Gun Shop Revisited Again

I originally posted this rewrite of the "Cheese Shop" back in 2011.  I thought it was appropriate for today.


 

Springfield	Good morning, sir.
Mousebender	Good Morning. I was practicing at the Shoot Straight Gun Range just now, skimming through 'Outdoor Life' Guns and Girls article, when suddenly I came over all jonesy.
Springfield	Jonesy, sir?
Mousebender	Esurient.
Springfield	Eh?
Mousebender	(broad Yorkshire) Eee I were all trigger happy, like!
Springfield	Oh, trigger happy.
Mousebender	In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little equalizer will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Outdoor lifeing activites, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some ordinance provender. (smacks his lips)
Springfield	Come again.
Mousebender	(broad nothern accent) I want to buy a gun.
Springfield	Oh, I thought you were complaining about the help!
Mousebender	(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse.
Springfield	Sorry?
Mousebender	I like a nice dance - you're forced to.
Mousebender	(normal voice) Now my good man, some guns, please.
Springfield	Yes certainly, sir. What would you like?
Mousebender	Well, how about a little ALFA LR 22.
Springfield	I'm, afraid we're fresh out of LR 22s, sir.
Mousebender	Oh, never mind. How are you on Defenders?
Springfield	Never at the end of the week, sir. Always get it stocked first thing on Monday.
Mousebender	Tish tish. No matter. Well, an AutoMag IV, then, if you please, stout yeoman.
Springfield	Ah well, it's been on order for two weeks, sir, I was expecting it this morning.
Mousebender	Yes, it's not my day, is it? Er, APS Stechkin?
Springfield	Sorry.
Mousebender	TISS?
Springfield	Normally, sir, yes, but today the van broke down.
Mousebender	Ah. Armitage Pen Gun?
Springfield	Sorry.
Mousebender	Cheetah? M952-S?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Any Nosorog AEK?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	LAR Big Boar?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	LeMat?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Wembley MK V?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Davis Warner Infallible?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Daisey-Heddon?
Springfield	...No.

Mousebender	Calico M100P?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Any Daewoo DH40?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Gustav, Kel-Tec, Khaybar, Lee-Enfield, Safir, S&S Sidewinder, Coonan A, Benelli, Belgian M1871, Pardini Sport Pistol, Cugir M series?
Springfield	Ah! We do have some Cugir, sir.
Mousebender	You do! Excellent.
Springfield	It's a bit rusty, sir.
Mousebender	Oh, I like them rusty.
Springfield	Well as a matter of fact it's very rusty, sir.
Mousebender	No matter. No matter. Hand over the Arma favorita din Romania, la Cugir, va multumesc.
Springfield	I think it's rustier than you like it, sir.
Mousebender	(smiling grimley) I don't care how oxidatively rusty it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Springfield	Yes, sir. (bends below counter and reappears) Oh...
Mousebender	What?
Springfield	The dog has buried it.
Mousebender	Has he?
Springfield	She, sir.
Mousebender	Galil?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	ENARM?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Camp-Giro?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Spanish Mauser?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Spitfire .45?
Springfield	No, sir.
Mousebender	You do have some guns, do you?
Springfield	Certainly, sir. It's a gun shop, sir. We've got...
Mousebender	No, no, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Springfield	Fair enough.
Mousebender	Springfield.
Springfield	Yes, sir?
Mousebender	Splendid. Well, I'll have one of them then, please.
Springfield	Oh, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were referring to me, Mr Springfield.
Mousebender	GORDA?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Parker-Hale?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	MAC-10?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	PAPOP 2?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	Any Dadick tround?
Springfield	No.

Mousebender	Chamelot Delvigne?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	VEB Makarov?
Springfield	Not today sir, no.
	(pause)
Mousebender	Well let's keep it simple, how about a Colt?
Springfield	Well, I'm afraid we don't get much call for it around these parts.
Mousebender	No call for it? It's the single most popular gun in the world!
Springfield	Not round these parts, sir.
Mousebender	And pray what is the most popular gun round these parts?
Springfield	Uhlinger 32, sir.
Mousebender	I see.
Springfield	Yes, sir. It's quite staggeringly popular in the manor, squire.
Mousebender	Is it.
Springfield	Yes sir, it's our number-one seller.
Mousebender	Is it.
Springfield	Yes sir.
Mousebender	Uhlinger, eh?
Springfield	Right.
Mousebender	OK, I'm game. Have you got any, he asked, expecting the answer no?
Springfield	I'll have a look, sir...nnnnnnooooooooo.
Mousebender	It's not much of a gun shop really, is it?
Springfield	Finest in the district, sir.
Mousebender	And what leads you to that conclusion?
Springfield	Well, it's so safe.
Mousebender	Well, it's certainly safe from guns.
Springfield	You haven't asked me about a Glock, sir.
Mousebender	Is it worth it?
Springfield	Could be.
Mousebender	OK, have you...will you shut that bloody dancing up! (the music stops)
Springfield	(to dancers) Told you so.
Mousebender	Have you got any Glocks?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	No, that figures. It was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to pose the question in the first place. Tell me something, do you have any guns at all?
Springfield	Yes, sir.
Mousebender	Now you liberalized skirt wearing homo, I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say 'no' I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any guns at all?
Springfield	No.
Mousebender	(shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.