Big Butt

Delvin, a  friend of mine.

He loves big butts, not your Jennifer Lopez butt, no, "the have to turn sideways getting off the bus" butt.  He is Pavlovian about "can't ride in cars with bucket seats" booty.  He was arrested once for grabbing a handful of tush at the local Wally-world.  It is a disorder of some kind I am quite sure.  Anyway, he is also prone to exaggeration, I thought until he explained why his head was always turned out a little bit on his neck.   You have to understand, Delvin is a little guy, five foot three, 125 pounds constipated.

He explains:  I had this girlfriend, she was really fine and had this awesome abnormally huge butt.  It was all muscle too.  I think she invented the Thong because her underwear always had to be up her ass because that was the only way they would fit.  One day while I was lying down on the couch minding my own business, she walked past me, well, that gorgeous thing was about an inch from my face and I decided to bite that booty.  I grabbed them hips and opened my mouth and took a big bite.  Well, it must have startled her because she let out a yell and stumbled back falling on me pinning me to the couch.  This seemed to be real close to heaven until I realized she was too damn big to get her ass off my face.  She could not get up.  She was screamin and kicking around.  I tried to push her off but my hands just disappeared in that butt.  My elbows would sink into the couch when I pushed.  I could not breath or even close my mouth.  My jaw was hurting and I was almost out of air.  I used my last breath to yell but the sound was absorbed by that big ole Christmas package.  I remember gasping for air and waking up on the floor.  The coffee table was broke, Pancake her 14 year old cat was dead and my neck hurt like a mofo.  She said I got this super human mother strength, like a mother gets when her child is stuck under a car well, she said I just launched her across the room landing on the cat sleeping on the now crushed coffee table. 

Well, he said his neck has been crooked every since that day.  Delvin and Regina broke up a while later.  She never got over the death of Pancake and how was she going to explain the scars on her ass.  It looked like a dentist X-ray on her butt.  Delvin was sharp enough to take pictures of the cat, the coffee table and the booty.  For a little guy, he had a huge bite.  It did look like an x-ray on an elephant. 

Friday Science: Hormones

How do you make a hormone, don't pay her.

Our ugly dog has his balls dangling for another week and then the N word.  There have been two female dogs in the neighborhood that have been inviting him over for a little action.  The problem is his stupidity.  He forgets where he lives, he whines all the time and he fights with dogs bigger than him. Betty Lou is getting out tonight

The vet, a neutered beast himself with chubby cheeks and a thinning hairline said, "I don't know if that will calm him down or not".  I said "Well, you can crack him on the head while you have him under anesthesia if you want?, maybe that will work".  This week he is much more calm and not whining at all so a smack in the head is probably not warranted.

Hormones are really cool.  Ask Barry and Manny, it cooled off their baseball retirements.  I will wager people will be discovering new hormones (biologically active chemicals) for hundreds of years.  They are fractal and fractals keep going and going. 

The Constitution: The sixth amendment

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence

This needs  no explanation.  It is such a part of our way of life that I forget that many places on earth have none of these rights.  


In many places, people are accused, tried,convicted and shot and have no idea why.  That blows the big chunks.


I suppose the people in CIA prisons are wondering if they will ever get a trial.  Most will just be let go one day. 


In the bygones past, arrests, trials and hanging  took place in days.  Now, whomever does not want to go to trial, the defense or the prosecution can delay a trial for years.  The lawyers win those trials.  Justice loses.


I figure that I will lose any trial I am in because I just don't care to fight it.  I nor any lawyer I know is Clarence Darrow and well, the laws are not just, they are legalities.  That is how they got around the sixth amendment.  We can't blame Bush for that one.

Breaking News

In a lake town down south, several locomotives have been seen pouching on a train.  They have been identified as Diesel Ten and Percy.  They bullied up on a blue tank engine named Thomas and broke his smoke box.  The once mild-mannered Percy was convicted of mishandling Annie and Clarabel on a trip to the other side of the Island and spend time in the mines for it.  Diesel Ten has a long history of being a bad engine.  They were last seen with the Troublesom Trucks hanging down by the quarry.

Really, I could not make this stuff up.  

The Player: Tiger gets a Tale

Tiger Woods to see Mr. Reynolds.  He is expecting me.

Tiger stands there in the lobby of the Cannonball Run Studios looking at all the movie posters with his tattered copy of "Players for Dummies" under his arm.  He blurts out, "The Tiger is impressed!"

"Not bad, Huh"  quips Reynolds who just enters from a door stage left.  Tiger is startled.  And Oh, that book is not approved reading for beginner players, it is a rip off of Clinton's book "How to be a Player for Morons".

Tiger:  Thanks for seeing me Mr. Reynolds, I did not know where to turn.  You see, they pulled my card and I cannot get cruise discounts or invites to the sponsored parties and all that.    Shiiitt!
Burt:  Hah, there is plenty of time for that.  Do you want to see some more posters?  This was the canoe from Deliverance.
Tiger walks over and looks in the door Mr. Reynolds came through.  "Its a closet!"
Burt:  Yeh, hah, Remember, an actor always needs to make a good entrance.  Now, how can I help you?  Oh, yeh, the Card.  Well, most people kinda figure it out along the way but, I guess you did not have a mentor, and with butt-loads of money, well, yeh, hah, it is all good.
Tiger:  What?
Burt:  See, officially, you are not a Player until you get married because, well,  just because. Where did you get your card?
Tiger:  Anika!
Burt:  Come again? leaning his head to the side like Ole Blue the Bloodhound.
Tiger:  Anika Sorenstam, she gave it to me.
Burt:  Oh, hah, that reminds me, wants some nuts?
Tiger:  Nuts?
Burt:  Boiled peanuts, yeh, they are great, when I was at FSU, I lived on these things. Hah, hah, lets look at your file.  (flipping through the two pages and looking intently up and down furrowing his brow erratically) Yeh, Daily said you took it pretty hard when he tore it up in front of you.  It was supposed to be dramatic.  This is serious stuff, Playing I mean.
Tiger:  Two years is a long time few mistakes of protocol.
Burt:  Well, I talked with Bjorn (Supreme Player Borg) yesterday on that very subject.  He had dinner with your ex-wife the other day and he said she is one fine "hamreklocka".  heh, yeh, ah, I can fit you in a mentoring class.  It is for newbies.  It is  seven straight evenings, some videos with dos and don'ts. 
Tiger:  Evenings?
Burt:  Four hours a night.  We don't want you running out trying to play during the training.  You will be in a shaky state of mind.  They have a standard to uphold.  You had your card without any training at all.  It is a wonder you lasted as long as you did.
Tiger:  OK, I am in.  Is that it?
HeBurt:  h, hah, no, what, Oh,  yeh, Just remember, Bitches are like universes, if they run into each other, they explode and your toast!    See ya Sunday for orientation.