Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Old Man and the Sprinkler

I observed an old man trying to set his sprinkler to water only the grass and not the driveway or the road.  It was a struggle for all the times.  The old man gleaned over the yard like Santiago looked on the Sea. 

“Christ, I did not know he was so big.”
“I’ll kill him though,” [Santiago] said. “In all his greatness and his glory.”


There were years of struggles and successes with this lawn.  None of the wars were as ferocious as the sprinkler war of 2009.   I had struggled with the Man over a water bill and won.  I stood my ground during the attack of the Water Management Jun Hord.  Now, I must continue the fight against the master of illusion, the shah of subtle inconvenience, and the lord of frustration. The sprinkler, a Dramm Colorstorm oscillating  sprinkler, yellow with eighteen water jets providing a uniform watering for maximum coverage. The adjustable plastic dial and tab allude you to direct the water stream, and a flow control knob at the base enables you to pretend to adjust the water flow. An included nozzle needle helps keep the brass nozzles clean. The sturdy metal construction will withstand years of use (abuse), and the bright yellow color will surely stand out in your lawn so your wife does not run over it with the lawn mower.


" As the sun rises, the marlin begins to circle. For hours the old man fights the circling fish for every inch of line, slowly pulling it in. He feels faint and dizzy and sees black spots before his eyes. The fish riots against the line, battering the boat with its spear"

Soon the sun will be overhead and the sprinkler begins to oscillate.  I circle the beast and reel the hose line hoping for a safe pattern between the new avocado bush and the line of pineapples.  The sprinkler fights back with a sputter and spins quickly on its tail spraying chilled water across my arched and aching torso.  


 The old man thinks that the fish is killing him, and admires him for it, saying, “I do not care who kills who.” Eventually, he pulls the fish onto its side by the boat and plunges his harpoon into it. The fish lurches out of the water, brilliantly and beautifully alive as it dies. When it falls back into the water, its blood stains the waves.

I vow one more attempt to reign champion over the aluminum behemoth.  I will come in low and fast, circle left and flip the beast on his back rendering him harmless.  With a small adjustment and a flick of the hose line, this messy work will be finished and dry all the same.  I underestimated the Leviathan, he spat hard as I circled, up righting himself and sending his wet, cold daggers into my chest.  The wound was complete, I was done in by a mechanical marvel from a box store.
With success slipping away, I would finish this fight.  The nearby shovel would form a fine scepter.  As the darts of water ravaged my body, I buried the scimitar into the metal beast.  He thrashed  in rebellion and moaned his mortal death.  It is finished I thought.  I changed my cloths, I would be late for the nine o'clock meeting. I had gone too far. 

 Again, Santiago wishes that he hadn’t killed the marlin. He apologizes to the dead marlin for having gone out so far, saying it did neither of them any good.

The sprinkler and its lifetime warranty are dead.  I tried to fix it.  It only oscillates about fifteen degrees to the left, and only twelve of the 18 jets seem to spray.  One of them sprays rebelliously to the left.  It now makes a lonesome sound like a lost failing whale, OOOuah, OOOuah, searching for the death he did not deserve.  Winter cannot arrive soon enough. 

Friday, April 20, 2012

the moth in the bathroom

Why is there a moth in the bathroom?
What is a moth doing in there?
How long has there been a moth in my bathroom?
Is it lost or is it looking for someone?
Are moths trying to make contact with Us?
Did they create the whole "Go to the light" thing?
Why can't moths be more like butterflies?
How long will I have a moth in my bathroom?
Maybe the moth will go out for lunch, maybe it came in for lunch?
You think the moth could tell the mosquitoes to knock it off with all that buzzing?
What is that dusty fuzzy stuff that gets on your phalanges when you touch a moth, cooties?
I know flies have thick heads for running into windows and stuff, do moths have some defense against the lights burning their little lips and toes?
Do you think they like the new compact fluorescent bulbs?
How do moths feel about the Grandaddy Long Leg on the next tile?
Does this particular moth want my help because tomorrow it will be dead for some reason?
Will it be dead tomorrow regardless of my efforts?
Is the bathroom the "last room", the Elephant's graveyard?

Dead moths always at first seem bigger than live moths.  I guess that is death in a nutshell, The loved one seems so big when death first happens.  All of the texts, emails and phone calls about the death create a large bubble of life.  As it should.   Soon though, the deceased looks so small at the viewing and the event gets smaller and smaller until there is only one left to pray for the family.  The hole in the ground seems big at first, then by the time the preacher has spoken of whom he most surely does not know, the hole is filled in and the focus seems very small.  

The moth has died.  It is under the sink and I was prepared for it to be somewhere under something in its last ditch attempt to be the center of attention.  I knew the moth would be dead in the morning.  That did not make  it any easier to see through the moisture in my eyes.