did read nine tenths of "Timothy,or Notes of an Abject Reptile".  I always turn the channel away from Jeopardy when they have questions about literature.  "I am stunned when I hear "What is King Lear".  I have tried to read Shakespeare a couple of times.  It is not just hard to read, I find it obtuse.  It took me an entire season to grasp "Good Neighbors" on the BBC.

I have so far to go as a writer well, actually as a person.

Friday Science: Expansion

Question:  If you travel at the speed of light and you are trying to get to a place a million light years away, how long will it take you to get there? 
The answer is not 1 million years.  it is closer to 1,007,000 years. There must be a fork in the road.  I love this stuff.

As far as the traveler is concerned he is traveling at the steady rate of  the speed of light.  6.02 x 10-23 power.  No wait, that is Avogadro's number.  It is 671 million miles per hour.
But the universe is expanding at a constant rate of .007 percent of the speed of light. It is some relativity thing.

I could be and most likely am wrong on the exact figures but I am right that my starting point is no longer where it was and my ending point, wherever it may be is also not where it was one million years ago. 

It reminds me of the Who song, I can see for miles and miles

And so it goes

The Pool, A birds life!

I spent most of yesterday sitting at a beach side pool.  I am always fascinated with the concept of a huge ocean adjacent to a small fresh water pool.  From an airplane or God's view it looks ridiculous and yet beautiful.  I grew up near the ocean and  the horizon is sweet stretching out to the left and the right.  From up in the sky,high the ocean is vast and never ending.  It is only nudged by land giving it an edge.  A very small pool of water next to an ever expansive mass totaling billions of gallons of water seems silly.   Anyway, while I was roasting by the pool, two female grackles were talking while eating a stolen french fry, eaten by  Plain Pauline and a leftover shrimp's tail  eaten by Ditzy.

Pauline:  That shrimp smells nice but it is just  all chitin, almost no nutrition.
Ditzy:  What nutrition, my orange ass will bring in that blue head over there, I will drop ten eggs for him.  Did you see those thighs!
Pauline:  Oh, the one with the crooked tail feather.  Careful with that one.  I saw him with a crow bitch yesterday.  Now that you mention it, I am not sure it was even a bitch but it was definitely a crow.
Ditzy:  Don't say that PP, I start to make eggs every time he dives in for fish and chips.  He tried to mount me in flight yesterday. He can fly upside down you know.
Pauline:  Ditz, hang in there.  You know male gracks don't help out with the nest.  They ride you for a week and off they go.  It is a decent week for sure, even ole Stumpy was a great week but all his eggs but one were useless. The seagulls drug them off.  Those flying rat bastards can kiss my ass.
Ditzy:  Don't worry about me, you should be worrying about your Roseakia, I saw her eating pebbles yesterday.  You know what that means.  The males can smell the eggs production.
Pauline:  She is only eight weeks old, her tail feathers have not even split yet, I hope it was just a stuck gizzard.
Ditzy: Hey Blue Head, do you care how old they are and what about a stuck gizzard? Hey look, there is a box of fries under that table.
What happened to Ole Stumpy?
Pauline:  He was chasing some Mockingbird tail and got hit by a bus.  I saw his stumpy pecker on the grill of the north loop.  These fries are wet, does it get any better, now does it Ditz?
Ditzy:  I think that shrimp tail gave me gas, do I look bloated from the side?

They both flew of to banyan tree to get some ants.  It is sort of like hot wings I guess.

I always enjoy the pool even next to the ocean.

The Constitution: The very First Amendment

Basically, the ratification of the Constitution on September 17, 1787 was completed because everyone agreed there would be amendments to it. The Bill of Rights would follow and everyone would be happy, happy, happy.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

This amendment all was not directed at the states until around 1925.  So states were free to restrict our rights, choose our religion and keep us from complaining publicly until 1925 and I assume they did just that.  The Scopes Monkey trial with Darrow and Bryan was in 1925 and took on the States Rights vs the First Amendment.  This trial had freedom of speech, Religion, the Press and Assembly issues all rolled into one event. I wish I had been there to see it and live it.  I lived in Utah so I understand the nuances of the First Amendment rights and lack thereof.

A lawyer, a moron!

A famous lawyer was arrested for drunken driving over the week end.  The statement he made to the police and the reporters sounds exactly like the story my alcoholic friends on spring break told the popos when they were caught collecting street signs from Ferdinando Beach.

Officer Martinez:  How many drinks have you had?
Spring Breakers:  Just two Swartzkoff, sir.
Officer Martinez: Not that it matters but what are you doing?
Spring Breakers:  Just helping out a friend.
Officer Martinez:  Are those street signs you got there?
Spring Breakers:  Yep, our friend has lost his bearings and we did not have a map so I thought we would make him one.
Officer Martinez:  You smell like alcohol and you are wobbling.
Spring Breakers:  It is hard to walk straight while being so concerned for a lost friend.
Officer Martinez:  And where is your friend, was than him that wandered off toward the beach?
Spring Breakers:  He is a wombat.
Officer Martinez:  Put your hands on the car and blow!
Spring Breakers:  Don't taze me bro!  I refuse the breath test but we will take a blood test. (knowing that they do not do that any more)  Whoa! gloves, I thought you did not do blood test any more?
Officer Martinez:  These gloves? They are not for blood tests.

This is almost word for word what the fancy lawyer said to the cops.

Hmmm.

Friday Science: Dew

about ten years ago, I was in need of a way to "dry" some air before using it.  I needed to remove the moisture from the incoming air.  I looked up some charts and graphs and made some startling conclusions.

If you take a fixed volume of air at any temperature and quickly lower that temperature ten degrees F, most of the "water" moisture will fall out of the air like dew on your car in the morning.  It does not matter if the air is at 200 degrees and you cool it to 190 degrees or if the air is at 60 degrees and you cool it to 50 degrees.  Relatively speaking, "warm" air can hold more water than "cooler" air.  In a very basic explanation, when cold air collides with warm air, it rains!

Lets diverge and extrapolate. 

Women can be the hottest things on the planet, with scorching fire that can leave burns that scare.  They can also purify your soul with that fire.  As expected, they can quickly "cool off" to the point of  Antarctica in August.  There must be some kind of "dew" or precipitation that falls with the temperature.  

Now, when the Alberta Clipper is released from the "Do whatever you want" answer to your weekend with the boys statement, quickly grab your remote thermosensor and locate the incoming cold spell.  A humidigraph can also be used to identify the "frost zone" front.  That is the point where it is perfectly clear and bone dry that you are going to pay dearly for even thinking what she thinks you are thinking.  Most likely you can feel you hot crossed buns drying out way before the event horizon. 

Instantly, you will see her come out the the next room wearing grandma underwear, flannel bottoms and socks.  She will spin elegantly on the crackling imported Venetian floor tile, amble to the bookshelf and starts to reading "Dancing Naked on the Edge of Darwin" before the bedroom door slams shut.  There is no need for her to lock it, the mechanism has frozen solid from the passing gale and touching it would be like licking the northern most pole.  Cold spells are always followed by a warming trends you just have to be ready to identify the dry air so you do not get burned.

I will fight no more forever!

This is the final statement of an oration by Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce and an end to a way of life.  It is possibly the saddest speech ever conceived.  I cry when I think of it.  The Ignorant People not only obliterated his way of life but also his very name.  His given name is "Thunder Traveling to the Loftier Mountain Heights."  How absolutely awesome is that name.  I am sure that jealousy and animosity of the stunningly bodacious lifestyle of truth and honor combined with that gargantuan name threatened the very manhood of the needle dicked, Napoleonic war mongering bastards of death.    If you read nothing else today, follow the link and be prepared to cry.

I pointedly decided that this blog would not be a bitch session or a place to complain or criticize unless I can use satire and allegory to fan the flames of discontent.   There are infinite trespasses and tribulations to joust about and toward.  I have vowed to fight no more forever. 

Yet, and yet is not a big enough word, Yet, I have a decent computer at work and at home and there is so much garbage embedded in any web page, so much spyware and security netware that real work is cartoonly difficult.  I should go back to my Mac Centris 650 running OS 8.5 to obtain any sense of  computing speed.  The old way was better.


That is about it.

What does grey taste like?

In a story in Sunday's New York Times Business section, Gardiner Harris wrote,

 "Without the artificial coloring FD&C Yellow No. 6, Cheetos Crunchy Cheese Flavored Snacks would look like the shriveled larvae of a large insect. Not surprisingly, in taste tests, people derived little pleasure from eating them.
"Their fingers did not turn orange. And their brains did not register much cheese flavor, even though the Cheetos tasted just as they did with food coloring.
"'People ranked the taste as bland and said that they weren't much fun to eat,' said Brian Wansink, a professor at Cornell University and director of the university's Food and Brand Lab.
"Naked Cheetos would not seem to have much commercial future. Nor might some brands of pickles. The pickling process turns them an unappetizing grey. Dye is responsible for their robust green.
"'Color is such a crucial part of the eating experience that banning dyes would take much of the pleasure out of life,' said Kantha Shelke, a food chemist and spokeswoman for the Institute of Food Technologists. Indeed, color often defines flavor in taste tests. Color creates a psychological expectation for a certain flavor that is often impossible to dislodge, Dr. Shelke said.
"'Color can actually override the other parts of the eating experience,' she said in an interview."

This is a blip from bookofjoe, the best blog on the planet.

For years, I closed my eyes when I am chewing so I do not see other people wasting food.   It is an interesting process chewing without using one of the senses.  It all started when Bobby would challenge me to eat some concoction he brewed up during lunch hour.  Mrs. Magee, the hair net wearing ray of sunshine lunch lady would give us anything we wanted because she hated thin children to pass her station.  I would get  hot rolls most of the time and Bobby always got everything he could carry.  He ate like a bird so he was always feeding me the mess on his plate.  Who knew, Peas and carrots would go with mashed taters and the brown stuff they called gravy.  Milk mixed with apple crisp and green beans was always a delight.  I remember Bob Deeb mixed everything from two peoples lunches in a big gray heap and Principle Bob made him eat it.  He had his eyes very tightly closed for that and held his nose while the tears were flowing.  That was the first time I heard "It all gets mixed up inside anyway". 

I wonder how it would be for someone to feed me, while I wear ear plugs, close my eyes and in a room where the food was the same temperature as the air.  Only taste would rule.  Let the games begin.

The Constitution

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

This is one sentence, take out the descriptive and you have

We the People of the United States do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

This mess is our fault!

Joke Book

I have been having a writing dry spell so I dug up an old "joke book" that I used to keep notes in.  Whenever I found something peckish, ironic or worthy of a muse I would scribble it down in the book.  The comedian David Brenner used to say he would wake up from a particular funny dream and put it in his book and go back to sleep.  In the morning it would be just scribbling or make no sense whatsoever.  Many of these thoughts were jotted down while driving so my life and others were in peril to preserve this fine humor. 

Here are some excerpts from my joke book.  Here is a legend to help you understand.

Legend  *****    this means I cannot make out the letters or just a line
                @@@   this means I have no idea what it means or says

Example 1:  "Priest mak*****, @@@@@ts, **Llama and his tongue.  (make sure the to describe it)"

Example 2:  "People walking with each step, the toe pointing in a different direction". 
I remember thinking about this when I wrote it down.  It was something quite funny.  I took great care to write it clearly but it is now about a year later, I have no idea what it was and why it was so funny.

Example 3:  "Glow in the dark striped condoms with barn****@@**@@ly  @ train.  this way and that"
  I can see how I may have thought something funny was going on here.

Example 4:  @*@**@@@******________--------##$$$%**
I am so very sure that I am a funny guy and that these scribbles had some needed humor in them. 

These thoughts are lost forever, never to cause a smile or brighten a moment of time.  It is a damn shame.  I need to do better.

Friday Science: Try This

At many water parks around the country there is a slide, a really high, steep slide that painfully smacks you butt muscles and rips your shirt up around your neck.  I have a tanning lotion (SPF2)that will increase your speed by at least 8 miles per hour.  When you hit the bottom of the slide , the water shoots up your butt hole like a proctologist in a candy store and you will get a colon cleanse, an ass toner and a tummy tuck all at the same time.  People with prosthetic limbs and fake hip joints should not use this lotion and ride down these slides without special harnesses to keep the arms and legs pointing in the correct direction.  Over the next week after being on this ride, you will lose twenty five pounds of body fat similar to liposuction although it will all end up in your feet.  You will look like one giant bruise with elephant feet.  There is a chance that your knee will hit your face knocking your teeth out and giving you a deviate to your septum.  You will no longer be able to have children because only with surgery will you be able to find your scrotum.   The first female that used my lotion on a slide reported it feeling like giving birth because her vagina was pulled up over her head. (Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said, "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.")  They are still looking for the tatoo on her thigh.


The main ingredient in this lotion is fish slime.  Fish tend to slime fairly easily if you rub them.  Go figure!  You take your average alive, two pound Mozambique Red Tilapia and place him in an aquarium.  You will be collecting the slime that forms on their scales. It is some magical stuff that reduces water friction by twenty percent.  Hold the fish facing you and rub your hand or a scraper from front to back.  If you do it the other way you will suffer a pain similar to a fire ant on your eyeball so do not do it or if you do, please film it and post it on YouTube.  You can do this slime collecting about three times a day.  More times than that will make Red all sore and less likely to respond appropriately in the future.  Keep the slime in the fridge in a sealed plastic zip lock.  Later once you have enough you will mix in extra virgin olive oil and a little Crisco, some cheap perfume of you choice and a cinnamon stick.  Warm it all up until the crisco melts and pour it in a squeeze bottle for dispensing.  (This is also a great laxative.  It give a new definition to the phrase, Clean as a whistle)  Try not to spill it on the floor, you will bust your ass for a month every time you go near the spill area.  


I am confident that even the most inadequate slide will twizzle your bippy.