The Old Man and the Sprinkler

I observed an old man trying to set his sprinkler to water only the grass and not the driveway or the road.  It was a struggle for all the times.  The old man gleaned over the yard like Santiago looked on the Sea. 

“Christ, I did not know he was so big.”
“I’ll kill him though,” [Santiago] said. “In all his greatness and his glory.”

There were years of struggles and successes with this lawn.  None of the wars were as ferocious as the sprinkler war of 2009.   I had struggled with the Man over a water bill and won.  I stood my ground during the attack of the Water Management Jun Hord.  Now, I must continue the fight against the master of illusion, the shah of subtle inconvenience, and the lord of frustration. The sprinkler, a Dramm Colorstorm oscillating  sprinkler, yellow with eighteen water jets providing a uniform watering for maximum coverage. The adjustable plastic dial and tab allude you to direct the water stream, and a flow control knob at the base enables you to pretend to adjust the water flow. An included nozzle needle helps keep the brass nozzles clean. The sturdy metal construction will withstand years of use (abuse), and the bright yellow color will surely stand out in your lawn so your wife does not run over it with the lawn mower.


" As the sun rises, the marlin begins to circle. For hours the old man fights the circling fish for every inch of line, slowly pulling it in. He feels faint and dizzy and sees black spots before his eyes. The fish riots against the line, battering the boat with its spear"

Soon the sun will be overhead and the sprinkler begins to oscillate.  I circle the beast and reel the hose line hoping for a safe pattern between the new avocado bush and the line of pineapples.  The sprinkler fights back with a sputter and spins quickly on its tail spraying chilled water across my arched and aching torso.  


 The old man thinks that the fish is killing him, and admires him for it, saying, “I do not care who kills who.” Eventually, he pulls the fish onto its side by the boat and plunges his harpoon into it. The fish lurches out of the water, brilliantly and beautifully alive as it dies. When it falls back into the water, its blood stains the waves.

I vow one more attempt to reign champion over the aluminum behemoth.  I will come in low and fast, circle left and flip the beast on his back rendering him harmless.  With a small adjustment and a flick of the hose line, this messy work will be finished and dry all the same.  I underestimated the Leviathan, he spat hard as I circled, up righting himself and sending his wet, cold daggers into my chest.  The wound was complete, I was done in by a mechanical marvel from a box store.
With success slipping away, I would finish this fight.  The nearby shovel would form a fine scepter.  As the darts of water ravaged my body, I buried the scimitar into the metal beast.  He thrashed  in rebellion and moaned his mortal death.  It is finished I thought.  I changed my cloths, I would be late for the nine o'clock meeting. I had gone too far. 

 Again, Santiago wishes that he hadn’t killed the marlin. He apologizes to the dead marlin for having gone out so far, saying it did neither of them any good.

The sprinkler and its lifetime warranty are dead.  I tried to fix it.  It only oscillates about fifteen degrees to the left, and only twelve of the 18 jets seem to spray.  One of them sprays rebelliously to the left.  It now makes a lonesome sound like a lost failing whale, OOOuah, OOOuah, searching for the death he did not deserve.  Winter cannot arrive soon enough. 

the moth in the bathroom

Why is there a moth in the bathroom?
What is a moth doing in there?
How long has there been a moth in my bathroom?
Is it lost or is it looking for someone?
Are moths trying to make contact with Us?
Did they create the whole "Go to the light" thing?
Why can't moths be more like butterflies?
How long will I have a moth in my bathroom?
Maybe the moth will go out for lunch, maybe it came in for lunch?
You think the moth could tell the mosquitoes to knock it off with all that buzzing?
What is that dusty fuzzy stuff that gets on your phalanges when you touch a moth, cooties?
I know flies have thick heads for running into windows and stuff, do moths have some defense against the lights burning their little lips and toes?
Do you think they like the new compact fluorescent bulbs?
How do moths feel about the Grandaddy Long Leg on the next tile?
Does this particular moth want my help because tomorrow it will be dead for some reason?
Will it be dead tomorrow regardless of my efforts?
Is the bathroom the "last room", the Elephant's graveyard?

Dead moths always at first seem bigger than live moths.  I guess that is death in a nutshell, The loved one seems so big when death first happens.  All of the texts, emails and phone calls about the death create a large bubble of life.  As it should.   Soon though, the deceased looks so small at the viewing and the event gets smaller and smaller until there is only one left to pray for the family.  The hole in the ground seems big at first, then by the time the preacher has spoken of whom he most surely does not know, the hole is filled in and the focus seems very small.  

The moth has died.  It is under the sink and I was prepared for it to be somewhere under something in its last ditch attempt to be the center of attention.  I knew the moth would be dead in the morning.  That did not make  it any easier to see through the moisture in my eyes.

Talking Crazy

Do you ever talk without thinking?  Yes, I with the exception of our Vice Presidents, Joe Biden and Nelson Rockefeller, am the expert on this type of communication.  The process must begin with honesty and touch of madness.  I am not talking about a turret kind of blurting out although I think it is related.  I am talking about being in a conversation and words come into your mouth without passing through your brain and before you know it, your tongue and lips are moving.  Your see the reviews on peoples faces before your ears relay the words to your brain. 

The other day, I was asking someone to tighten up my ankle bracelet because with my fat ass I cannot reach it, breath and use my fingers at the same time.  So I asked for help and I said without thinking, just move it to the left. The statement came out before I thought about it.  Move what to the left?  Actually, it needed to be moved to the right which is what I wanted to say but for someone facing me, it would be to the left.  I said the correct direction but if I had time to think first, I would have said the wrong thing.  Sometimes I am talking and I do not know I am audiblizing.  Someone was asking me for an answer to some question and they pronounced the word in an awkward way so my mouth said,  "Maybe I could answer you if you could get the pronounsation correct!"  I felt rude and isolated. 

Over the years, I have learned to talk with my hand very close to my mouth so I can stop what my brain cannot.  The most sound that can get out is a mumble and I can explain that away.  Mostly now though, I just do not care what I say.  I do not want to be rude or hurt people's feeling so sometimes I nip it.  The older I get the less I care about how I am interpreted.  I genuinely feel no ill will for anyone, race, creed or color.  I have the baggage of growing up in a mostly white, English speaking America and the over/undertones that come with it.  I root out insensitive or derogatory words and vow not to use or think them.  My hand saves me from reactionary thoughts.

I think this is what it boils down to.  "In the end, hopefully, you will be judged on who your are and not what you say" They may not notice who you really are until your are dead because only then will you have stopped yapping your gums.

Plumbers

I learned a long time ago that plumbers are worth every penny they charge.  Not your construction grade plumber but the kind that come in your house and fix things under your sink.  There is a good change no human has been under that sink since it was installed.  Some animals, kids and insects can fit under there and get out safely.  I would get stuck, drop the pipe wrench which should not be required these days square on my face, smash my knuckles and only make the leak worse and now a critical gusher with lots of water and a small amount of blood running out from under the sink.  "Moses, stop the plague.  I will bow to the God of Israel's Plumbing service."

Never hire a fat plumber.  He man be quite experienced and know all the tricks except how to get his fat butt under that sink or behind the water heater without tearing up the drywall.  How will a man who cannot touch his toes reach around a toilet and finagle a gnuter valve without lots of blood and slaming things around.  When this big ole boy accidentally lights the cabinet on fire with the torch (to remove something that has degraded to the point of non-recognition) he will not be able to get up and put the fire out or even get out of the house.  The headlines will read "Plumber's death in sink repair called an accident".

My plumber is skinny musician and  probably nuts and he was in the gifted program in high school.  I think his teacher was a pedophile and now he is a plumber and a musician.  I called him the other day and he was either making a recording of a song or in the bathroom.  Sometimes I get sounds confused.  I asked him how much he would charge.  "Oh, $150-$175 dollars". "I would pay $50 so I did not have to think about the plumbing any longer than necessary" I thought.  I  also called Honda Paul, a guy who fixes my hondas and he is a little off himself.  The pattern here is that I must have a few bats in the belfry also because all of my business acquaintances are certifiably insane but do good work when the medication is on track.  Honda Paul does not do plumbing or answer the phone.  He reads messages and calls people back.

One problem with plumbers now is their age.  These young plumbers wear these big  pants and even if they are skinny there is the plumber's crack.  I am kind of a prude about things like that.  "Pull them pants up, I am not paying you to show me your crack".  Wen I was a young man, I would never have used that line.  Every time he put his hand in his pocket, his pants fell down.   I knew a girl plumber once.  Her name was Barbara Sneff.  The guys called her "Babs the Pipe Bender".  She called the male carpenters "hammer knockers".   They called me the Mud Doctor because I was a drywall maniac and I was going to college.  We were all young then but at least our pants fit well.

I will most likely give my plumber a tip for getting  on this project quickly.  I like that.  The other guy I called said he would fit me in and I have not heard from him in about a year.  I like people who have some concept of time.  I cannot stand to see people drive up in a car and sit in it for ten or twelve minutes just fiddle f****ing around.  Either get out of the car or get out of my driveway.  Get what you need out of the cabinet and/or get the hell out of the way.  I do not want the freaking receipt at Wally World so finish the transaction and fix the paper/ink ribbon later.   My plumber thinks this will be a "Simple In Out procedure" .  I think there will be some wailing and gnashing of teeth along with wall cutting, fire will be required and a lot of "What the f**** was someone doing this for?"  Regardless, the most wonderful wife unit will pay him well and I will be safe in the knowledge water will not damage my house until the hurricane season.  My plumber is also a carpenter.

Enough.

Planetary Protection

I just attended a seminar called Planetary Protection: Policies and Practices.  It was not quite as boring as it sounds.  They have the best bumper sticker ever.  "Protecting all the Planets all the time!"

This would have been a great seminar had it been in Colorado Springs or San Diego.  I am sure that all the people enjoyed coming to Cocoa Beach.  I enjoyed the Courtyard and the free food and drink.  I also enjoyed the speakers.  There were seven presenters and thirteen participants.  I think it was a nice trip for the presenters and they just happened to be giving a seminar while vacationing. 

Believe it or not, there is a group of people looking out for not just this planet but all of the asteroids, moons, satellite worlds or other planets.  It is a theoretical game and they take it seriously.  Carl Sagan  kicked of the mathematical probabilities some years ago.  There are probabilities of accidental  contact, of transference of viable spores and subsequent infection.  Someone calculated the probability difference between a slow decent to Mars and a quick descent and how much sterilization of the craft will occur on each approach.  They also calculated the probability that an organism(spores) would be transferred to Martian surfaces and the probability of those surviving  to produce life on Mars.  If the risk is greater than one chance in ten million, you have to clean your space craft better.  The entire Mars Rover, this last one they sent up was the size of golf cart.  There was 135 thousand square feet (three football fields) of surface area that could contain viable spores for contamination.  It all has to be cleaned to a density of less than 1 spore per cubic centimeter.  The entire craft could only have about 500,000 spores on it for launch go ahead.  500,000 spores can quite easily fit side by side on your little fingernail and a spoonful of dirt could contain a million spores.

So lets just say the other planets are safe.  An organism capable of reproducing would have to survive the cleaning, the trip in a radiation filled, oxygen less space for a year, then land on Mars without being burned up and land in some place with water, grow, replicate and then Propagate.  There is about as much chance of that happening as our government actually doing anything important.  I am sure Saturn is safe also. 

But lets be clear, they have a great bumper sticker, a good presentation and ethics on their side.  Unfortunately, they are a government agency and are covered by a treaty with the United Nations.  I am sure at one time that meant something also.  But now it is just non-absorbent wiping paper.