I have developed a chart to accurately determine the inebriation state of a lady in a bar. The chart is a culmination of many observations and interrogations. These stages of intoxication are fairly general characterizations of behavior that for many females ends with the CFO, or SNS (spontaneous naked syndrome). Well, the evening does not necessarily end with this.
When a man observes a female drinking, he wants to know with some degree of accuracy how close she is to CFO. The quality of his evening could depend on an accurate reading. The phases are:
Phase 1: She is happy, joyous and care free. This phase can be part of her normal behavior so during this time, the guy needs to observe what type of alcohol she is drinking. It matters and I will explain later. The time duration of phase 1 is not set in stone either but it will be very clear when she moves into the next phase.
Phase 2: She is angry and can be mean spirited. In the early progression to phase 2 she can appear to be bipolar, changing from gregarious freedom to mean spirited and back again. It may not be clear what or who is the focus of this anger. She may change alcohols at this point in the progression. Beer may remind her of who she is angry at so hopefully for the guy next to her, she is changing to tequila.
Phase 3: This is the initial arousal stage. The frontal lobe is now isolated with alcohol and she turns to bitch at the guy next to her and in mid-snarl she notices his posture or his strong jaw line and she slows her banter and moves closer to him. He does not smell bad and her hands are not clenched fists but supple flower petals looking for a place to land. She had not even noticed him previously.
Phase 4: This phase can be characterized by "aggression". Not mean or angry like phase 2. This feminine female is picking up bar stools and wanting to arm wrestle. She also likes to poke people in the stomach and she may switch alcohol types. (Tequila, hopefully for everyone) Stumbling starts in this phase.
Phase 5: She will soon start the Contemplative phase. This is characterized by elbows on the table or bar and several half finished drinks in front of her. She is talking in a quiet voice, to whom it will not be clear. She can be looking at one person but talking to another. At phase 4 and phase 5 there are lots of people buying her drinks. People who have been watching her since her loud outburst in phase 2 are either showing pity on her or want to get lucky with her so they are buying her drinks. Most amateurs do not even know what she is drinking so they say to the bar girls, "Hey, send that drunk chick a vodka tonic" when it should be, yes sports fans, tequila. Some women pass out at this phase before going to phase 6.
Before I explain phase 6, I want to give you some techniques to determine what phase of inebriation the woman is in. If you are with the woman when she starts drinking you have seen the stages. If you have witnessed strong transitions between phases, six may come up quickly. You will turn around and she has her shirt off. If she kicks her shoes off at someone, she is diving head first in to phase 6. If you just notice her in the bar and want to know what phase she is in, walk close to her and brush her butt with the back of your hand. If she is in phase 1 she will say something like "Excuse You". Phase 2 she will call you a PIG and curse at you. Phase 3 she will say "Oh, excuzzzzzzz Me!". Phase 4 she will return the touch with some form of aggression. Phase 5 she will just mumble some incoherent crap about her shoes hurting her feet.
Phase 6: Clothing optional. For men, clothing is always optional. A guy will take off his shirt or pants after two beers and for no reason other than that, for two beers. He may as well go home after undressing because he is acting like a jerk. If the woman who has been in phase 5 for a while is your date, you better get her out of the bar because something is coming off and soon. There will be vulturous men or women trying to get her fully into phase 6. Other women, especially if they are in phases 3 and 4 like nothing better that to see some other drunken girl without pants. Even the old couple in the corner would not mind seeing a little T&A. As her date, you mission is to get her in the car at least before she passes out or unbuttons her pants.
One final set of observations. The type of alcohol tends to determine which phases the lady is currently in and how they will progress. Wine tends to create the following path. phase 1, phase 5, phase 4 and finally phase 6. With wine they seem to pass right through phases 2 and 3. I think phase 3 gets lost in phase 4. With beer, they go through all the phases at a rate commensurate with the quantity of beer. Phase 2 is pronounced in men and women. Now, with tequila and gin phases 1, 2 and 3 are very noticeable, but phase 4 and phase 5 are mish-mashed with phase 3 and phase 6 happens with the speed of lightning. Be careful. Rum and Sloe Gin seems to get stuck in phase 2.
When a man observes a female drinking, he wants to know with some degree of accuracy how close she is to CFO. The quality of his evening could depend on an accurate reading. The phases are:
Phase 1: She is happy, joyous and care free. This phase can be part of her normal behavior so during this time, the guy needs to observe what type of alcohol she is drinking. It matters and I will explain later. The time duration of phase 1 is not set in stone either but it will be very clear when she moves into the next phase.
Phase 2: She is angry and can be mean spirited. In the early progression to phase 2 she can appear to be bipolar, changing from gregarious freedom to mean spirited and back again. It may not be clear what or who is the focus of this anger. She may change alcohols at this point in the progression. Beer may remind her of who she is angry at so hopefully for the guy next to her, she is changing to tequila.
Phase 3: This is the initial arousal stage. The frontal lobe is now isolated with alcohol and she turns to bitch at the guy next to her and in mid-snarl she notices his posture or his strong jaw line and she slows her banter and moves closer to him. He does not smell bad and her hands are not clenched fists but supple flower petals looking for a place to land. She had not even noticed him previously.
Phase 4: This phase can be characterized by "aggression". Not mean or angry like phase 2. This feminine female is picking up bar stools and wanting to arm wrestle. She also likes to poke people in the stomach and she may switch alcohol types. (Tequila, hopefully for everyone) Stumbling starts in this phase.
Phase 5: She will soon start the Contemplative phase. This is characterized by elbows on the table or bar and several half finished drinks in front of her. She is talking in a quiet voice, to whom it will not be clear. She can be looking at one person but talking to another. At phase 4 and phase 5 there are lots of people buying her drinks. People who have been watching her since her loud outburst in phase 2 are either showing pity on her or want to get lucky with her so they are buying her drinks. Most amateurs do not even know what she is drinking so they say to the bar girls, "Hey, send that drunk chick a vodka tonic" when it should be, yes sports fans, tequila. Some women pass out at this phase before going to phase 6.
Before I explain phase 6, I want to give you some techniques to determine what phase of inebriation the woman is in. If you are with the woman when she starts drinking you have seen the stages. If you have witnessed strong transitions between phases, six may come up quickly. You will turn around and she has her shirt off. If she kicks her shoes off at someone, she is diving head first in to phase 6. If you just notice her in the bar and want to know what phase she is in, walk close to her and brush her butt with the back of your hand. If she is in phase 1 she will say something like "Excuse You". Phase 2 she will call you a PIG and curse at you. Phase 3 she will say "Oh, excuzzzzzzz Me!". Phase 4 she will return the touch with some form of aggression. Phase 5 she will just mumble some incoherent crap about her shoes hurting her feet.
Phase 6: Clothing optional. For men, clothing is always optional. A guy will take off his shirt or pants after two beers and for no reason other than that, for two beers. He may as well go home after undressing because he is acting like a jerk. If the woman who has been in phase 5 for a while is your date, you better get her out of the bar because something is coming off and soon. There will be vulturous men or women trying to get her fully into phase 6. Other women, especially if they are in phases 3 and 4 like nothing better that to see some other drunken girl without pants. Even the old couple in the corner would not mind seeing a little T&A. As her date, you mission is to get her in the car at least before she passes out or unbuttons her pants.
One final set of observations. The type of alcohol tends to determine which phases the lady is currently in and how they will progress. Wine tends to create the following path. phase 1, phase 5, phase 4 and finally phase 6. With wine they seem to pass right through phases 2 and 3. I think phase 3 gets lost in phase 4. With beer, they go through all the phases at a rate commensurate with the quantity of beer. Phase 2 is pronounced in men and women. Now, with tequila and gin phases 1, 2 and 3 are very noticeable, but phase 4 and phase 5 are mish-mashed with phase 3 and phase 6 happens with the speed of lightning. Be careful. Rum and Sloe Gin seems to get stuck in phase 2.
