New Pig

Pumpernick

Jeffery

I recently became the owner of  a very young pig.  We named him Jeffery.  The meaning of the americanized word "pig" is becoming clearer all the time.  He is a swine but he is also a pig.  He eats like a, well, he eats like a pig.  He is growing very fast.  He eats like I remember eating when I was young.  The faster I ate, the chances are the more I would get.  He eats every bowl of food like he has not had anything to eat for weeks or even hours but he eats like there is twelve other pigs trying to steal his food.  I made the mistake of dropping some grapes on the floor and the dogs and Jeffery started  fighting over a grape.  The dogs do not even like grapes.  Pumpernick likes to hold them in his mouth only to take them in the other room and spit them out.  Fudge just sniffs them.  Jeffery smashes them with his nose and then eats them.  To a pig, food tastes better after is is smashed with its nose.  It reminds me of John Belushi in Animal House with the jello stuff. 

Yesterday, Jeffery became a barrow, a pig with no testicles.  He was very well behaved at the veterinary office.  Which is surprising because is you just want to snuggle him, he throws a fit and spit.  Anyway, he is walking kind of slow and careful today.  It is hoped that with less testosterone he will not exhibit some of the less desirable secondary sex characteristics like stinking up the place, aggressive behavior toward everything, gouging things with the fangs and wandering lust.  We had a wild pig a few years ago, Mr. Piggles, and all he wanted to do was eat and have sex with the black lawn tractor.  I looked out the window and saw my wife standing on top of the fence rail with Mr. Piggles doing his best to "jump" up and get her.  That same day, he went on a walk with me, my pistol and a shovel.  It was a like a long walk off a short pier.
Jeffery loves sleeping in the house and playing with Pumpernick.  He likes sleeping next to my chair while I am watching Andy Griffith reruns.  He likes cheese and chicken vienna sausages.  So do I.  I do not like cheese inside of hotdogs though.  I have never seen cheese act like that anyway.  
 ps.  I have no idea why the pictures are sideways and I do not know how to fix it. Jeffery is 21 pounds and maybe twelve  weeks old.  "That'll do pig".

Grandpa was wrong

I remember when I was six or seven years old walking to the Beer Joint with my Grandpa. He was a tree trunk of a man with wide shoulders, strong hands and white hair. It started to rain and I was complaining about getting wet. He said “Little Buddy” he always called me that, “Little buddy, you can only get “so” wet”. That seemed to make sense at the time. I love Grandpa. He taught me how to play baseball and hit a curve ball. “It can only curve so much, you will hit it.” Later, with my kids, I taught them, “If you swing at it, you may as well hit it.” My shoes and socks were wet and I complained. Grandpa laughed and took me in Gus’s to dry out. I hate wet socks even today.

It has rained for the better part of twenty days. Some are hard Florida rains and others are misty all day spitting kinds of rain. I keep thinking about “you can only get so wet”. Bullshit, I thought it could not get any wetter when the pasture and the driveway were under water. Then the septic tank stopped working because it got “wetter”. I did not think it could get any wetter when the house swelled up with humidity and the doors did not fitting correctly. Why did you not warn me about that Grandpa? The air conditioner has frozen up from trying to remove all the water from the air. That is pretty damn wet, is that wet enough for ya? Grandpa, you were wrong about women also. You said that if “you treat a woman properly, you will have a wondrously full life”. “Caribou Crackers”! I gave that woman my time, bought her everything she needed and a bunch of shit she wanted. She still took all I had left and ran off and porked the Meth-head mail man claiming he had a big penis. I cried until my underwear were soaked through. That is quite a bit wetter than “so” and I hate wet underwear almost as much as wet socks.

Now I am walking in a blistering rain because I do not have a car. I did not think it could get any wetter until I fell in a swollen drainage ditch. It was a puddle an hour ago and now I am traveling at about sixty miles per hour heading for an overpass which because of twenty three inches of rain is now going to smack me in the forehead and kill me if I am lucky enough. Can I get any wetter Grandpa, can I?

Six Stages of CFO (Cloths Fall Off) Inebriation.

I have developed a chart to accurately determine the inebriation state of a lady in a bar.  The chart is a culmination of many observations and interrogations.  These stages of intoxication are fairly general characterizations of behavior that for many females ends with the CFO, or SNS (spontaneous naked syndrome).  Well, the evening does not necessarily end with this.

When a man observes a female drinking, he wants to know with some degree of accuracy how close she is to CFO.  The quality of his evening could depend on an accurate reading.  The phases are:

Phase 1:  She is happy, joyous and care free.  This phase can be part of her normal behavior so during this time, the guy needs to observe what type of alcohol she is drinking.  It matters and I will explain later.  The time duration of phase 1 is not set in stone either but it will be very clear when she moves into the next phase.

Phase 2:  She is angry and can be mean spirited.  In the early progression to phase 2 she can appear to be bipolar, changing from gregarious freedom to mean spirited and back again.  It may not be clear what or who is the focus of this anger.  She may change alcohols at this point in the progression.  Beer may remind her of who she is angry at so hopefully for the guy next to her, she is changing to tequila.

Phase 3:  This is the initial arousal stage.  The frontal lobe is now isolated with alcohol and she turns to bitch at the guy next to her and in mid-snarl she notices his posture or his strong jaw line and she slows her banter and moves closer to him.  He does not smell bad and her hands are not clenched fists but supple flower petals looking for a place to land.  She had not even noticed him previously.

Phase 4:  This phase can be characterized by "aggression".  Not mean or angry like phase 2.   This feminine female is picking up bar stools and wanting to arm wrestle.  She also likes to poke people in the stomach and she may switch alcohol types.  (Tequila, hopefully for everyone)  Stumbling starts in this phase.

Phase 5:  She will soon start the Contemplative phase.  This is characterized by elbows on the table or bar and several half finished drinks in front of her.  She is talking in a quiet  voice, to whom it will not be clear.  She can be looking at one person but talking to another.  At phase 4 and phase 5 there are lots of people buying her drinks.  People who have been watching her since her loud outburst in phase 2 are either showing pity on her or want to get lucky with her so they are buying her drinks.  Most amateurs do not even know what she is drinking so they say to the bar girls, "Hey, send that drunk chick a vodka tonic" when it should be, yes sports fans, tequila.   Some women pass out at this phase before going to phase 6.

Before I explain phase 6, I want to give you some techniques to determine what phase of inebriation the woman is in.  If you are with the woman when she starts drinking you have seen the stages.  If you have witnessed strong transitions between phases, six may come up quickly.  You will turn around and she has her shirt off.  If she kicks her shoes off at someone, she is diving head first in to phase 6.  If you just notice her in the bar and want to know what phase she is in, walk close to her and brush her butt with the back of your hand. If she is in phase 1 she will say something like "Excuse You".  Phase 2 she will call you a PIG and curse at you.  Phase 3 she will say "Oh, excuzzzzzzz Me!".  Phase 4 she will return the touch with some form of aggression.  Phase 5 she will just mumble some incoherent crap about her shoes hurting her feet.

Phase 6:  Clothing optional.  For men, clothing is always optional.  A guy will take off his shirt or pants after two beers and for no reason other than that, for two beers.  He may as well go home after undressing because he is acting like a jerk.  If the woman who has been in phase 5 for a while is your date, you better get her out of the bar because something is coming off  and soon.  There will be vulturous men or women trying to get her fully into phase 6.   Other women, especially if they are in phases 3 and 4 like nothing better that to see some other drunken girl without pants.  Even the old couple in the corner would not mind seeing a little T&A.  As her date, you mission is to get her in the car at least before she passes out or unbuttons her pants.

One final set of observations.  The type of alcohol tends to determine which phases the lady is currently in and how they will progress. Wine tends to create the following path.  phase 1, phase 5, phase 4 and finally phase 6.  With wine they seem to pass right through phases 2 and 3.  I think phase 3 gets lost in phase 4.  With beer, they go through all the phases at a rate commensurate with the quantity of beer.  Phase 2 is pronounced in men and women.  Now, with tequila and gin phases 1, 2 and 3 are very noticeable, but phase 4 and phase 5 are mish-mashed with phase 3 and phase 6 happens with the speed of lightning.  Be careful.  Rum and Sloe Gin seems to get stuck in phase 2.