I will fight no more forever!

This is the final statement of an oration by Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce and an end to a way of life.  It is possibly the saddest speech ever conceived.  I cry when I think of it.  The Ignorant People not only obliterated his way of life but also his very name.  His given name is "Thunder Traveling to the Loftier Mountain Heights."  How absolutely awesome is that name.  I am sure that jealousy and animosity of the stunningly bodacious lifestyle of truth and honor combined with that gargantuan name threatened the very manhood of the needle dicked, Napoleonic war mongering bastards of death.    If you read nothing else today, follow the link and be prepared to cry.

I pointedly decided that this blog would not be a bitch session or a place to complain or criticize unless I can use satire and allegory to fan the flames of discontent.   There are infinite trespasses and tribulations to joust about and toward.  I have vowed to fight no more forever. 

Yet, and yet is not a big enough word, Yet, I have a decent computer at work and at home and there is so much garbage embedded in any web page, so much spyware and security netware that real work is cartoonly difficult.  I should go back to my Mac Centris 650 running OS 8.5 to obtain any sense of  computing speed.  The old way was better.


That is about it.

What does grey taste like?

In a story in Sunday's New York Times Business section, Gardiner Harris wrote,

 "Without the artificial coloring FD&C Yellow No. 6, Cheetos Crunchy Cheese Flavored Snacks would look like the shriveled larvae of a large insect. Not surprisingly, in taste tests, people derived little pleasure from eating them.
"Their fingers did not turn orange. And their brains did not register much cheese flavor, even though the Cheetos tasted just as they did with food coloring.
"'People ranked the taste as bland and said that they weren't much fun to eat,' said Brian Wansink, a professor at Cornell University and director of the university's Food and Brand Lab.
"Naked Cheetos would not seem to have much commercial future. Nor might some brands of pickles. The pickling process turns them an unappetizing grey. Dye is responsible for their robust green.
"'Color is such a crucial part of the eating experience that banning dyes would take much of the pleasure out of life,' said Kantha Shelke, a food chemist and spokeswoman for the Institute of Food Technologists. Indeed, color often defines flavor in taste tests. Color creates a psychological expectation for a certain flavor that is often impossible to dislodge, Dr. Shelke said.
"'Color can actually override the other parts of the eating experience,' she said in an interview."

This is a blip from bookofjoe, the best blog on the planet.

For years, I closed my eyes when I am chewing so I do not see other people wasting food.   It is an interesting process chewing without using one of the senses.  It all started when Bobby would challenge me to eat some concoction he brewed up during lunch hour.  Mrs. Magee, the hair net wearing ray of sunshine lunch lady would give us anything we wanted because she hated thin children to pass her station.  I would get  hot rolls most of the time and Bobby always got everything he could carry.  He ate like a bird so he was always feeding me the mess on his plate.  Who knew, Peas and carrots would go with mashed taters and the brown stuff they called gravy.  Milk mixed with apple crisp and green beans was always a delight.  I remember Bob Deeb mixed everything from two peoples lunches in a big gray heap and Principle Bob made him eat it.  He had his eyes very tightly closed for that and held his nose while the tears were flowing.  That was the first time I heard "It all gets mixed up inside anyway". 

I wonder how it would be for someone to feed me, while I wear ear plugs, close my eyes and in a room where the food was the same temperature as the air.  Only taste would rule.  Let the games begin.

The Constitution

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

This is one sentence, take out the descriptive and you have

We the People of the United States do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

This mess is our fault!

Joke Book

I have been having a writing dry spell so I dug up an old "joke book" that I used to keep notes in.  Whenever I found something peckish, ironic or worthy of a muse I would scribble it down in the book.  The comedian David Brenner used to say he would wake up from a particular funny dream and put it in his book and go back to sleep.  In the morning it would be just scribbling or make no sense whatsoever.  Many of these thoughts were jotted down while driving so my life and others were in peril to preserve this fine humor. 

Here are some excerpts from my joke book.  Here is a legend to help you understand.

Legend  *****    this means I cannot make out the letters or just a line
                @@@   this means I have no idea what it means or says

Example 1:  "Priest mak*****, @@@@@ts, **Llama and his tongue.  (make sure the to describe it)"

Example 2:  "People walking with each step, the toe pointing in a different direction". 
I remember thinking about this when I wrote it down.  It was something quite funny.  I took great care to write it clearly but it is now about a year later, I have no idea what it was and why it was so funny.

Example 3:  "Glow in the dark striped condoms with barn****@@**@@ly  @ train.  this way and that"
  I can see how I may have thought something funny was going on here.

Example 4:  @*@**@@@******________--------##$$$%**
I am so very sure that I am a funny guy and that these scribbles had some needed humor in them. 

These thoughts are lost forever, never to cause a smile or brighten a moment of time.  It is a damn shame.  I need to do better.

Friday Science: Try This

At many water parks around the country there is a slide, a really high, steep slide that painfully smacks you butt muscles and rips your shirt up around your neck.  I have a tanning lotion (SPF2)that will increase your speed by at least 8 miles per hour.  When you hit the bottom of the slide , the water shoots up your butt hole like a proctologist in a candy store and you will get a colon cleanse, an ass toner and a tummy tuck all at the same time.  People with prosthetic limbs and fake hip joints should not use this lotion and ride down these slides without special harnesses to keep the arms and legs pointing in the correct direction.  Over the next week after being on this ride, you will lose twenty five pounds of body fat similar to liposuction although it will all end up in your feet.  You will look like one giant bruise with elephant feet.  There is a chance that your knee will hit your face knocking your teeth out and giving you a deviate to your septum.  You will no longer be able to have children because only with surgery will you be able to find your scrotum.   The first female that used my lotion on a slide reported it feeling like giving birth because her vagina was pulled up over her head. (Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said, "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head.")  They are still looking for the tatoo on her thigh.


The main ingredient in this lotion is fish slime.  Fish tend to slime fairly easily if you rub them.  Go figure!  You take your average alive, two pound Mozambique Red Tilapia and place him in an aquarium.  You will be collecting the slime that forms on their scales. It is some magical stuff that reduces water friction by twenty percent.  Hold the fish facing you and rub your hand or a scraper from front to back.  If you do it the other way you will suffer a pain similar to a fire ant on your eyeball so do not do it or if you do, please film it and post it on YouTube.  You can do this slime collecting about three times a day.  More times than that will make Red all sore and less likely to respond appropriately in the future.  Keep the slime in the fridge in a sealed plastic zip lock.  Later once you have enough you will mix in extra virgin olive oil and a little Crisco, some cheap perfume of you choice and a cinnamon stick.  Warm it all up until the crisco melts and pour it in a squeeze bottle for dispensing.  (This is also a great laxative.  It give a new definition to the phrase, Clean as a whistle)  Try not to spill it on the floor, you will bust your ass for a month every time you go near the spill area.  


I am confident that even the most inadequate slide will twizzle your bippy.