hateful

I do not hate anyone in particular.  I do not hate anyone actually.  I am just in a hating life phase.  This will be a complaining blog in case you were wondering.

I have this back problem that is causing me to really not enjoy anything.  It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand up.  Once I am up and walking around and after the embarrassment of hunching around and sliding my feet with the zombie walk I am fine.  It hurts to look down.  It hurts to look up.  It hurts to think about opening my eyes.  Much of the pain is most likely related to a lifetime of being a jerk and an oddball which I did not care about when I was fifteen and trying to fit in but now that I am old and fat and broke up, I have no friends to come over and laugh at my nonsensical complaining.  Looking back,  I am pretty sure being a jerk and a querk (not querking or twerking which even if my back did not hurt I could not do) is not a good approach while trying to fit  in at a Mormon high school.  Looking forward in time, I am too damn stubborn and tired to give a crap about the disaster that will be my retirement. 

I tried to exercise by playing tennis and I broke some ribs.  I could go into details and maybe I will at a later date.  I try to be creative in the home and build something and I hurt my back while sneezing.  I try to walk, and I do walk several miles a day several times a week and my hip sciatica acts up.  My feet are swollen I think, remember I am fat and the only one thing I really wanted to get bigger is actually getting smaller, actually and respectively.  I think that thing is broken now anyway.  I tried to do pull ups to stretch out my back and I now have chest pains.  I do not know if the in-grown toe nail or the “friend” I have growing on my back is the most annoying small problem I have to deal with. 

My doctor, Ameil Smutz with big fingers is about to cancel me, not from life but as a patient because I will not come in to see him.  He gave me medicine for a year and now that I do not have insurance I am not going to go see him so he can ask me, "So Matt, now that you are heavier than you have ever been, how do you feel?"  He will have to charge extra just to listen.   I should give him this blog link and he can read it at his convenience.   I was such a fool while negotiating for my position with CGC Aerospace (Clueless Government Contractor) on this new contract.  I sold myself short as usual and with my previous employer Big Bird Enterprises I did not have to pay for insurance, blah, blah, blah.  Anyway, I ended up shorting myself about $100 a month and no insurance to boot. I would like to think I was a smooth negotiator and a fine financier but I was not and I am not. This all makes me wonder what else I think I am and am not.

So, putting on my shoes, keeping my pants up, hoping my bowels and sphincters do not fail me, trying to keep my back straight, trying to lose weight, eat correctly and all along be nice to the family and people at Walmart who will not put the shopping cart in the caddie which is eight feet away is very hard.  OH, and I have a thirteen year old boy in the house rolling his one good eye at me and saying everything is fine. I have fat dogs, thin chickens, fat horses, fat clear frogs,  a gazillion lizards, fat grass which the horses will not eat and the most annoying air conditioner on the planet. I want and need something.  I am not sure what it could be.  The only thing that does not hurt is my left hand so when I get done with this I will slam it in the car door and then EVERYTHING will either suck or hurt so I can relax.  It cannot get any worse.