Monday, December 9, 2013

Fire Ants and Other Blessings

For those of you who do not live south of the Mason Dixon, we have this vile creature called a "fire ant" or probably Solenopsis invicta.    A simple walk to the car causes these Olympic caliber athletes to leap up to your waist and inject you with venom resulting in "unvanquished" fire on your crotch.  I have written about this before but not as a blessing.  I am talking about the totally awesome blessing of a disastrous family camping trip where it rains sideways for two days and then the temperature goes up to ninety eight degrees in the shade. This can only rival the blessing of four children with chicken pox at the same time you are on a road trip to Wisconsin with a dog that gets car sick every few miles in a 58 Ford wagon with bad tires.  What do these three events have in common.  The expectation of death, maybe.  The desire to do something criminal, probably but I was referring to the planting the seed of contentment and love.

So, blessings.  I know family trials usually and eventually make the family bond stronger and wiser.  We found out that on road trips, do not leave the rear window down.  My dad thought we were just quiet and sleeping  for most of the trip.  Actually we were suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning and hypoxia (some kind of poxia anyway).  Kids sleep better the closer they are to death.  The rains cleaned the entire tent inside and out and the 98 degrees dried the tent and the blankets awsomely fast.  Scorpions and rattle snakes moved in for shelter but pets are good.  The only good thing about fire ants are the welts they leave on your ankles.  Not the ones between your toes, those are not a blessing.  They make an incredible popping sound when scratched and cause such a relief of endorphins that all is forgotten and forgiven. 

Ok, so I was wrong.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Railroad -- Conclusion

Management sees logistics as vitally important but that anyone can do it.  Unskilled labor.

Everyone is replaceable.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Recipe

This is an old recipe gathered from a ghost that I met at a campground in Bryce Canyon, Utah.  It was a small campground just outside the main park gate.  There were campers at every campsite and for eight dollars I got a small site in the back where a year earlier there had been a forest fire.  While I was setting up my tent, I noticed this guy wandering through the forest and in spite of the smokey haze he looked to be carrying a frozen turkey.  Black soot covered the trunks of all the pines.  There was little ground cover and fallen trees were scattered all around.  There was no privacy and I could easily see all the other campsites.  The air smelled of pine smoke yet not charred. The figure walked nearer to me and I could see he was a native American Indian and he was carrying a frozen turkey.  Did I need to be worried?  As he neared my campsite  I said "YatahHey"  which  means "what in the freak are you doing walking through a burned out forest with a frozen turkey?

His face was worn like you would expect with tons of deep crevasses and leathery brown skin.  He was wearing jeans, a tee shirt with a picture of a beer can on it and Birkenstock sandals.  His turkey was a nice eleven to thirteen pound size.  I think it was a Butterball.  The bird was no longer bound in a plastic cover and the wings were flopping all around.   Drugs must be involved in this somehow I thought, and good drugs at that.  Not the run of the mill meth or crack, no, we are talking top grade Hash, mushrooms, or at the very least peyote.  Of course I was still looking at the turkey and the juxtaposition with the Birkenstocks when  he says to me seemingly without moving his lips.   "Is this your camp site?..   "This is the site where I traditionally cook my Fourth of July bird.  On this very site for the last seventy five years".  I said, that sound like a load of Moose scat to me.  He only looked about fifty years old in spite of the the crevasses.  My camp site had no real appeal. There was one of those industrial duty elevated metal cooking grills with old chucks of charcoal in it.  The grill grate on top was what was called a hotdog eater.  If the dogs got going in the wrong direction, they fell right through the grate into the fire.  There was a cut log for fire wood and a  rock to sit on. Looking around I said Yes, you look tired, grab a rock. I could feel a chill in my spine when the Indian said "I am going to smoke this turkey for you and we will eat like chiefs, dream of satisfied squaw and straight arrows for every quiver." A warm ,dry and welcome breeze came up the canyon on its travels through the forest and ash circled my body. 

I walked to the camp general store for beer and some charcoal fluid.  There was nothing unusual about this campground store.  There were rocking chairs out front with a railing and lantern lighting.  They had two or three each of all the things that a camper might forget. There were Colman gas light mantles and a huge supply of strike anywhere matches. You could buy a tent if you forgot yours. The only  beer  they sold was Coors with the small buttons in the lid that you had to push down being careful not to get your finger caught. The beer was cold and cost three dollars a six pack.  I bought some canned corn, a  tin of charcoal lighter fluid, some antelope jerky and some choke cherry fruit leather whatever that was.  I left the store and people were rocking in the chairs gazing out over in the direction of the canyon.   I smelled smoke and saw a great light as a rounded the bend heading for my camp site.  There were flames shooting up about eleven feet high from the industral barbeque grill only inches from my tent.  The indian was circling the blaze like a buzzard looking for a jack rabbit and mumbling some strange Indian crap.  I said, "Chief Whathafuck, think you have enough fire there, Butch?"  "To smoke a turkey you need lots of smoke!"  "Come over here young wolf, I will show you the secret of the Bryce canyon smoked turkey.  It is all in the rub."  The turkey was laying on the ground and there were three piles of differnt color sands in front of a small depression in the forest floor.  There was a coarse red sand from the vermillion clifts, this old scalp chaser said it was the iron and the selenium that made the smoke stick to the bird.  There was white sand as white as snow that he said came from the salt of the earth and would keep the turkey moist.  The yellow sand was silica with soda lime that crusted the bird richly.  He placed a hadful of each color sand in the depression.  He added juniper needles and  pine nuts from the various types of cones laying in the campsite.  The Indian seemed to lose his balance as he rolled the turkey in the mixture.  I though of helping him up but I really did not want to touch him.  I was about half way through my Coors beer when he grabbed the can and stuffed sage brush in it and shove it up the turkey's one way tunnel.  With the wave of his hand at the last flash of flame, the turkey was in the middle of the camp stove over a bed of glowing coals with scented smoke mixing into the forest haze.

I turned and found the indian sleeping in my tent on my sleeping bag. "Chief", I said, "don't you have to watch the turkey?"  "Nope, wake me in three hours."  "Three hours, what am I going to do for three hours?"  "Go see the talent show at the Canyon Lodge."  I had noticed signs all around the park about the End of the Season Talent Show.  It was an annual tradition  where the summer staff, mostly college students displayed their singing and dancing talents to the delights of the guests. I walked the mile or so through pinyon pines as tall as telephone poles up to the Canyon Lodge and grabbed a seat in the back of the hall. The Bryce Canyon Lodge was a hotel with huge pine pillars and large stone steps.  The entire end of the hall was an enormous fire hearth constructed of huge sandstone boulders.  The roaring fire filled the lodge with warmth and the strong scent of pine.  There were cabins similarly built littering the grounds around the canyon.  This lodge was quite old and well preserved in its original style. Once the talent show started, I forgot about the Indian, my tent and the turkey.  Part of the festivities was food of a local variety.  There was that fruit leather stuff, some fruit salads with various types of pine nuts in them.  There was boysenberry pie and choke cherry cobbler and I could not tell the difference between the two.  There were plates of turkey, deer, grouse and pine hens all smoked and braised with various recipes.  The moderator of the show told a story for each of the recipes.  There was a  little cook booklet for each season that could be purchased for two dollars. I bought one because I felt sorry for the kids that had to tie those colorful ribbons through the punched holes.  I had to do that once because that was my only talent.

While waiting for the plate twirler to clean up the plates that somehow launched themselves into the third row barely missing the statue of Ebenezer Bryce, I flipped through the recip book to the part about the smoked birds.  The original ancient recipe is still a mystery.  Evey year the cooks try a different combination of spices, nuts, hoping to emulate the legendary turkey recipe of the once local indian tribes. The moderator was making a big deal out of this recipe.  In the cookbook there is a note that every season the meats to be smoked are placed on the window ledges and the tecnawatu, a visitor from the spirit world comes out of the forest sprinkles unknown spices on the meats while the kids prepare for the talent show.  Nothing extra is added to the meats and they are place on a fire of pinyon pine charcoal.  While reading, I blurted out, "its all in the sand".  Everyone looked at me very oddly.  I said "What the old indian told me was that the unique taste came from the different sands in the canyon."  The matron of the talent show asked "Have you seen Technawatu?"   "Does he wear Birkenstocks?" I posed.  A few people chuckled and continued watching the talents of the dancing mule deer.   Tecnawatu was described as a shadow coming to life out of the hoodoos, the tall weather worn stone towers famous in Bryce canyon.  It was a spirit and wore brilliantly colored robes.  It moved on the wind without sound.  In the Lodge, the is a book where visitors can write descriptions of their encounters with the techawatu.  There are several hundred sightings of Bryce Canyon's ghost.  Common  entries were similar to "I could hear him singing while moving through the trees" or "The brightly colored ghost passed by swiftly and I could smell smoked meat on the wind".   

The talent show ended with a full chorus of the Bryce Canyon Goodbye song., I purchased a large cup of beer for the walk back to the campsite wondering if my tent or the Indian were there.  The sun was down and forest was cooling off when I left the lodge. If my sleeping bag was still there I would need to delouse it of  bed bugs and mites.  They carry disease you know. I was pretty sure I was going to get the Rocky Mountain trots at the very least.  As I finished off my beer, I thought maybe the Coors will keep me disinfected.   The down hill walk seemed like more that a mile and I kept seeing the shadows of the Technawatu.   I walked and spoke aloud in the direction of the canyon and the echo would come back three times.  The light from the moon kept my trail illuminated. There were some people out in front of the camp store rocking in the chairs and keeping an eye on things. "Hey, I think your turkey is done."  I chuckled and said, "Did that old freakin indian leave me any?"   "We did not see any indian" they said.  "That is a lot of food for one guy, where is the rest of your group?"  I quickened the pace to my tent with the two rocking chair dudes in tow.  The campsite was immaculate with the sand swept smooth and the sleeping bag was rolled up nicely.  The coals from the fire gave off just enough light where I could see roasted corn on the cob, a wooden bowl of wild greens and some tortilla looking things.  The smell of smoked turkey was everywhere.  There was a six pack of  chilled Falstaff beer wrapped in a brightly colored Indian blanket.  The two old rockers looked at me in earnest and I looked at them and said, "dig in boys, there is plenty to go around."  "This is the best damn bird I have ever tasted, what did you use for a rub, you gotta give me the recipe?"  "I dropped it in the sand, it must be the iron or something."  They laughed and said, "Falstaff, I never heard of that brand of beer" while they ripped smoked bird off the bone. "Yep", I said.   "Nothing better than eating like chiefs, thinking of satisfying squaws and straight arrows in every quiver." Looking out toward the canyon,  I could see the smoke trails from all the camp fires mingling together and drifting through the hoodoos filling the shadows.









Friday, September 6, 2013

hateful



I do not hate anyone in particular.  I do not hate anyone actually.  I am just in a hating life phase.  This will be a complaining blog in case you were wondering.

I have this back problem that is causing me to really not enjoy anything.  It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand up.  Once I am up and walking around and after the embarrassment of hunching around and sliding my feet with the zombie walk I am fine.  It hurts to look down.  It hurts to look up.  It hurts to think about opening my eyes.  Much of the pain is most likely related to a lifetime of being a jerk and an oddball which I did not care about when I was fifteen and trying to fit in but now that I am old and fat and broke up, I have no friends to come over and laugh at my nonsensical complaining.  Looking back,  I am pretty sure being a jerk and a querk (not querking or twerking which even if my back did not hurt I could not do) is not a good approach while trying to fit  in at a Mormon high school.  Looking forward in time, I am too damn stubborn and tired to give a crap about the disaster that will be my retirement. 

I tried to exercise by playing tennis and I broke some ribs.  I could go into details and maybe I will at a later date.  I try to be creative in the home and build something and I hurt my back while sneezing.  I try to walk, and I do walk several miles a day several times a week and my hip sciatica acts up.  My feet are swollen I think, remember I am fat and the only one thing I really wanted to get bigger is actually getting smaller, actually and respectively.  I think that thing is broken now anyway.  I tried to do pull ups to stretch out my back and I now have chest pains.  I do not know if the in-grown toe nail or the “friend” I have growing on my back is the most annoying small problem I have to deal with. 

My doctor, Ameil Smutz with big fingers is about to cancel me, not from life but as a patient because I will not come in to see him.  He gave me medicine for a year and now that I do not have insurance I am not going to go see him so he can ask me, "So Matt, now that you are heavier than you have ever been, how do you feel?"  He will have to charge extra just to listen.   I should give him this blog link and he can read it at his convenience.   I was such a fool while negotiating for my position with CGC Aerospace (Clueless Government Contractor) on this new contract.  I sold myself short as usual and with my previous employer Big Bird Enterprises I did not have to pay for insurance, blah, blah, blah.  Anyway, I ended up shorting myself about $100 a month and no insurance to boot. I would like to think I was a smooth negotiator and a fine financier but I was not and I am not. This all makes me wonder what else I think I am and am not.

So, putting on my shoes, keeping my pants up, hoping my bowels and sphincters do not fail me, trying to keep my back straight, trying to lose weight, eat correctly and all along be nice to the family and people at Walmart who will not put the shopping cart in the caddie which is eight feet away is very hard.  OH, and I have a thirteen year old boy in the house rolling his one good eye at me and saying everything is fine. I have fat dogs, thin chickens, fat horses, fat clear frogs,  a gazillion lizards, fat grass which the horses will not eat and the most annoying air conditioner on the planet. I want and need something.  I am not sure what it could be.  The only thing that does not hurt is my left hand so when I get done with this I will slam it in the car door and then EVERYTHING will either suck or hurt so I can relax.  It cannot get any worse.


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Inspiration


  
"Inspiration is like perspiration.  It will run into all the corners and crevasses and make you itch."        The Emperor

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The Profiler

Everyone profiles.  The advertisers do it.  The police do it.  The government does it.  I do it.  I assume you do it.  According to the TV, profiling is done to catch criminals by the FBI.  White, black, Asian or Latin, we all  make an assumption of a person's intent or lifestyle based on cues.  Some cues are more accurate than others.  One of the cues I use to profile people is if they are riding a bicycle.

Every time I see someone on a bicycle, I automatically decide what kind of person they are.  I decide whether they are dangerous, hard working, religious or just plain nuts.   I have found the bicycle to be quite enlightening.

For instance, if I see young white adult male on a bicycle, I assume he is a crack or meth head.  I know he does not have a job and he no longer lives with his mother.  If he did he would be driving her car.  If the person on the bike is a young black male, he stole it.  He does live with his mom but she will not let him use the car for his mischief.  (under the penalty of a good beating)


Profiling chart of people on a bicycle
    Ethnicity
     Young
     Middle age
        Old




White male

White female
Crack head, meth head
Kicked out.  Living with middle aged man.  They share a bicycle.
Has young girl friend.
Drunkard, going to Walmart for beer.
Drunkard, homeless.
Bat shit crazy.
Black male

Black Female
Stole it.

Dental hygienist heading for child care.
Still trying to be white.
Looking for her cheating man, armed with a cell phone and  photos.
Lives in trailer near bus station.
 Late for church, armed with revolver and a Bible.
Asian male

Asian Female
Going to work.

Going to work.
Going to store for pork
Going to store for rice.
Looking for his wife
 I have never seen an old Asian lady on a bike!
Latin Male

Latin Female
Gang member.  Looking for work
Nurses Assistant looking for boyfriend in gang.
Going to construction job.
Going to house maid job.
Nuts, carrying a machete
Once again, this does not happen.




 
Profiles not included in the chart.

If you see two young males biking together, there is a better change than none they are sweet on each other.  If you see a biker, male or female, any age wearing a speedo, double knit kind of thing that glamorizing the private parts, all bets are off for what they are up to.  Speedos confuse me.   If the bike spokes have a playing card held in place with a cloths pin, they are filming a Leave it to Beaver episode on the Hallmark channel.  If you see someone walking along side a bike, stop and help them.  They are obviously having a bad time of it and could use some kindness, water or a lift. 

I am not proud of my profiling tendencies.  I fight it every day but it does makes me laugh sometimes.  Be aware, and the chart supports my suspicions on this, "old people on bicycles are a dangerous situation."  Quietly move in the opposite direction until out of the danger zone.  Middle aged people on bicycles can be quite a hoot and young people are just trying to get through the day.

I am shocked when I catch myself judging someone in a bad way.  I do not do it as much as I used to.  I am not there yet but I am better than I was.



Friday, July 26, 2013

Surfing



Surfing was, is and will be one of the great activities that just about anyone can participate.  I was eight or nine when I rode my first wave.  It was on a big telephone pole that was floating in the ocean waves.  I would sit on that log and a wave would bump the thing on a short run.  Mostly we just body surfed the waves tumbling, eating dirt and salt water while laughing all the time.  It was impossible to keep my lips tightly sealed so water would not go down the pie hole because riding the waves was so much fun I would have a wide grin.  The waves would roll me over and smash into the bottom of the ocean shooting water up my nose.  I would come up for air shorting and gasping while waiting for the next near death experience. 

An actual surf board introduced me to an entirely new game.  I now had to use my arms and most all of my muscles to find, catch and ride these waves.  I guess that is why they call it a sport.  It is not like synchronized swimming except for the water up the nose.  Those  swimmers use nose clips to keep the water out our the brain cavity.  I do not think it worked.  A nose clip is for the foolish and weak.

In most places on the ocean, you cannot just find a wave by calling out, "Hey you, come over here, I want to ride you."  That approach does not work in a bar and it does not work at the beach.  A "surfer" must search, paddle and wait for a wave.  I remember the first time I saw the older surf dogs  all of a sudden start paddling out to sea through the waves.  I was pretty sure they were going the wrong way.  Suddenly, what I thought was a big wave came up and they disappeared under it.  They were gone, eaten by the sea. I was thinking surfing was a little bit to risky if a wave could swallow a big dude and a hunk of fiberglass in the blink of an eye.  Wait, I could see them out past all the waves bobbing up and down between the swells of water.  The dudes started paddling like scalded ducks as a huge swell grew overhead.  "Death would be swift" I thought but the guys jumped up on the boards and started shooting down the face of the swell.  The wave started crashing to the left of them as they cut to the right.  At about that time, the wave hit me and knocked my board all the way into shore.

 I grabbed the board and headed back out through the waves.  I was paddling for what seemed like an hour because every time a wave hit me, it knocked me halfway back into the shore.  I would paddle like crazy between the wave hits.  Eventually I got out to where the real surfers were.  I was so embarrassed when some guy yelled, " hey punk, stay out of the way."  Stay out of the way, I do not even know where I am or which direction  I am going.  I am just trying not to die at sea.  Between the swells I watched the surfers catch wave after wave.  I was enjoying the view when I figured I should try to actually catch a wave. My friend Bobby was going to ask me about this day and I wanted to at least have a half ass story to tell him.   I saw a swell building up that the other surfers were ignoring so I spun the board around and started flailing like like a water spaniel.  I could feel the swell climbing up behind me.  I jumped to my feet hopefully looking like I knew what I was doing.  The wave was cresting while me and this board shot down the face of the wave with truly remarkable speed.  I was surfing, I was a surfer.  What I was not doing was breathing  and started looking for the brake.   All things must come to an end.  As I headed with break neck speed into the bottom of the swell, the wave crashed down on my head.  I had Atlantic ocean gravel ground into my face and my board was once again on the beach.

Completely out of breath, I swam in and grabbed my board in the shallow surf.   I heard a girl my age in a bikini say., "Hey you, come over here, will you teach me how to ride."  I thought to myself, it really is not the destination that is important, it is all about the ride.
















Thursday, July 11, 2013

Pollution

The word pollution is hardly used any more.  It has been replaced by more descriptive or more specific words for types of pollution.  Words like green, carcinogen, litter, oil slick, smog, hazardous waste, residue and many others are synonyms that can be used for the word pollution.

My first problem with this word is that I do not like the spelling.  Most words with a long vowel sound are not followed by two consonants.  If so the word followed would sound like foe-lowed.  Pollutions should be pronounced pow-lution with a short "o" sound and one "l".  I know what you are thinking but it does matter so just keep it to yourself.  (See; listen to the short sound of the "a" in matter)  Office is another one the creams my corn.  Based on the spelling, it should sound like  owfice.

I suppose the first pollution was too many herd aminals relieving themselves too close together on some prairie of long past history.  Once humans started communicating and practicing monogamy there was noise pollution.  Smoke in the caves created air pollution and throwing all the garbage in the creek cause water pollution.  Benjamin Franklin designed the first garbage collection in Philadelphia to get rid of the smell and the rats.  The Roman Empire built elaborate sewage removal  systems to remove the human waste from the cities but they then let it pile up in the river and pollute some other principality.  Recently, in China, pig farmers who had pigs die of pollution just dumped one hundred thousand of  them in the river.  

I remember my parents saying that living trashy and littering all over the place was caused by poor upbringing.  Another person told me it was most likely "a low IQ".  Pollution is organized trashiness and littering on a large scale.  Most people know not to relieve themselves where they eat and sleep.  Horse understand this rule and they have a VERY small brain with two impulses only.  When a piece of paper blow past an equine animal, a horse can stay still or it can jump out of its skin.  That are its only responses.  Cats and dogs can be house broken.  Birds I am not too sure about.  I am going with the low IQ theory for causes of human pollution.  Group mentality or more accurately called  government ass holes.  Wait, I got off track.  Group mentality or corporate thinking  lowers the IQ of the entire gathering and allows companies to dump dangerous waste in the oceans or to burn coal until people in the city cannot breath.  Smart people that do this on purpose are criminals and should be eliminated from the gene pool with great prejudice. 

There is money to be made from any waste product so there is no reason for it to be dumped in the environment.  We just have to educate the corporate and political leader and raise their IQ.   I say this only to make the leaders feel better.  They are just criminals and sociopaths and they do not care about anyone else.  They do no realize that the pollution bell tolls for them and when the acid rain corrodes the supports for that bell it will fall an hit them on the head.  It is possible.  Regardless of what you call pollution, we have to deal with it eventually.  Our current society should not pollute some other or future society just because we think we can.  That is low IQ at its finest.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Memory, Names and Numbers

I can not remember names very well.  I see people every day and try to avoid the embarrassment of not remembering their name.  I have worked at the same basic location for thirty two years.  I have lived in the same basic location for forty five years.  I never knew the mailman's name or the name of the crazy bitch across the street.  The old man walking the dog had a name I suppose.  The dog's name was Rusty. I usually just say "I know you" or "I should remember your name" and leave it at that.

The interesting aspect of memory is that I have a massive list of names in my head that do not have bodies, shapes or definitions to go with them.  For instance, there are two "Nevels" in my head.  I am not completely sure these are even people.  They could be a transliteration  of an evil navel orange or something at the nano level whatever that may be.  There is an "insergrevious" in my noggin clanking around and I know it is a makeup word but it is not a name so I can remember it.  I know Ferrel Pickering and although he may look a little different now, I would recognize him even after forty years and a fire. My brain is filled with Colchicine, Ilse of Langerhans, Bundles of His and I know what these names belong to.  I am sure I only heard these names two or three times in my life and I am also sure that if I was tested on them while in college I failed to remember them.  Yet, thirty five years later I think about them during a safety lecture on the evils of  eyeglasses without side shields.  But ask me to remember who I just met thirteen seconds ago for the fifth time and I am clueless.  Names and faces do not stick together in my brain.  I am sure I need to put more effort into it but even when I look at the face and repeat the name three times, by the third time I have forgotten Larry and replace it with whatever I think they look like.  Almost no one looks like a Tina or a Mark. Freds usually look like Freds.  Annie always looks like an Annie.

I remember the lady's name Emily Happylap and only recently realized I made her up.  She had a friend, Connie Clapsaddle.  While on an ill-advised coaching stint for some Junior Varsity girls softball team, I had a bunch of names to remember and I verbalized to the girls that I was very, very bad with names.  They reassured me that they did not care and that I would get it soon.  "Get what" was all I could think of while they were telling me their names.  To my dismay there were two Crystals, a Crissy, and a Christina.  All of them were blonds I thought.   When they all decide to undress and redress in the baseball dugout (because it was the only place private) while I was working on the lineup, I turned around and saw eleven fifteen year old girls in their underwear. I said Christina, what is your....holy shit I am going to jail.  The two Crystals were not natural blonds I can tell you that much.

I forget names all the time but I never forget numbers.  I have know the number "3" for going on fifty five years.  I never forget it. I remember 2.2 but I do not know what it is for.  I remember 5 divided by 9 plus 32 as a conversion of centigrade to Fahrenheit and can even do the math quickly in my head.  I could not have done that eleven years ago to save my life.  I do remember Pi, a name and the number associated with it,  3.1415 although I knew far more digits years ago.  I remember the number 451 as the temperature at which book paper burns.  Zero is the number of times I got laid in high school and two thousand six hundred and three is the number if times I tried to change that number to at least one.  I was number "10" on my jerseys in all the sporting events in high School except Wrestling. Wrestling did not have numbers, just way to many hands and no good places to put them.  Four is the number of times I told my wrestling opponent that "if he grabbed me there again I would kill him" and I meant it.

My memory is selective and arbitrary at the same time.  I make up so many statistics and numbers based on things I have read or heard that I cannot trust the results.  People do not know that I make them up.  Maybe they do but they are close enough for sake of a conversation.  My mom thinks I remember when I was born.  I remind people that they said things and they say, "I never said that".  Of course you did, where else would I have heard it.  I am not on drugs.  It is possible I am crazy like an upside down duck but I am not diffusional, I mean delusional.  My memory serves me well and I am quite pleased with it.  I am not always correct with names or numbers but I just do not care.


Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Gun Shop Revisited Again

I originally posted this rewrite of the "Cheese Shop" back in 2011.  I thought it was appropriate for today.


 
Springfield
Good morning, sir.
Mousebender
Good Morning. I was practicing at the Shoot Straight Gun Range just now, skimming through 'Outdoor Life' Guns and Girls article, when suddenly I came over all jonesy.
Springfield
Jonesy, sir?
Mousebender
Esurient.
Springfield
Eh?
Mousebender
(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all trigger happy, like!
Springfield
Oh, trigger happy.
Mousebender
In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little equalizer will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Outdoor lifeing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some ordinance provender. (smacks his lips)
Springfield
Come again.
Mousebender
(broad nothern accent) I want to buy a gun.
Springfield
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the help!
Mousebender
(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Springfield
Sorry?
Mousebender
I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Mousebender
(normal voice) Now my good man, some guns, please.
Springfield
Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Mousebender
Well, how about a little ALFA LR 22.
Springfield
I'm, afraid we're fresh out of LR 22s, sir.
Mousebender
Oh, never mind. How are you on Defenders?
Springfield
Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it stocked first thing on Monday.
Mousebender
Tish tish. No matter. Well, an AutoMag IV, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Springfield
Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Mousebender
Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, APS Stechkin?
Springfield
Sorry.
Mousebender
TISS?
Springfield
Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Mousebender
Ah. Armitage Pen Gun?
Springfield
Sorry.
Mousebender
Cheetah? M952-S?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Any Nosorog AEK?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
LAR Big Boar?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
LeMat?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Wembley MK V?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Davis Warner Infallible?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Daisey-Heddon?
Springfield
...No.


Mousebender
Calico M100P?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Any Daewoo DH40?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Gustav, Kel-Tec, Khaybar, Lee-Enfield, Safir, S&S Sidewinder, Coonan A, Benelli, Belgian M1871, Pardini Sport Pistol, Cugir M series?
Springfield
Ah! We do have some Cugir, sir.
Mousebender
You do! Excellent.
Springfield
It's a bit rusty, sir.
Mousebender
Oh, I like them rusty.
Springfield
Well as a matter of fact it's very rusty, sir.
Mousebender
No matter. No matter. Hand over the Arma favorita din Romania, la Cugir, va multumesc.
Springfield
I think it's rustier than you like it, sir.
Mousebender
(smiling grimley) I don't care how oxidatively rusty it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Springfield
Yes, sir. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Mousebender
What?
Springfield
The dog has buried it.
Mousebender
Has he?
Springfield
She, sir.
Mousebender
Galil?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
ENARM?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Camp-Giro?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Spanish Mauser?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Spitfire .45?
Springfield
No, sir.
Mousebender
You do have some guns, do you?
Springfield
Certainly, sir. It's a gun shop, sir. We've got...
Mousebender
No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Springfield
Fair enough.
Mousebender
Springfield.
Springfield
Yes, sir?
Mousebender
Splendid. Well, I'll have one of them then, please.
Springfield
Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Springfield.
Mousebender
GORDA?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Parker-Hale?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
MAC-10?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
PAPOP 2?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
Any Dadick tround?
Springfield
No.

Mousebender
Chamelot Delvigne?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
VEB Makarov?
Springfield
Not today sir, no.

(pause)
Mousebender
Well let's keep it simple, how about a Colt?
Springfield
Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
Mousebender
No call for it? It's the single most popular gun in the world!
Springfield
Not round these parts, sir.
Mousebender
And pray what is the most popular gun round these parts?
Springfield
Uhlinger 32, sir.
Mousebender
I see.
Springfield
Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Mousebender
Is it.
Springfield
Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Mousebender
Is it.
Springfield
Yes sir.
Mousebender
Uhlinger, eh?
Springfield
Right.
Mousebender
OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?
Springfield
I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Mousebender
It's not much of a gun shop really, is it?
Springfield
Finest in the district, sir.
Mousebender
And what leads you to that conclusion?
Springfield
Well, it's so safe.
Mousebender
Well, it's certainly safe from guns.
Springfield
You haven't asked me about a Glock, sir.
Mousebender
Is it worth it?
Springfield
Could be.
Mousebender
OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)
Springfield
(to dancers) Told you so.
Mousebender
Have you got any Glocks?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any guns at all?
Springfield
Yes, sir.
Mousebender
Now you liberalized skirt wearing homo, I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any guns at all?
Springfield
No.
Mousebender
(shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.