Grocery List

I have a grocery list on my IPhone6.  This is the list I have created over about three weeks.  I keep adding to it and never delete anything.  It is a representation of what is required in my household.  Some of these items I never purchase or receive but I keep them on the list.  I am cheap and frugal but mostly cheap so my family instructs me on the exact nature of their needs are for food.  I tend to pick the cheapest in many cases and they explain at the meeting "that will not do".

Pizza  --  This can be frozen or fresh made.
cat food  --  Various types.
nibbles  --  Whatever I think the humans and/or animals will like as a snack.
corn  --  Any type but usually includes cream style and frozen.
Peas --  Same as corn.
blowjob  --  I do not expect to get this at the store or anywhere else.
Ibuprofen 
Seltzer water  --  Any flavor, no sugar.
Mixed fruit, canned  --  Mostly for Jeffery the pig.
Garbage bags
Bananas  --  There is nothing better than a solid, slightly ripe, stiff banana in the morning.
Coffee cream  --  Specific type.
Bug spray  --  For prevention of various mosquito borne diseases for humans and Jeffery the pig.
Chips
Sausage --  I like mild Italian style.  My family thinks it tastes funny.
Breakfast sausage  --  No it is not a duplicate, silly me.  It has to be fully cooked and processed pseudo sausage.  If not my family says it tastes funny.
Dog food  --  Purina One puppy.  We do not have a puppy.
Pig food  --  Mostly a catch all for breakfast oatmeal or anything like that on sale.
Ice cream
Donuts --  mostly powdered sugar cake donuts.
Potatoes
Milk --   Cow and Almond because we can.
Chips
Tomatoes
Lettuce
Ham  --  I like the Black Forest type.  It brings back memories of carnage and barbarism while I tear into the packaging.
Chicken  --  This is cheap ass perpetually frozen chicken thighs that are boiled and given to the dogs.  It is cheaper than any dog snack. 
Cheese --  I want to be a cheese maker.
Meatballs  --  I have found a brand that with a little help are as good as they need to be.
Sugar  --  A fine symbol of capitalism that is holding its own in the every changing diet world.  With modified corn syrup  losing sway with the "civilized world", sugar is making a comeback.
Tea  --  This is for ice tea with sugar in it.
Butter  --  Also making a comeback in the civilized world.
Candy  --  Kit Kat and Starburst
Bread  --  Special, more expensive bread that will take longer to go bad because although someone wanted it, sandwiches are so not interesting.
Pasta  --  Now the trend has shifted from egg noodles to Ditalini.  I do not guess I should tell them it means "little fingers".
Soup  --  This is a hot button of resentment.  It has to be beef consume for the ditalini.  Beef broth will not due even though beef broth is half the price.  Any other soup must be approved by my son and wife to meet the strict requirements at the bi-weekly "You are a lousy shopper meeting".  "It must be something they want to eat at the given time they think they want soup".  It is really very simple.  I will fail.
Salami  --  It must be "hard" salami.  I grew up in Florida in the 60's.  I figured there was on type of salami, one type of milk, and one type of hurricanes.  I guess it is like the banana.
Fabric softener  --  The most expensive kind please.  I tried to explain that "please" does not help.
Suffering  --  I do not pay to receive this but it must jump in the basket because as soon as I get back from the store I start suffering.  Misery lives under my house and come out when Suffering needs help.
Spaghetti  --  Silly me, I again thought there were only three types of pasta, spaghetti, macaroni and the big round stuff.
Cocoanut Milk
Syrup
Cilantro 
Shampoo  --  Do not get me going again.
Soap
Fix-a-flat --  What a great invention.
Tennis balls
Goat milk  --  For when Jeffery was a baby.